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Father: Unknown
by
Tara Taylor Quinn

FATHER:

UNKNOWN

Tara Taylor Quinn

TORONTO.  NEW YORK LONDON

AMSTERDAM PARIS SYDNEY HAMBURG

STOCKHOLM ATHENS TOKYO MILAN

MADRID.-WARSAW o BUDAPEST AUCKLAND qa

If you purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that
this book is stolen property.  It was reported as "unsold and
destroyed" to the publisher, and neither the author nor the publisher
has received any payment for this "stripped book."

ISBN 0-373-70784-3

FATHER: UNKNOWN

Copyright 1998 by Tara Lee Reames.

All rights reserved.  Excel for use in any review, the reproduction or
utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any
electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented,
including or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written
permission of the publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Umited, 225 Duncan
Mill Road, Don Mil, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination
of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the
same name or names.  They are not even distantly inoired by any
individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure
invention.

This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

and TM are trademarks of the publisher.  Trademarks indicated with are
registered in the Unted States Patent and Trademark Office.  the
Canadian Trade Marks Office and in other countries.

Printed in U.S.A.

For Scott and Carleen Gumser.  July 1, 1997.  I was furiously typing
the last pages of this book, thinking of a cruise ship in the Virgin
Islands, waiting for the phone to ring so I would know "you did."  I
slept well that night!

For Chum.  I hope there are many more memories waiting to be found, and
that they're easier ones.

And for Kevin.  You are my magic.

CHAPTER ONE

"YOUR NAME IS ANNA."

Anna.  She wasn't sure she liked the name.  C tainly didn't feel any
affinity to it, any sense of o ership.  Her heart started to pound.

"No one seems to know who you are," the doc said almost
conversationally.  "You didn't have on you when they brought you in,
just a 1oc around your neck engraved with that name.  We w hoping you
could tell us more."

Terror threatening to consume her, she shook head.  "Where am I?"  Even
her voice was un fan jar, husky.

She tried not to flinch as he lifted her eyelids a shone his light into
her eyes "You're on the fil floor of Madison General Hospital in New Y
City.  I'm Dr.  Gordon, a neumlogist and your tending physician."  The
tall, thin white-coated m spoke as if reassuring a child.

New York.

"What day is it?"

"Tuesday.  The first of July."

'uly.  Summer.

"How long have I been here?"

"Since late yesterday afternoon."

She digested that piece of information slowly, but the cotton wool
surrounding her mind remained alarmingly intact.  Time meant nothing to
her, either, it seemed.  "What's wrong with me?  Why don't I remember
anything?"  she cried.

"You took quite a bump on the head, and though the tests show no real
damage, temporary memory loss isn't that unusual in this type of
situation.  if you'll just relax, things will probably start coming
back to you almost immediately.  In a few days you should be just
fine," the doctor said with a smile, although he was watching her
intently.  "The baby doesn't seem to have suffered at all."

"Baby?"  she.  whispered What baby?  Where?

She looked around her at the sterile empty room.  "I have a baby?"

"You're eight weeks pregnant, Anna," he said, feeling her pulse.

His watchful eyes continued to study her.  Anna.  Pregnant.  Pregnant
Anna

"None of this sounds familiar?"  the doctor asked kindly.

She shook her head, and her fear increased when she saw the
disappointment cross his face.  Both he and the nurse who'd been in her
room when she awoke had been kind to her.  She clung to that kindness
as Dr.  Gordon's words failed to jar any memory from her at all.

"Well, just to be certain that there wasn't more damage than at first
appeared, I'm going to write an order for more tests this afternoon.
But don't worry,

Anna, traumatic memory loss isn't uncommon.

Chances are your memory will return shortly."  And what if it
doesn't?

Dr.  Gordon continued to explain her condition, speaking of a subway
crash she had no recollection of, the trauma to her brain, the news
bulletins being issued statewide in an attempt to reach anyone who knew
her.  But his words were like background noise, an irritation, nearly
drowned out by the voice in her head aimlessly repeating the only words
that meant anything to her--and yet meant, frighteningly nothing at
all.  Atma Pregnant.

She didn't feel like an Anna.  She ran her hand along the flatness of
her belly beneath the stark white hospital sheet.  And she certainly
didn't feel pregnant.

A baby.  Surely the doctor was wrong.  She'd remember something as
important as a baby growing inside of her.  She'd remember the man
who'd helped put it there.  Wouldn't she?  Her chest constricted making
it difficult to breathe.

"Am I crazy, Doctor?"

"No!  Of course not."  He patted her foot beneath the covers.  "The
mind has its own ways of dealing with shock.  Yours is merely doing its
job, protecting you to get you through a hellish ordeal.  You were one
of the lucky ones, coming out of the crash virtually unscathed."

Anna nodded.

"Do you have any more questions?"

Of course she did.  A million of them.  But only

one that mattered.  And apparently one he couldn't answer.  Who am

I?

She shook her head again, harder.  And then wished she hadn't as a wave
of dizziness washed over her.  She did have another question.  What's
going to happen to me?  But she didn't ask it.  She couldn't.  Not yet.
She was too afraid of the answer.

"We'll talk later," the doctor said, smiling down at her.  "Right now
you just need to rest---and eat.  You're far too thin."

Was she?  Tears flooded Anna's eyes as she realized the doctor knew her
body better than she did.  Did she have freckles?  Birthmarks he knew
about and she didn't?  Scars she wouldn't know the history of?.  What
color were her eyes?  Was there anyone she knew on the subway with
her?

"Do you have a mirror?"  she asked, hoping he couldn't hear the panic
in her voice.  How did you live in a stranger's body, in a stranger's
mind?

"I'll have a nurse bring one in."  Dr.  Gordon turned away, almost as
if he was finding this incredibly horrible situation as difficult as
she was.  "You probably have your own obstetrician, but I'm going to
send Dr.  Amy Litton in to see you later today to talk to you about
vitamins and prenatal care.  She was called in yesterday when your
condition was first discovered.  In the meantime try to rest, Anna.
There'll be plenty of time for questions tomorrow."

Tomorrow.  Anna lay completely still after the doctor left, her heart
pounding as his last word brought on another attack of sheer terror.
Tomorrow.

How could she face tomorrow when she didn't even recognize today?

Dear God.  What's to become of me?  Slowly, concentrating, absorbing
every sensation, she pulled her hands up the sides of her body and out
from under the sheet shed found tucked around her when shed first
awoken.  Her skin was soft, her breasts firm, full.  But she was bony,
just like the doctor had said.  Hadn't she had enough money to eat
properly?  And what about the baby?  If there really was one, had she
been taking care of it?

She reached for her hair with trembling fingers.  A band at the back of
her neck held it in place.  So it was long.  Long enough for a
ponytail.  Her fingers explored slowly.  The strands weren't silky
smooth as she somehow knew they usually were; she needed to wash it.
Grabbing her ponytail, she pulled her hair around where she could see
it.  Blond.

She didn't know what shed been expecting, but she didn't feel like a
blonde any more than she felt like an Anna.  Or an expectant mother.

Ceasing her exploration, Anna raised her fist to her mouth, stifling a
sob, trying to remember some-thing---anything.  And drew a complete
blank.  What about her baby's father?  Had he been on the subway with
her?  Was he lying in this very hospital, unidentified, 'as she was?
Was he hurt?  Or worse?  Nan-sea assailed her.

What if her memory didn't come back as the doctor believed?  How was
she going to survive?  How was she ever going to take care of herself
when she didn't even know who she was?  When she didn't

know what she could doff she was trained for anything.  Where she came
from.  if she had anyone ... or not.

She's pregnant.  She has no memory.  What's she going to do next?  Anna
suddenly stepped outside the situation, giving her problems to another
woman, an imaginary unthreatening character over whom she had complete
control.  Something that felt swangely natural.  All.  she had to do
was decide what the woman was going to do next.

She's going to handle it.  That's what.  Somehow.  Deserting the
imaginary woman, Anna slid her arms back beneath the sheet and closed
her eyes.  Her head hurt.  A concussion, the doctor had said.  A subway
crash.  she was lucky.  Lucky.  Trapped in a stranger's body, she
didn't feel lucky at all

WEEKDAY-EVENING newscaster Jason Whitaker choked on his coffee, barely
setting the cup down before grabbing the remote control on the table
beside him and jamming his thumb down on the rewind button.  He'd been
watching a clip that was scheduled for the six-o'clock news, reviewing
the copy that went 'along with it.  Thirty-seven people injured, two
dead, one woman suffering from amnesia.  And suddenly Anna's face had
been there, transposing itself over the sketch of the woman he was
going to be talking about.

Leaning forward in the chair in his dressing room, he watched the
screen intently.  It couldn't be... He'd just had one too many late
nights.  He should have gone straight home after the eleven-o'clock
show

last night, instead of stopping at the piano bar around the comer.  He
should have gone to bed at a decent hour for once, gotten some
sleep--except that he'd known he wouldn't sleep.  He'd have lain there
in the bed he'd once shared with Anna, albeit in another city, and tear
himself up wondering who she, was lying with these days.  Which was why
he'd gone to the bar, instead.

The VCR clicked and Jason jabbed the start button.  He was so tired he
was seeing Anna everywhere.  Even in the poor amnesiac from yesterday's
subway crash.  The woman shared her first name.  Period.  He'd better
get a grip.  Quickly.  He hadn't seen Anna in months.  It was time to
be over her.  To move on, To find a woman who wanted him.  To find one
he wanted.

He sat through the first part of the clip again, this time hardly
registering the impossibly twisted subway train, the flattened steel of
the maintenance vehicle it had collided with, the battered and broken
wall that had ended the train's uncontrolled flight.  Frightened people
poured out of doors that had had to be forced open, some dragging
bodies, others trampling over them, Emergency vehicles, police
authorities, medical personnel scrambled on the screen.  Tearful faces
telling of panic, of despair, filled the background.

And then there she was again.  Jason froze the frame.  The vacant look
in her eyes slammed into him, knocking the breath out of his lungs.  He
shook his head, trying to clear his vision, but she was still there.
Not exactly as he remembered her, and yet

there was no doubt that the Anna he was supposed to be reporting on
was none other than the woman he'd left behind in California three
months be-fore--the woman who'd refused his offer of marriage.  What
was she doing in New York?

His blood pumped feverishly.  Had she realized she couldn't live
without him, after all?  Had she come to her senses?  Was she here to
beg him to take her back?

The images from the clip suddenly crystallized.  The tragic subway
crash, the injured, the amnesia victim no one had claimed, the plea for
anyone who knew the woman to contact Dr.  Thomas Gordon at Madison
General.

Oh, my God The crash.  Anna had been in the crash.

Blood running cold, he reached for the phone, dialing the number on the
monitor in front of him.

"Dr.  Thomas Gordon please."  His words were clipped, and the pencil
he'd picked up tapped furiously on the table.

"Who's calling, please?"

"Jason Whitaker, Channel Sixteen News."  He used his position
unabashedly.  Anna had obviously suffered some kind of head injury.  He
had to know how bad it was.  What else shed suffered.

"One moment, sir."

The wait was endless.  Jason was tempted' to drop the phone and head
immediately for Madison General.  But with the Friday-afternoon New
York City traffic, his chance of getting his answers any more quickly
that way were nil.

"This is Tom Gordon."

"Jason Whitaker, Channel Sixteen News, Dr.  Gordon.  What can you tell
me about your amnesia victim?"

"We sent a report to--"

"What's her current condition?"  he said, cutting the doctor off.  He
knew about the report.  He'd read and reread it.  It didn't tell him
what he needed to know.

"Relatively unchanged."  The doctor sounded hesitant, and Jason
couldn't really blame the man for taking him for an overzealous
reporter looking for a scoop.

Throwing the pencil down on the table, taking a deep breath, he stared
again at the monitor.  "I think I may know her, Doc."

"You think you may?  You aren't sure?"

"All right," Jason sighed, still not believing what his eyes insisted
was true.  "I do know her.  Her name's Anna Hayden."

"You know her family?  Where she comes from?  Where she lives?"
Suddenly the doctor was interviewing him.

"I know her family, where she comes from.  I'm not sure where she's
living," Jason said, still studying the vacant eyes of the pencil
drawing on the television screen, the blurry photo beside it of the
same woman, pale and sleeping.  "I haven't seen or heard from her since
I moved here three months ago."

"So she's not from New York?"  the doctor asked, as if that explained
something.

Jason shook his head, thinking of the little beach house Anna had
shared with her sisters, those long-ago nights he and she had spent
making love under the stars, the sound of the surf drowning out their
cries .... "Mr.  Whitaker?"  The doctor's voice brought him firmly back
to the present.

"She was born and raised in Oxnard, California, just north of LA.  How
bad is she, Doctor?"

"She's a very lucky lady, actually.  A concussion, some minor
contusions.  Nothing that won't quickly heal.  If she has someplace to
go, I'll probably release her tomorrow."

Thank God Jason expelled his breath, the knot in his stomach loosening
a little.

"And her memory loss?"

"How well do you know Anna, Mr.  Whitaker?"

Not nearly as well as I thought.  "Very," he said.  "And, please, call
me Jason."

"Is there someone we can contact?  Any family?"  "She has a sister.
And parents, though I'm not even sure they're in the States," Jason
said, suddenly afraid again.  "Why?  What's wrong with her, Doc?"

"I'm sorry, but I can only disclose the particulars of her case to a
family member."

Frustrated, frightened and strangely hopeful as he considered Anna's
presence in New York, Jason dropped the receiver back into the cradle
after giving the doctor the information he needed.  All he could do now
was wait.  And pray that Abby would call him.

He'd give her ten minutes, and then he was going to the hospital to
get his information from Anna herself if he had to.  He'd been in love
with her for more than two years.  He had a right to know whatever the
doctor wasn't telling him.

And if she was alone in New York, she was going to need a friend.

ABIC;ALE HAY DEN gave a start, her gaze racing to the phone hanging on
the wall in the kitchen of her beach cottage, daring to hope, even
after two months of silence, that the caller would be Anna.

Hope dropped like lead in her stomach when the caller turned out to be
male.  How could Anna bear not to call?  She had to be suffering the
same agony at their separation that Abby was.

"Is this Abby Hayden?"

"Yes."  Impatiently Abby waited for the telephone solicitor to recite
his spiel so she could tell him she wasn't interested.

"I'm Dr.  Thomas Gordon, a neurologist at Madison General Hospital in
New York."

No, God.  Please.  No.  She'd only assumed Anna had gone to New York.
She could be wrong.  She had to be wrong.

"Ms.  Hayden?  Are you there?"

"Yes."

"I have your sister, Anna, here, Ms.  Hayden.  She was on the subway
that derailed..."

No!  She couldn't lose Anna, too.  She just couldn't.  She still
couldn't believe Audrey was

gone, still had days when she just plain couldn't cope.  If she lost
Anna... "only minor bruises and contusions--" "She's okay?"  Abby
interrupted frantically as the doctor's words started to register
again.  God, please.  Just let her-be okay.

"All things considered, she's a very lucky woman."

Abby's stomach clenched even more.  "All things considered?"  She
asked, not liking the hesitancy she heard in the doctor's voice.

"Other than the memory loss I just told you about."

"Memory loss."  Abby forced herself to pay attention.  The doctor must
think her an idiot.

"I'm afraid her amnesia is total at this point, Ms.  Hayden.  She
didn't even know her own name."

"It's Anna," Abby blurted inanely, trying to absorb all the
ramifications of the doctor's news through a fog of numbness.  Anna
couldn't remember her?  Couldn't remember them?  Frightened, Abby had
never felt so adrift in her life.

The doctor told her more about Anna's condition; the slight concussion
shed suffered, her overall good health, her confusion.  He told her
about the engraved locket shed been wearing that had been the only clue
to her name.

"We all three have them," Abby said, ridiculously comforted by the fact
that Anna was still wearing hers.

"Three?"  Dr.  Gordon asked.

"My two sisters and I," Abby said with barely a

pause.  "Is Anna going to be all right, Doctor?  Will her memory
return?"  It had to return.  Abby would sit with Anna every day, work
with her around the clock, fill in every memory of every moment they'd
ever lived if that was what it took to get her back.

"I expect it to return any time now, or at least portions of it, with
the remainder following in bits and pieces.  The blow she sustained
wasn't particularly severe.  I don't foresee any permanent damage."

"Thank God."  Abby sank to the floor.

"I'd actually expected her to begin remembering already," the doctor
continued, that hesitancy in his voice again.  "The fact that she
hasn't leads me to wonder if we're dealing with more than just shock
here."

"Like what?"  The fear was back stronger than ever.

"Ms.  Hayden, has your sister suffered any emotional trauma lately?
Anything fom which she might want to escape?"

Abby almost laughed, except that she suspected the doctor would hear
the hysteria in her voice.

"Our sister' Audrey, died a little over a year ago."  "I'm sorry."

Abby blinked back tears when she heard the Sincerity in Dr.  Gordon's
voice.  "Mo, too."  She paused, took a deep breath, pus hod away
memories of that horrible day.  "Anna handled it all pretty well,
considering," she said.  And then had to be honest.  "Though Jason
would probably know that

better than I. He's probably the one you should be talking to."

"Jason Whitaker?"

"You know him?"  Abby's heart rate sped up.  Had she been right, then?
Was Jason there with Anna now?  Had the two of them managed to undo the
damage Abby had done?

"I haven't actually met him.  He called in answer to a story we'd put
out asking for information.,

"Did he say if he'd seen her recently?"  Abby held her breath.

"To the contrary--he hadn't even known she was in New York.  Said he
hadn't heard from her in more than three months."

Oh, God.

"Do you have any idea what she's doing in New York?"  the doctor asked
gently.  "Does she have a home here?"

Tears sprang to Abby's eyes once again, and again she forced them back.
"I don't know."  It was one of the hardest things shed ever had to
admit.  "She called a meeting in my father's office about two months
ago to tell us--my parents and me---that she was going away for a year.
She said she had to prove to herself that she could get by without us
to lean on.  She wouldn't tell us where she was headed, and she said
she wouldn't be phoning us.  She made us promise we wouldn't follow or
try to find her."

"And you haven't heard from her since?"  Not in fifty-nine hellish
days.  "No."  "Do you know if she went alone?"

"No.  But I'd hoped she went to Jason."  "Apparently not."

"So what's she doing in New York?"  Abby cried, more to herself than to
Anna's doctor.

"That seems to be one of many things locked away in your sister's mind
at the moment."  "There's more?"  Abby asked.  "Anna's about eight
weeks pregnant."

The fog swirled around Abby, cloaking her, making it nearly impossible
for her to form coherent thoughts.  Anna, pregnant?  And Abby hadn't
known?  Hadn't felt ... something?  There had to be a mistake.

"How?"  she asked, slowly getting to her feet.

The doctor coughed.  "In the usual way, I suppose."

"Who's the father?"

"I was hoping you could shed some light on that."

Abby shook her head.  She could think of no one.  Only Jason.  It had
always been only Jason.  And if he hadn't seen Anna... "so, I'd like to
fax you some information on amnesia, various theories and treatments,
if you have someplace you can receive a fax..."

Abby tuned in again in time to rattle off the fax number at the shop.
And to inform the doctor, when he asked, that her parents were
vacationing abroad, but that shed leave word immediately for them to
call her.  Not that she expected much support from them once they
learned Anna wasn't in any real danger.

"What happens next?"  Abby asked, already looking through a drawer in
the kitchen for the num-her of their travel agent.

"That, in part, depends on Anna.  And on you, too."  He paused, took a
breath.  "My recommendation is that you tell Anna nothing, let her
remember on her own particularly because we don't know what aspects of
her life she might be trying to escape.  But I want you to read the
information I'm sending before you make any decisions."

Abby nodded, still looking for the number.  "Is Jason with her?"  she
asked.

"Not yet," Dr.  Gordon said.  "I wasn't at liberty to apprise him of
Anna's particulars without first checking with her family.  Especially
in a case like this when Anna can't possibly vouch for him herself."

"I'd trust Jason Whitaker with my life, Doctor," Abby answered
immediately, almost defensively.  "And Anna's, too."  He'd been their
strength after Audrey died-and so much more.  He'd taught them to laugh
again.

"Would you like me to call him?"  the doctor asked.

"No."  Abby stopped rummaging through the drawer.  "VII do it myself."
The phone call wouldn't be easy, but she owed it to Jason.  She owed
him something else, as well, and knew, suddenly, that shed just been
handed a way to fight the terrible wrong shed done Anna and Jason.  ff
she was strong enough.

"Dr.  Gordon?"  she said quickly, before she lost her courage.

"Yes?"

"As long as Jason's there and I'm not, and assuming he's willing, he's
in charge."  If Abby hadn't interfered, the right would have been his,
anyway.

He'd have been Anna's husband by now.  "You're sure?"

She'd never been less sure of anything in her life.  "Any choices that
have to be made come from him," she said firmly.  And then, more 'for
herself than for the doctor, she added, "I'll abide by whatever
decisions he makes."  With her eyes squeezed tight against escaping
tears, she prayed to God that Jason would include her every step of the
way.

Though, with her history of unanswered prayers, that didn't seem
likely.

NINE AND A HALF MINUTES after he'd hung up from Dr.  Gordon, Jason's
telephone rang.

He grabbed the receiver.  "Abby?"

"Jason?"  Anna's sister was distraught, as he'd known shed be.  The
amazing thing was shed called' him.

"I can't believe this is happening," she said, hardly a trace of the
old Abby in her subdued tone.  "Dr.  Gordon says you haven't seen
her?"

"Only on a piece of footage.  I was waiting to hear from you," Jason
said, trying to gauge her mood---theh' relationship.  "What else did
Dr.  Gordon say?"

"He said Anna's fine other than the amnesia,"

she told him.  "He needs to know if there are any emotional traumas
she might be trying to block."  Abby paused.  "I told him you would
probably know that better than L"

He could hear the hurt in her tone, mingling with her worry.  Not that
he blamed her.  He'd accused her of some pretty nasty things before
leaving California.  And she d/d have a tendency to control things,
always thinking she knew best for everybody, but it hadn't really been
her fault that Anna had chosen to stay' with her only living triplet,
instead of moving across the country with him.

"Did you tell him about Audrey?"  Jason asked gently.  He loved Abby
like a sister.  He was sorry he'd hurt her, sorry, too, that Anna's
love for him had hurt her.

"Briefly."  She paused, then said in a rush, "But then I discovered
that I really don't know how Anna dealt with all that.  I mean, she
never talked to me about it very much."  Another pause.  "Which is why
I told Dr.  Gordon he was probably better off speaking with you."  Her
last words, an admission that had to have cost her plenty, were almost
a whisper.

"She never talked to me much about it, either, Abby," be said, feeling
compelled to ease her obvious suffering.  "You know Anna, she's always
been the type who keeps her pain to herself."

A heavy silence hung on the line.  Jason would have moved mountains to
turn back time, to erase that last scene with Abby.  He'd missed her.
He'd missed them all.

"Will you talk to him, Jason?  Please?"  she finally asked.

"Sure.  Of course.  You know I will."

Another silence and then, tentatively, "So she hasn't been with you
these past two months?"  It sounded as if she was fighting the tears
another person would have cried.  Which was so like Abby.  Always
intent on remaining in control.

"I wish," he said.  And then the significance of her question hit him.
"You don't know where she's been?  She's been away from home for two
months ?"

"I hoped she was with you."  Abby lost her battle with the tears.

"I haven't heard from her since I left California.  What's going on,
Abby?"

"I don't know," she whispered, sniffing.  He could picture her standing
in the kitchen of the beach house, scrubbing at her nose with a tissue,
her long blond hair falling around her shoulders.  "She called a
meeting with me and the folks just a few weeks after you left, said she
was going away for a year--had to know whether or not she could make it
on her own."  Abby paused, taking a deep breath, and then continued,
"She made us promise not to follow her or contact her until the year
was up, at which time she promised to come home--at least for a
visit."

His own disappointment was crushing.  She'd been gone for two months.
She hadn't just left home, just arrived in New York.  She'd had two
months to contact him.  And she hadn't.

"What did I do, Jason?  Why won't she talk to me anymore?"  Abby
cried.

"I don't think it's just you, Abby," he said, glancing again at the
vacant stare on the sketch still frozen on his television monitor.
"Audrey's death brought home to Anna that the three of you were three
separate beings, not one whole as shed always thought.  Maybe she just
needs to find out who her part of the threesome really is."

He hoped so.  God he hoped so.  Because until Anna truly believed she
could survive apart from her identical sisters, shed never be able to
live her own life, to love.

"Maybe."  Abby didn't sound convinced.  And Jason had to admit that his
reasoning was probably just wishful thinking.

"How soon are you flying out?"  Jason asked, a little surprised she
wasn't already on her way.  Abby had pulled her sisters through every
crisis in their lives.

"Tin going io reserve a flight for tomorrow, but I'll wait to hear from
you before I buy the ticket.  I won't come if Ama dOesn't want me
there."

Shocked, Jason said, "It sounds to me like she's not going to know what
she walls."  What the hell was going on?

"You'll call me as soon as you see her?  As soon as you talk to Dr.
Gordon?"

"Of course."

"Jason?"  her voice was tentative again, but warmer.  "You really
haven't seen her since you left here?"  she asked.  "Not even once?"

"Oh."

"I'll call you later," he said, anxious to get to the hospital, to find
out just what he was dealing with.

"$ason?"  She hesitated.  "I, uh, told Dr.  Gordon that you're in
charge."  Another hitation when $a-son had no idea what to say.  "For
as long as you want to be," she finished.

Jason had waited too long for Abby to abdicate a single decision in
Anna's life to quarrel over the fact that she was doing so three months
too late.  "Fine."

"You'll be there for her, won't you, Jason?  No matter what you
find?"

Her query was odd enough to send a fresh wave of apprehension through
him.  Was Anna's amnesia more serious than he thought?  Was it
permanent?

"As long as she needs me," he said, wondering if she ever really had.
The Hayden sisters had grown up in their own liUle cocoon, buffered
from the world by the unusual bond they shared, a bond made stronger by
having been born to two PeOple who were wonderful providers but
terrible parents.  He'd been a fool to think he could ever penetrate
that cocoon, be a part of their world.  But then, when it came to
relationships, he'd always been something of a 'fool.

CHAPTER TWO

ANNA WANTED OUT.  It was bad enough being mentally trapped, but to be
stuck in a hospital room, too, was driving her insane.  "After another
nap, a huge lunch and a visit from Dr.  Litton, she was ready to get on
with things.  Whatever they were.

As she lay in bed, her restlessness grew.  She needed to take a long
walk, to smell the breeze.  To do something.

But fear kept her paralyzed.  What would she do?  Where would she go?
What clothes was she going to wear to get there?  She could hardly
wander around New York City dressed in a hospital gown.  Her nurse had
told her not to worry, that the city was assuming full liability; shed
have money for new clothes, might even end up a rich woman when all was
said and done.  Her nurse didn't seem to Understand that money was the
least of Anna's worries at the moment..

She'd had the second set of tests Dr.  Gordon ordered, but she hadn't
seen him again since shed awe ken that morning.  Was it a bad sign that
so many hours had passed and she still hadn't remembered a single
thing?  She was trying to relax like

he'd said, but was beginning to suspect it was time to panic.

What happened to people like her?  Were they institutionalized Locked
away until their only reality was the walls around them?  if so, shed
rather have died in the subway crash.

Her gaze dat'xl desperately about the small room--and alighted on the
pamphlets Dr.  Litton had left for her to read.  The authorities
couldn't put her away.  At least not anytime soon.  She was going to
have a baby.

Picking up one of the pamphlets, Anna's panic eased just a bit.  She
liked Dr.  Litton.  Whether or not she ever remembered seeing another
obstetrician, she wanted Dr.  Litton to help her bring this baby into
the world.

Baby.  She was going to have a baby.  Sometime around the middle of
January.

As crazy as it seemed, Anna was glad.

DH.  GORDON HAD a gentle beating that bespoke calm, as well as
confidence.  Jason liked the middle-aged man immediately.  Sitting in
the doctor's office at Madison General, he listened intently while Dr.
Gordon described Anna's condition.

"Her amnesia is a direct result of a blow to the lower left portion of
her cranium.  As the brain doesn't appear to be anything more than
superli-cially bruised, I must wonder if perhaps her subconscious has
used the impact as an opportunity to escape something that came before
the crash," he said, joining Jason on the couch opposite his desk.

"You mean, something she saw just before the accident, something like
that?"  Jason asked.

"Possibly."  The doctor's clasped hands lay across his stomach.  "But I
would expect the memory loss to cover just those few minutes if that
were the Case."

"Are you saying there's more to her condition than just the crash?"

"I believe she might be suffering from a post-traumatic stress form of
amnesia, sometimes called hysterical amnesia"

Jason's bloo/t ran c ld.  Was the doctor trying to tell him Anna's
condition was permanent?  That she was mentally ill?

"Which means What?"  he asked.  They'd handle it.  Whatever it was,
they'd handle it together.  His right leg started to move up and down
rapidly, the motion barely discernible, keeping time with his
thoughts.

"Simply that she was suffering from an emotional crisis that was more
than she believed she could bear.  When she hit her head, lost
consciousness, her subconscious grabbed the opportunity to escape."
"Permanently?"

"Most likely not," Dr.  Crdon said.  "When her subconscious believes
she can handle whatever it is she's trying to escape from, her memory
will return.  Though probably not all at once."

$ason stared silently at the doctor, trying desperately to grasp the
big picture.  He had so many questions vying for attention, he couldn't
settle on a single one of them.

"This reaction is really quite healthy in one sense," Dr.  Gordon
said, as if he knew Jason needed a lit He time to arrange his thoughts.
"Rather than having a breakdown or falling prey to various other
stress-induced mental and physical disorders, Anna is simply taking a
vacation, gaining herself a little time to shore up the defenses
necessary to handle whatever it is that's bothering her."

Jason's heart faltered as he realized the extent of the pain Anna must
have been in to react like this.  "How long do you think it's going to
take?"

Shrugging, Dr.  Gordon sat forward, steepling his fingers in front of
him.  "That's entirely up to Anna."  He looked directly at Jason, his
expression serious.  "Her sister tells me you might be able to shed
some light on whatever it is Anna's running from."

"Abby told you about Audrey?"

"Only that she died last year."

"Did she tell you the three of them were identical triplets?"

"No!"  The doctor frowned.  "But that explains a lot.  The premature
death of a sibling--only twenty-seven, Abby told medis hard enough to
cope with, but the loss of an identical sibling..."

Jason thought of that time, the horror.  Hell, he'd been practically
living at the beach house, ready to ask Anna to marry him, When their
world had exploded around them.

"Audrey didn't just die, Doctor, she was murdered," he said, his throat
dry.  An entire year had

passed--and the pain was still as fresh as if the murder had happened
yesterday.

The doctor moved to the seat behind his desk, grabbing a pad of paper.
"What happened?"

Jason shrugged.  "No one knows for sure.  After months of investigation
the police determined that the whole thing was the result of an
attempted assault that Audrey resisted."

"You say that as if you don't agree."  Dr.  Gordon looked up.

"I have no reason to doubt them, except that Audrey wasn't the type to
resist ... anything.  She was the baby of the threesome and always
seemed to take the easiest route."

"Did Anna accept the police explanation?"  Again Jason shrugged.
"Let's just say she never expressed any disagreement with it.  But then
Anna has always kept her thoughts to herself.  Comes from being the
middle triplet I guess."  His leg continued to vibrate, marking time.

"What about the girls' parents?  Abby said this afternoon that they're
in Italy.  Do they travel a lot or were they around at the time of
Audrey's murder?"

"They were around, as much as they ever are.  The Haydens love their
daughters, but they make much better entrepreneurs than they do---or
ever did---parents."  Jason thought of the handsome older couple, of
how little he knew them, considering all the time he'd spent at their
daughters' beach house the past couple of years.  "The triplets weren't
planned," he told the doctor.  "I've pretty much figured out that
practically from the stage they were in diapers, Abby stepped in to
fill the void their parents' frequent absences left in the girls'
lives.  She's always watched out for them, made their business her
business, bossed them around."  He studied the diamond pattern in Dr.
Gordon's tie.  "But she's also, in all the years I've known them, put
their needs before her own."

Dr.  Gordon stopped writing and laid down his pen.  "And yet Abby tells
me that she hasn't seen or heard from her sister in over two months.
From what you describe, this in itself is highly unusual."

"It is.  I can hardly believe it."  Standing, Jason paced slowly around
the couch.  "In all the time I've known Anna, she's never made a move
without discussing it with Abby first."  He shook his head.  "I
actually thought Anna's leaving was a good sign when Abby told me about
it," he admitted.  "I hoped it meant that Anna was finally beginning to
believe she's a person in her own right, not just a third of a
whole."

"Seems logical."  The doctor nodded.  "Or at least that Anna was ready
to find out one way or the other.  According to her sister, Anna said
she was leaving to prove to herself that she could handle life on her
own--apart from her family."

Jason stopped pacing and placed his hands on the back of the couch. "Do
you think this could be what's behind her amnesia?  Is she maybe
allowing herself a respite from the compulsion to return to California,
time to find out who she is apart from Abby?"

"I suppose it's possible," Dr.  Gordon said, frowning again.  "She
might even have been at war with herself--unable to make it on her own,
unable to cope with not being able to make it alone."  "You don't sound
convinced."

The doctor fixed Jason with an intent look and asked, "Just what is
your relationship with Anna?"

Jason resumed his pacing.  With the past three months uppermost in his
mind--that last terrible scene with Anna still haunting him-q wasn't
sure how to answer.

"We're friends," he said finally, stopping once again behind the couch
and clutching the frame.

"You said when you called earlier that you haven't seen her since you
left California, that you didn't know she was in New York?"  Dr. Gordon
continued to probe.

"That's correct," Jason admitted.

"Did her sister say anything to you about anyone else in Anna's life?
Someone she may have been seeing?  Either before she left home or just
after?"

Jason shook his head.  "No one's heard from her in two months.  Why?"
he asked, although judging by the concern in the doctor's face, he was
pretty sure he didn't want to know.  Had Anna said someone's name in
her sleep?  Someone none of them knew?

"She's pregnant."

Jason's knuckles turned white as he gripped the back of the couch. He'd
heard wrong.  He thought the doctor had said Anna was pregnant.

"Under the circumstances I can't help but wonder Dr.  Gordon's words
were muted by the roaring in Jason's ears.  "perhaps Anna's pregnancy
is what she's hiding from.  At no more than two months, she can't have
known very long herself..."  Two months pregnant.  Goal No.

"entirely possible she's not ready to handle the circumstances behind
the child's conception."

Conception.  I haven't slept with her in over three months.  Oh, God.
No!

"You think she was raped?"  Jason's voice was a rasp.  Please, God, not
my precious Anna.  Anything but that

"It's possible."  Dr.  Gordon shrugged.  "But I don't think so.  The
amnesia appears to have affected only the personal portion of her
memory, not the memory that controls basic needs.  If shed been raped,
I would expect to see signs of fear for her physical self, even if she
didn't understand why she felt those fears."

The back of Jason's neck ached.  "So, what..."  his words trailed away.
He couldn't believe it.  Anna was pregnant.  With another man's child.
The world had tilted on its axis and he had a feeling it wasn't ever
going to right itself again.

Dr.  Gordon stood up, coming around to lean one hip on the comer of his
desk.  "It's my belief that Anna's amnesia is emotionally based," he
said.  "That she's running from something.  Perhaps she doesn't want
the baby."  He lifted a hand and let it drop back to his thigh.  "Maybe
the father is married, or maybe it's someone her family wouldn't
approve of, or even someone who didn't want her."

None of which applied to Jason.  He continued to grip the back of the
couch, using it to hold himself upright.  He thought he was going to
puke.  if, by some miracle, Anna's baby had been his, shed have known
she could come to him.  She would have come to him simply because she
would never have kept something like this from him.

The phone rang and Dr.  Gordon excused himself, turning his back as he
picked up the receiver and spoke quietly.

Jason continued to stand, still as a statue, his thoughts torturing
him.  Anna's family, her sister, would have been supportive if Anna was
pregnant with his child.  He'd been a part of them for so long he'd
forgotten they weren actually his family--am-til the day Anna had told
him she wouldn't marry him, wouldn't move to New York with him.  The
day Anna had chosen Abby.  Two days later Jason had hunted Abby down,
hurling all his anguish, his pain at her.

But even that had been more like a brother furious with his sister than
anything else.

Left to his thoughts as the doctor continued his low-voiced
conversation, Jason faced the truth.  Anna was no mos than two months
pregnant.  He hadn't slept with her in more than three.  Anna had been
with someone else.  Her' baby wasn't his.

So what was wrong with the bastard?  Why wasn't he here now, claiming
her, claiming his child?  Was he someone who, as Dr.  Gordon suggestt,
would shock her family?  Family was the one thing that mattered most to
Anna--or at least Abby was.  Anna

truly didn't believe she could exist without Al He'd learned that the
hard way.  Had this other,.  too?  Had Anna loved him and then sent him
other life?

"Sorry about that," Dr.  Gordon said, hanginl the phone.  "My wife's
pregnant with our first at forty-one, and she's a nervous wreck."  He
sk his head.  "We were all set to adopt, and my suddenly turns up
pregnant.  After more than years of trying."

Jason appreciated the doctor's attempt to ligl the moment, but he could
barely manage asn He needed to throw something.

"You know, there's a remote possibility Anna knew she was pregnant
before she left hen Dr.  Gordon said.

Jason remained silent, a raised eyebrow the acknowledgment that he'd
heard the other man.

"She could have left home to have the chil, secret," the doctor
continued: "She may have L planning to give the baby up for adoption wi
anyone ever knowing shed had it.  Hence her quest for a year with no
contact."

She'd left home only four weeks after he'd seen her.  Could the baby
possibly be his, after Jason wondered.  Had she taken their breakUl;
mean he wouldn't expect to know if he'd fath a child?  The thought
wasn't pleasant.

"You said she's two months along.  Could sh more?  Say thirteen,
fourteen weeks?"

Dr.  Gordon shook his head.  "I seriously doub Judging by the baby's
measurements from yes

day's ultrasound, eight weeks is just about max.  Could be closer, in
fact, to six or seven."

"But you just said she may have known about the pregnancy before she
left."

The doctor shrugged.  "With early detection, women can sometimes know
within days after conception," he said.  "Then again, she may have
known only that shed had unprotected intercourse at her fertile
time."

In that instant the vulnerable part of Jason that had somehow survived
his childhood died.  While he'd been making himself crazy with wanting
Anna, shed been making a baby with someone else.  Hell, maybe there'd
been someone else all along.  Maybe that was why she Wouldn't marry
him.  Maybe the unusual bond between Anna and Abby wasn't the problem
at all-but rather, an excuse.

No.  That didn't ring true.  He knew that Anna wodld never have made
love with another man while still sleeping with him.  He knew, too,
that her bond with Abby had been the biggest rift between them.  Still,
Jason couldn't escape one undeniable fact.  Anna was pregnant and he
wasn't the father.

She must have fallen head over heels in love with someone the second he
left.  town And if that was the case, he really had no one to blame but
himself.  He'd given her an ultimatum.  And then he'd walked out on
her.

Which was just what he wanted to do again.

Dr.  Gordon's name suddenly came over the loudspeaker.  "I'm going to
have to go," he said.  "ff you don't mind, I'd like you to walt to
visit Anna

until I can go with you," he added, putting Anna's file back
together.

Jason nodded, grateful for the reprieve.

"Can you meet me here this evening, say, around eight?"

Eight o'clock was right between shows.  He could make it back.  But he
knew he'd have been there even if it wasn't convenient.  "You think she
might remember something when she sees meT' he asked, following the
doctor out into the hall.

"It's possible," Tom Gordon said.  "I think we need to be prepared for
that eventuality.  See you at eight," he called as he rounded the comer
and was gone from sight.

Jason strode from the chilly hospital into the warm July sun, as if by
leaving the building he could leave behind everything that waited for
him there.  Except that Anna was still in his heart, and he had to take
that with him.

ABBY WAITED for his call.  She had errands to ran, some fabric to pick
up for the shop, an order to deliver to the new kids' shop out by
Beverly Center, but it all had to wait.  When Jason heard what Dr.
Gordon had to tell him, he was going to need to talk.  Abby would have
told him herself except she hadn't had that much courage.  Hadn't been
able to bring herself to hurt him again.

They hadn't parted well.  And because of that last horrible scene,
they'd both been awkward on the phone earlier.  But he was family.  By
virtue of his love for her sister, his unending support to all of

them when Audrey was killed the year before, he was family.  Besides,
as much as she hated the things he'd said to her that last day, the
brutal accusations, she was grateful to him, too.  If not for him, she
probably never would have seen that she was mining her sister's life
with her controlling ways.  When her sister had come to her telling her
she was leaving, shed have talked her into staying.  Because shed have
been so sure that staying would have been best for Anna.

She wasn't sure about anything anymore.  Except that Jason would call.
Because of the baby.  And she owed it to him to be there when he did.
He was going to be devastated.

He'd been on her conscience for three long months.  She'd never seen
anyone as hurt, as bitter, as he'd been the day he'd stormed into the
back of the shop.  And he'd been right to accuse her of creating a rift
between Anna and him.

She'd mined his life.  And probably Anna's, too.  She'd never seen two
people more in love, more suited to each other than Anna and Jason. And
shed been too selfish to free her only living triplet from their bond,
to let Anna share an even closer bond with the man she loved. She'd
been too blissfully blind to see that she had the power to hold
Anna--or to let her go.  She'd been so sure she and Anna were meant to
live out their lives together, neither one making a decision without
the other--almost as if she, Abby, had one part of their brain and Anna
another.  Audrey had had the third.

It had always been that way.  The of them

together, through thick 'and thin, grades and boy-friends, lost
friends and forgotten birthdays.  No one had ever told them it would
ever be any different.  They were a package deal, their fate sealed in
their mother's womb.

The phone rang, and Abby jumped, knocking over a stool as she grabbed
for the telephone hanging on the wall.

It was Jason.  And doing worse than shed feared.  "You've heard," Abby
said.  She was having trouble comprehending that Anna was' pregnant
without her knowing, without her sharing in Anna's elation, her
excitement, her fears.  Jason had to be feeling ten times worse.

"Who is he?"

Tears sprang to her eyes at the raw emotion in his voice.  "I don't
know.  I was praying it was you."  "No chance."  "Oh, God."

Silence fell heavily on the line.  Abby felt as if she was coming
unglued.  She could hardly concentrate, couldn't make sense out of the
past six hours at all.  Her sister had been a victim in a serious
accident, had amnesia and was pregnant, and shed known nothing about
any of it.  Shouldn't she have sensed Anna's need?  Shouldn't Anna have
reached out to her?

"Have you seen her?"  she asked, unable to stand the silence any
longer.

"No."  The single syllable was racked with pain.

Abby was almost afraid to ask.  "Are you going to see her?"  Anna would
be all right if Jason was

there.  She didn't know why she was so sure of that, but she was.

"Of course," he said, and Abby heaved a sigh of relief.  "Dr.  Gordon
was called away in the middle of our meeting," Jason continued, "but he
asked me to wait to see her until he can go with me."

He didn't sound like he objected to the delay all that much.  "Does he
expect something to happen when she sees youT"

"I don't think he knows what to expect," Jason said on a sigh.  "This
is Anna's show all the way."

"She loved you, Jason, with all her heart," Abby felt compelled to tell
him.

"Right."  His sarcastic tone cracked across the wire.

"Those weeks after you left were awful."  Abby insisW.i. "Tve never
seen Anna like that, not even after Audrey died."

"Yeah, well, apparently she recovered."

Abby had to find a way to make this all better.  There was no one in
the world she loved more than Anna---but Jason came in a close second.
She'd always wanted a big brother, had often fantasized as a child
about having someone older and stronger to 'look after them.

"Maybe he was just a one-night stand,".  Abby said in a rash.  "You
know, someone she turned to in a fit of loneliness, pretending he was
you."  "Maybe."

He wasn't buying it and she couldn't blame him.  But neither could she
imagine, in any way, shape or form, that Anna had fallen in love with
another man.

Her sister was too besotted with Jason even to look at anyone else.
Anna was the most steadfast person shed ever known, and shed given her
heart completely to one man.  She just wasn't the type to give it to
another, not if she lived to be a hundred and never saw Jason again in
her life.  That was Anna.  Though even Abby hadn't understood the depth
of Anna's commitment--not until shed seen what having to choose between
conflicting commitments had done to her sister.

"What are you going to tell her?"  Abby asked.  She was almost afraid
to hear the answer.  Would Anna hate her when she heard about the part
Abby had played in her life?  If Anna had no memory of her love for her
sister, Abby could well believe it.

"I don't know, yet," Jason said.  "I suspect that's one of the things
Dr.  Gordon will go over before we see her."

He sounded tired and Abby's guilt grew.  "Call me, okay?"

"Yeah.  You coming out?"  he asked.

Abby shook her head, her tears finally brimming and falling down her
face.  "I don't know," she said.  She wanted to--more than anything.
But only if Anna and $ason both wanted her there.  "I'll wait and see
what happens tonight."

And she would.  Wait right by the phone.  She simply didn't know what
else to do.  Her entire life had consisted of taking care of her
sisters, getting them out of scraps, Audrey mostly, guiding them,
loving them when their parents weren't around to do it.  But Audrey was
dead.  And Anna no longer remembered her.  So what was left?

CHAPTER THREE

HE DID THE NEWS BROADCAST.  He even gave the report on Anna.  For all
he knew, the father of, her child was in the city somewhere, willing to
claim her.  Jason almost hoped another man would come forward--then he,
Jason, would be free to walk away.  But somehow, as he took a cab back
to the hospital shortly before eight, he had a feeling that no matter
what transpired, he wasn't going to be free from Anna Hayden for a very
long time.  Possibly never.  '

And in the meantime no one had reported her missing.  She was all
alone--and pregnant--in a strange city, thousands of miles from home.
He couldn't walk away.  He couldn't leave her lying there.  But neither
could he help wishing that the child she was carrying was his, that by
some fluke her baby could really have been conceived fourteen weeks
ago, instead of eight.  That he actually had a right to be the one to
care for her, to claim her.

The sick feeling increased as soon as he walked in the door of Dr.
Gordon's office.  There Was nothing wrong with the room.  Standard desk
littered with charts, bland blue couch and matching armchairs, carpet,
diplomas on the wall, and books.  Lots of

books.  But Jason hated the room; he hated being there.

Hanging up the phone as Jason walked in, Dr.  Gordon frowned.  "That
was the police," he said.  "No one's come forward, yet."

Jason nodded, truly undecided whether this was good news or bad.

"Do you think she'll know me?"  Jason asked the question that was
uppermost in his mind.  This wasn't how he'd pictured his reunion with
Anna.  In every single one of his fantasies, she not' only knew who he
was, but insisted she couldn't live without him.

The doctor leaned his hip on the comer of his desk.  "It's possible
she'll recognize you," he said.  "But don't be surprised if she
doesn't."

"Is she, you know, normal?  Other than her memory, that is?"  he asked
quickly.

"Her intelligence hasn't been affected, if that's what you've been
imagining," Dr.  Gordon said, smiling.  "Information is stored in many
different areas of the brain.  General learned information is separate
from personal or emotional memories, for example.  Apparently the only
area in Anna's brain that's been affected is this last one," he said.
"Which is, again, why I feel certain that she's suffering from
hysterical amnesia."

At least somewhat relieved by the doctor's words, Jason asked, "So do
we tell her who I am?"

The doctor gave Jason an assessing stare.  "How recent is your personal
history with her?"

"I'm that obvious?"  Jason asked.  It was impossible to feel
embarrassed with this man.

"Not really," the doctor said.  "But her pregnancy hit you hard."

Jason nodded.  "I asked her to marry me a little over three months
ago," he admitted.  "She're Dr.  Gordon watched him for another moment
and 'then got up to go sit behind his desk.  "Tm sure there's more
there, but I've heard enough to know that if she doesn't recognize you,
we're going to have to proceed with caution."  He pulled some printed
material from a folder on top of his desk and handed it to Jason.

"I ran this off for you earlier," he said.  "You're going to find that
amnesia isn't treated like other mental illnesses.  Some doctors are
skeptical about its even being a valid diagnosis."

"They'd think Anna's faking it?"  Jason asked.  The doctor shrugged.
"Do you think she is?"

"I'm certain she's not," Dr.  Gordon said, leaning back in his chair.
"But as you read, you'll find that even among the medical professionals
who do recognize amnesia as a legitimate condition, there's a vast
difference in beliefs when it comes to treatment.  '

Jason looked down at the pages the doctor had given him, and then back
at Dr.  Gordon.  The man had instilled trust from the moment Jason had
met him.

"Go on," he said.

"All right, I will give you my recommendations, but with the
understanding that after you've done some reading, you call in other
opinions if you feel the need."

"I'll fax the stuff to Abby tonight."

The doctor shook his head.  "No need," he said.  "I've already done it.
I spoke to her again a little over an hour ago."

"And?"

"She agrees, though not enthusiastically, with my recommendation, but
will abide by whatever you and Anna decide."

She'd said the same to Jason earlier, but until that minute he hadn't
really believed shed follow through on it.  Abdicating decision making
was so un-Abby-like Jason felt his world tilt just a little bit more.
Maybe this was all just one hell of an alcohol-induced nightmare.

But he knew it wasn't.  Anna lay in a hospital bed just floors away
from him, their love not even a memory.

Jason set the papers down beside him.  "So what do you recommend?"

"Assuming she doesn't recognize you, I'd say as little as possible.
Because as certain as I am that this is temporary, I have to warn you
that if you try to force Anna to listen to what her mind's not ready to
deal with, you could very well send her into a permanent state of
memory loss.  if we knew for certain what she's trying to escape, we
could just avoid those areas, but since we don't, the less said the
better."

Recognizing the sense in the doctor's words, Jason nodded, but he
didn't like what he was hearing.  How could he see Anna, possibly spend
time with her and act as though he hadn't spent the best two years of
his life with her?  "Can I tell her I know her at all?"  he asked.

"Certainly," Dr.  Gordon replied, steepling his fingers under his chin
as he watched Jason.  "Tell her you're an old friend of the family.
Tell her she has family.  Even tell her that, according to her sister,
she's in New York on a. sort of year's sabbatical from her life.  She
should know that she demanded her family leave her alone for a year.
Anything to give her confidence in her own mental strength.

"What I wouldn't do," he confmued, "is tell her anything emotionally
threatening.  I wouldn't tell her that she's one of a set of triplets,
for instance, which means that it might very well be best to keep Anna
and Abby apart for the time being.  You said they're identical?"

"Completely," Jason said, nodding.  Though he'd never had trouble
telling them apart.  By the time he'd met her sisters, he'd already
been half in love with Anna.  Their resemblance to each Other had taken
some getting used to, though; three gorgeous, blond-haired, brown-eyed
beauties.  But he'd never confused them.  They were such different
people, in spite of their physical sameness.

"Which means it would be impossible to keep Anna's multiple-birth
status a secret if the two women met, and since being one of triplets
is one of the things we suspect she's running from..."

Jason nodded, following the doctor's train thought as the older man's
words trailed off.

"I also wouldn't mention Audrey's murder your own recent breakup," Dr.
Gordon continu "All these things combined are very likely a la part of
what's paralyzing her."

"But there could be more," Jason said, think about what the doctor had
already told him.  "So thing that happened in the past two months that
know-nothing about.  Something to do with baby."

What hurt most of all was knowing Anna I been in New York, in trouble,
and she hadn't cal him.  That, more than anything else, killed the h
he'd been harboring that she would One day co back to him.

"I suspect that Anna's suffering from not c huge trauma, but rather a
combination of mas---put together, they became too much for h I'd say
most definitely something in the past' tmonths has contributed to her
current condition."

Jason nodded numbly as he accepted the need ride this thing out.  To
let Anna remember her 1 in her own time.  "How soon can she leave here
he asked.

"Tomorrow if she has a place to go.  Physica there's no reason for her
to stay in the hospital."

"She has a place."  It didn't matter how stupid knew it was, he
couldn't have walked away fr Anna if his life had depended on it.

Dr.  Gordon stood up, accepting Jason's cla

without further question, as if he'd been expecting the response. "Are
you ready to see her?"

As ready as he was going to get, Jason thought.  But still... "There's
no chance she's three months pregnant?"  He felt compelled to try one
more time.

Dr.  Gordon shrugged, heading for the door.  "Anything is possible," he
said--but he didn't sound like he believed it.  "Anna's underweight,
which could make her baby small."

The doctor stopped, looking at Jason, one male to another.  "You want
my professional opinion?"

Jason looked away from the pity reflected in the other man's eyes.  He
was done fooling himself with false hopes, with dreams.

"Of course."  '

"She's eight weeks along."

Filled with apprehension, his stomach fled in knots, he followed the
doctor from the room.  After three months of being haunted by images of
this moment, none of which were even remotely accurate, he was finally
about to see the woman he loved again.

STROLL(3 DOWN the hallway for what seemed like the hundredth time, Anna
studied everything around her.  Surely something would spark a memory.
A color, an emblem, a hairdo.  Something must be familiar to her.

But nothing was.  Except for the nurse who'd been caring for her most
of the day.  Anna smiled as the woman hurried past.  Eileen.  One of
the three people Anna knew by name in the whole world.  The other

two were the doctors who'd visited her that day.  Ready to climb the
walls, instead of walking calmly beside them, she returned to her room
and slipped back into bed, deciding it was more comfortable than the
chair by the window.  She knew, because shed spent more time than she
cared to think about in the chair that aftemcon staring out into the
summer sunshine, hoping to see someone or something she recognized, and
then shed remember.

There was no reason for her to remain in the hospital taking up a bed
someone else might need.  Physically she felt fine.  Amazingly
unaffected by the crash, considering the fact that she was two months
pregnant.

But if she left the hospital, where would she go?  How would she get
there?  What would she do once she arrived?  Where would she get the
money to survive?  Especially if the city hadn't settled with the
accident victims yet?

She started to shake when she came up with no answers.  Because she had
to do something.  She could hardly raise her baby in a hospital room.

Nervously she reached for the chain around her neck, pulling the locket
out from beneath her hospital gown.  She'd kept the locket on all day
because it had her name on the inside, but she didn't like wearing it.
Though it appeared to be good quality gold, it had a very odd shape.
Reaching up, she un-clasped the chain, pulling it from around her neck,
and suddenly felt better than she had in hours.  Freer.  She could no
more explain the odd sensation than

she could say who'd fathered her child, but she decided to leave the
chain off.

She lay back against the mound of pillows, the locket clutched in her
fist.  She was going to have to find someplace safe to keep it.  As
much as she.  didn't want to wear it, she couldn't bear the thought of
losing it.

Men's voices could be heard just down the hall, and Anna sat up
straighter in anticipation.  Dr..  Gordon.  When you only knew three
people in the world, it was an 'event to see one of them.  And if
anyone could make this feeling of panic go away, Dr.  Gordon could.

They came into the room together, Dr.  Gordon and an incredibly
handsome man.  He was tall, well over six feet, with thick blond hair
and blue, blue eyes.  She could tell because they were trained right on
her.  As Dr.  Gordon came forward, the stranger's eyes never left Anna,
never even glanced around the room.  A part of her was aware that she
should be uncomfortable, may he even offended by that piercing stare,
but instead, all she wanted to do was stare right back.  Her heart sped
up in excitement.  "Anna, I've brought someone to meet you," Dr.
Gordon said, ushering the stranger forward.  "This is Jason Whitaker, a
longtime friend of your family."

Her heart continued its rapid beat, but now it was in fear.  She didn't
recognize him at all Her gaze flew to Dr.  Gordon as her mind tumbled
over itself, searching frantically for something that just wasn't
there.  Even faced with proof of her former existence,

she couldn't recall any of it.  Was this it, then?  Was she trapped in
this terrifying void forever?

"Hello, Anna."  Her head jerked toward the stranger as he spoke.  He
had a wonderful voice.  Just not one shed ever heard before.

"Hello."  She tried to act normally, but she could hear the panic in
her voice.

"Anna--" Dr.  Gordon started.

"It's okay, Anna," the man called Jason Whitaker interrupted.  "Just
try to relax,"

And strangely, although he didn't sound the least bit relaxed himself,
his words had some effect.  The bands around her chest loosened enough
for her to speak.

"But I don't know you," she said, staring at him, at his face, at his
broad-shouldered physique.  She'd never seen the man before in her
life.

Her words hit him hard.  Not only did he flinch, but she saw the quick
flash of anguish in his eyes before he quickly recovered.  "It's okay,
honey," he said.  "Dr.  Gordon warned us this might happen."

He smiled at her and there was no doubt that that, at least, was
genuine.

Suddenly the ramifications of the man's presence hit her and she sat
straight up.  "Us?"  she asked.  Dr.  Gordon had introduced him as a
friend of the family.  Which meant she had a family.  She clutched that
one small piece of information for all she was worth.

"Who am I?  Where are they?"  she cried, looking around.

Jason glanced at the doctor and Anna's gaze followed.  led with a
sense of foreboding, she watched as the men came forward and flanked
her bed.  Jason reached for her hand, but pulled back before he made
contact.  She couldn't believe how much shed wanted him to touch her.

"What is it?  What's wrong?"  she asked.  Was her family dead?  Had
they been in the crash with her?

"You have a sister and parents living in Oxnard, California," Dr.
Gordon finally said slowly.

A sister.  Parents.  The relief was so great it left her light-headed.
She wasn't alone.

"Do they know ... about me?"  she asked.  Were they on their way to see
her?  Take her home?

The doctor nodded.  "Your sister does," he said.  "Your parents are
traveling in Europe and your sister's still trying to reach them."

A sister.  Anna smiled.  She was really glad to have a sister, someone
she assumed would know her like no one else in the world could. Someone
she could trust.

"What's her name?"  she asked, looking from 'one man to the other.

"Abby."  Jason's voice was odd, but Anna was too overwhelmed to do more
than notice.

"Abby," she said, testing the name, liking it.  The usual lack of
familiarity didn't scare her as much now o

"Is she coming here to get me?"  she asked, somehow knowing that if
this Abby were there, everything else would be okay.

"That's up to you, Anna," Dr.  Gordon told her, his face, as usual, a
study in kindness.

Anna frowned.  "Of course I want her here."  Her sister would be able
to fill in all the gaps in her life, wouldn't she?  Abby could simply
tell her everything she couldn't remember, until her mind was as full
as if shed never lost her memory.

Abby would know who'd fathered her child.  The two men looked at each
other, and watching the silent exchange, Anna could see exactly when
Jason Whitaker abdicated to Dr.  Gordon, leaving the doctor to explain
whatever they were hiding from her.  What was going on here?

And then it hit her.  Horrifyingly, embarrassingly.  Was Jason Whitaker
the father of her child?  Was that why he was here?  .

"Did I sleep with you two months ago?"  Anna blurted, in spite of the
blush she could feel creeping up her throat and face.  She was beyond.
manners.  if Dr.  Gordon and Jason knew something about her, she had to
know, too.

Still suffering from acute embarrassment, still hardly comprehending
what it might mean to have Jason Whitaker so intimately entangled in
her life, crushing disappointment tore through her as he shook his
head.

"I haven't seen YOu since I moved to New York three months ago," he
said.  He sounded sad, and she hated that he must pity her.

"I didn't even know you were in New York."  He twisted the knife
further.

Anna nodded.  Her limited experience left her no clue what to say.  How
to handle such awkwardness was beyond her.

"You're in New York on a self-imposed sabbatical, Anna."  Dr.  Gordon
freed her from the horrible moment.

"According to your sister," he continued, "you left home two months ago
saying that you wanted to have a year apart from your family, that you
needed to prove you could make it on your own.  You demanded your
family promise not to contact YOu for any reason during that year."

"Two months ago."?"  Anna asked.  Right about the time she got
pregnant--or right before.

Both men nodded.  "No one's heard from you since," Jason said.

""Did you tell my sister, uh, Abby, about my baby?"  Her eyes were
pinned firmly on the doctor as she asked the question.  She couldn't
even look at Jason.  Whitaker.

The doctor nodded again.  "I did."

"Does she know who the father is?"  Anna whispered.  She had to know
whose baby was growing inside her.  She had to see the man, find out
what part he was going to play in her life, in his child's life.

Tears flooded her eyes when the doctor shook his head.  She was falling
apart and she couldn't help it.  A victim of the confusing and volatile
emotions swarming around inside her, she had no memory of how to cope
with them.  She was losing it.

The touch of Jason Whitaker's hand distracted her.  "We wouldn't tell
you, Anna, even if we knew," he said, his gaze full of something warm

and powerful that she didn't understand, but that made her want to
trust him.

"Do you know?"  she asked, tears running slowly down her face.  The
irony of her situation hadn't escaped her.  She'd left home to find
herself and, instead, had lost all recollection of herself completely.
"No."

"Tve told both Jason and Abby that I believe it would be harmful to
fill you in on your past, Anna."  Dr.  Gordon broke the silence that
had fallen.  "Your mind is hiding from something, and until your
subconscious feels you're ready to cope with it, any attempt to force
you to shoulder it could result in permanent memory loss."

"Oh."  She wiped her tears with her free hand.  Her head was hurting
again.

"Amnesia is a gray area, Anna.  Each case is different.  And While some
doctors would probably tell you that to be informed of your past might
be for the best, I believe such a move is potentially dangerous."

"Dangerous," she repeated, and felt Jason squeeze her hand more
tightly.

Dr.  Gordon nodded and continued to gaze kindly down at her.  "But I
also believe, as do the associates I've conferred with, that when
you're ready, you'll remember everything."

"But how long will that take?"  she cried.  Couldn't they understand
she didn't have the time to just sit around and wait?  She had to get
on with her life--whatever it was

The doctor shrugged.  "That's entirely up to you, Anna."

"And what if I say I want to be told, anyway?  In spite of the risk?"

"Then we'll tell you," Jason said immediately.  "But according to Dr.
Gordon, even if the information doesn't cause permanent memory loss,
you won't know later if you're remembering things because you truly
recall them, or only because you're remembering what we've told you."

"Keep in mind," Dr.  Gordon added, "that neither your family nor Jason
know anything about the occurrences of the past two months of your
life."

Anna's gaze moved sharply between the two men, although she continued
to cling to Jason's hand.  "You think what my mind can't cope with is
something that happened since I left home?"

"Possibly," the doctor answered.  "It's more likely a combination of
things."

Anna thought shed experienced every kind of fear imaginable over the
past hours, but nothing compared to the dread freezing her now as she
contemplated doing anything that could impair her Complete recovery.
Nor was she honestly sure she wanted to know--at least not yetmwhat
possible horrors had led her to this place, this time.  And perhaps
this pregnancy?

Pulling her hand from Jason's, she asked the doctor, "Do you think I
was raped?"

She almost started to cry again, with relief this time, when he shook
his head.  "Apart from the bruises you suffered in the crash, there's
no physical

or psychological evidence of abuse," he said.  "No old contusions, no
neurotic fears when people get close to you, touch you."

"But if I don't remember anything, why would I act afraid?"

"You don't remember experiences, Anna, but fear for your physical
safety is a conditioned response.  In cases like yours, that's usually
not something the patient loses."

"Okay."  She needed to believe the doctor, to trust him, to trust
someone.  "Say we do it your way--no one tells me anything.  What
happens next?"

His brows raised, the doctor looked at Jason, who nodded.  "Your sister
has put Jason in charge of that," Dr.  Gordon said.  "And I'll he back
to see you in the morning.  If you're satisfied with what Jason has to
offer, I'll release you then."

"Thank you," Anna murmured, watching as the doctor turned and left the
room.  She continued to stare at the empty doorway until shed worked up
the courage to look at the man still looming over one side of the
bed.

He wasn't watching the door.  He was staring straight at her, and the
longing she thought she glimpsed in his eyes before he quickly shadowed
them made her feel incredibly sad, though she had no idea why.

"You're sure you're just a friend of the family?"  she whispered,
frustrated to the point of despair that she couldn't remember, that she
had nothing to call

upon to tell her the reason for his lost look--or her reaction to
it.

"Positive," he said.

"And you really didn't sleep with me two months ago?"

He shook his head.  "I wish I could tell you I had, Anna," he said with
such finality she knew he spoke the truth.

Knew, too, inexplicably, that she wished his answer was different.

CHAPTER FOUR

"You wtuwr M to come live with you?"  Though Jason still stood beside
her bed, Anna couldn't look at him, couldn't meet his eyes.  Not
because she was embarrassed by what he had in mind.  She'd be an idiot
to think that this gorgeous man could possibly have any sexual interest
in a pregnant, currently demented family friend.  He was taking pity on
her, nothing more.  No, what embarrassed her was her own reaction to
his offer.

She wanted to go with him.  She suddenly felt exposed, naked,
vulnerable.  She, who hated being a burden, who went out of her way not
to bother anyone, wanted to saddle this man with an unexpected and very
troubled houseguest "Oh!"  she said suddenly, frantically retracing the
pattern of her thoughts.

"What?"  Jason leaned down.  "What is it?  Does your head hurt?"  His
worried gaze traveled over her.  "Or... ?"

"No!  I..."  How could she explain without sounding completely stupid?
But looking into his eyes, how could she not?  "I just had a thought,
that's all.  I knew something about myself.  Really knew,"

"You remembered something?"

She shrugged.  Thinking back, she couldn't be sure how solid the
feeling had been, was afraid to analyze it, afraid to dig too deeply,
afraid shed lose that little glimpse that was all she knew about
herself.  She was also afraid to test his reaction to her discovery.
How well did he know her?  Well enough to know she hadn't been overly
concerned with being a bother in her other life?  That these feelings
were new, brought on by this horrendous situation?  Not a part of her
lost self at all?

"Whatever it was, it's gone," she said disappointedly, already
convinced that her great self-discovery had been no discovery at all,
but merely a reaction to her current circumstances.  How could she
possibly know whether or not shed been a burden in someone's life when
she didn't even know if shed been in someone's life?

"It's okay, Anna."  Jason sounded encouraging.  "It's still a good
sign.  The doctor said things will probably come back only a little at
a time."

She nodded, but it wasn't okay at all.  He was suddenly too large,
cramping her with his size, his broad determined shoulders blocking the
door from her view, his optimism hanging over the room, pressing down
on her, until her chest felt so tight it hurt to breathe.  It took
everything she had just to hold herself together.  Optimism was beyond
her.

Was this how it was to be?  Was she to go through life looking for
things that didn't exist, reading more into every situation because she
so desperately wanted more to be there?

"My place is in Chelsea.  It's fairly large for being

in the city," Jason continued as though the last moments had never
happened.  "There's a loft bedroom, and a bedroom downstairs, as
well."

Anna's gaze followed his back as he moved to the window and gazed out
into the night.  There must be a woman someplace who wouldn't like a
stranger moving into his home.  No one as charming, as handsome as he
was, would be living his life alone.

"You're welcome to stay as long as you like," he added.

He was being so nice.  And without a dime to her name at the moment or
anything else, for that matter, she had almost no immediate options.
Still, she wasn't sure she could take him up on his offer,

mostly because she wanted to so badly.

"You live alone?"

His shoulders stiffened, not markedly, but knowing nothing about him,
about herself, her senses were acute to every nuance in her small
world.

"Yes," he said, his voice as captivating as ever, no sign of the
tension shed witnessed or thought shed witnessed.  "But you'll be
perfectly safe.  Your sister can vouch for me."

Funny, shed never even considered her safety, although she supposed she
should have.  She was contemplating putting herself into this man's
hands.  Did she trust him so instinctively?  Or had she just lost her
common sense, along with her memories?

And what about her sister?  Wouldn't she take her in?  Would it really
hurt to go back home to heal?

"Tell me something about Abby," Anna pleaded.  "Anything."  She'd
agreed not to probe, but the

blankness was more frightening than she could stand.

Jason spun around, "You've changed your mind, then?  You want to go
against the doctor's advice?"  There was no condemnation in his voice,
but there was urgency.

Anna shook her head.  "I just need something a little more tangible
than a name.  Something to hold on to."  She felt ridiculous pouring
her guts out to a perfect stranger, and yet she couldn't stop herself.
Because he was easy to talk to, or because she was just so damn needy,
she didn't know.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he watched her silently.  Anna
could almost see the thoughts running through his mind, see him
discarding one after another.  She waited for him to find something he
could share until she was ready to scream.  Every thought he was
discarding was something she desperately wanted to know.

"Is she close to me in age?"  she finally blurted.  Or was this phantom
sister a mere baby?  Someone too far removed from her in years to be
truly close.  He deliberated for a couple of seconds.  "Yes."  "Older
or younger?"

Another hesitation.  And then, "Older."

Anna laid her head back against the raised mattress behind her.  She
was glad she harlan older sister.  The thought was comforting.

"Do you really believe that whatever I'm running from--" she flipped
her hand up toward her recalcitrant brain "--is back in California?
That to go

back, to possibly force memories I'm apparently not ready to face,
could do permanent damage?"

"I do."

And he knew things she didn't know.  Suddenly the thought of California
frightened her--and yet, at the same time, called out to her.

"Would you like to speak to Abby?"  Jason asked, indicating the phone
on the nightstand beside her bed.  "We can call her."

Turning, Anna glanced at the phone.  Willing it to tell her what she
should do.

"Is she home?"  she whispered.  Never had she been so tempted--at
least, she didn't think she had.  Just to hear her sister would be
bliss.  To have a voice on the other end of the line belong to her.
Still, she couldn't forget the sabbatical shed apparently taken from
her family.  Couldn't help but wonder why.

"She's home," Jason said, maintaining his position by the window.
"Waiting to hear how you

Anna wondered what he thought she ought to do, but was reluctant to
ask.  He was leaving this completely up to her.  Just as he should. So,
had she and Abby had a fight?  Was there a rift in their family? Had
she, Anna, caused it?  She didn't feel like the kind of person who
would throw a tantrum or leave town in a huff, but then, she could
hardly claim to know herself.

"She's waiting for me to call?"  she asked.  "Or me."

Anna studied his face, looking for a sign, any thing that would help
her, His expression remained blank.  Kind, but impassive.

"Do you think there was a valid reason for my going away?"  How could
she possibly know what to do when she had nothing to base a decision
on?

"You weren't irresponsible, Anna," he said slowly, as though choosing
his words carefully.  "I

fully believe that you thought things through and felt you had to
leave."

"Do you know the reason?"  She was being unfair, asking him for
information that, were he to give it, could very well harm her
permanemly, but she couldn't help herself.

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

Yes.  Not She wanted to get well.

"I'm not asking you to tell me the reason, Jason," she said, her voice
stronger than it had been all day.  "But give me a break here.  I have
no idea whether I'm apt to dream things up or to see clearly.  Was my
reasoning generally sound, or was it cock-eyed?"

"Your reasoning was always sound."

His words were reassuring, but it was the steady look in his eyes, the
way he spoke to her without words, that calmed the panic rising inside
her.

She nodded, holding that gaze for another couple of seconds.

"Then i'm just going to have to trust myself, huh?"  she finally said,
trying for a grin and missing.  "Until I know why I demanded no contact
with my family, I'm going to abide by my wishes."

Jason nodded, saying nothing, but Anna could tell

he was pleased.  Satisfied shed crossed one small hurdle successfully,
she turned her thoughts to more immediate decisions. Like where did she
go when the doctor released her tomorrow?  With nothing to her name,
not even a shirt on her back, her options were nil.

"I must have a Place somewhere."  She hadn't meant to voice the
thought.

"If you do, we'll find it," Jason said.  "I have most mornings free,
and a bit of investigative skill left over from my reporter days.
Finding your place'll be a piece of cake."

"And a job.  Surely I was working."

"As soon as we find out where you were living, we'll be able to ask
your landlord where you work.  Or your neighbors.  You may even have a
check stub lying around somewhere."

There was that damned optimism again.  But this time she welcomed it.
She needed his encouragement.  And he said he had investigative skills,
too.

"What do you do?"  she asked, suddenly realizing how little she knew
about him.

He blinked, opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again.  "I'm a
newscaster," he finally said,

still holding guard at the window.

"I knew that, didn't I?"

He nodded.  And it hit her then how hard this had to be for him.  How
awkward and uncomfortable she must be making him' feel.  To he looking
at a friend and yet speaking with a stranger.  A stranger he was
determined to help whether she agreed to his plan or not.  And he was
acting as though there was nothing to it, as if she hadn't already
taken up more of his time than she had any right to, as if he, a busy
newscaster, didn't have a million other things he could be doing. Would
rather be doing.  She made up her mind then and there to make this
whole ordeal as easy on her benefactor as she could.

"This is really what you want--for me to come home with you?"

He crossed his arms over his chest.  "Yes."

"And you honestly don't mind me camping out at your place until I find
my own?"

"Nope."  He stood still as a statue, waiting.

She wanted to ask once more if he was sure she wasn't going to be any
trouble, but she didn't.  Of course she was going to be trouble.  She
was going to be a complete nuisance for a day or two.  She'd just have
to make sure that it was only a day or two.  Forty-eight hours to find
her life.  It would have to be enough.

"Then, thank you.  I accept."

Jason glanced at his watch.  "Okay, then, I've got to go," he said,
moving toward the door almost as if, now that he had her acquiescence,
he suddenly couldn't get away fast enough.  "I'm on the air in half an
hour.  But I'll be back around ten in the morning."

Struck with sudden irrational fear as he departed, Anna lay perfectly
still and closed her eyes.  She might not remember anything, but at
least she knew who she was now.  And she wasn't all alone.  She opened
her eyes to stare at the telephone.  She could always call the sister
shed left behind if she had to.

"Anna?"  Jason's blond head appeared again around her open door.

With her stomach flip-flopping at the sound of his voice after shed
thought him gone, she met his gaze.

He pulled a card out of his jacket pocket and walked over to drop it on
the nightstand.  "That's my number," he said, backing slowly toward the
door again.  "ff you need anything, call."  A couple of more steps and
he'd be history.  "Anytime.  I'm a light sleeper."

Her throat felt thick.  "Thanks," she said, trying to smile without
letting the tears fall.

Now he wa sat the door, standing there poised to leave, and yet, still
there.  She withstood his perusal, holding his gaze.

"It's good to see you again," he said finally.  And then he was gone.

Her taut body relaxed back against the mattress, a tiny smile
contrasting with the tears that dripped down her face as she reached
for the television remote control.  She just had to wait thirty minutes
and he'd be there on her screen.

HE MADE lT to the station in time to change into his jacket.  Barely.
And he made it through the show, as well.  Though not with his usual
style.  The natural repartee for which he'd become known wasn't
flowing, his mind not on what he was saying but on the woman lying
alone and frightened in a hospital bed across town.

"You feeling okay?"  his co-anchor, Sunny Law son, asked as soon as
the On the Air light clicked off.

"Fine," he lied.  He didn't need her attentions tonight.

She pouted her lovely lips at his curtness, her flir-tatioushess as
natural as her beauty.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."  Clearing his papers, Jason stood up, hoping to leave the
set without hurting Sunny's feelings.  She'd been a good friend during
the months he'd been in town.  He just wasn't fit company tonight.

Walking beside him, her heels clicking on the cement floor in front of
their set, she suggested, "How 'bout a drink?"  She linked her arm
through his.  "You can tell me all about it."

The offer was nothing new.  He and Sunny often had a bite between shows
or a drink afterward.  "Not tonight," he said impatiently, realizing he
should have suggested a rain check.

"Jason?"  She stopped, hauling him to a standstill beside her.  "You
mad at me or the world in general?"  she asked, frowning.

He opened his mouth to tell her about Anna.  But the words didn't come.
He didn't want to talk about Anna.  Not yet.  Not while he still felt
so raw.

Leaning over, he planted a friendly kiss on Sunny's full lips.  "I'm
not angry.  Just tired," he said, feeling a twinge of guilt as he
kissed her again just to shut her up.

His guilt increased as the kiss worked.  She smiled

at him.  "You should have left when I did last night, instead of
staying for one more," she said.

"I know," he acknowledged.  "Which is why I'm leaving tonight.  Right
now."

"Well, get some sleep, friend," she said, chuckling.  "Your disposition
could use some improvement.  '

"I'll be asleep the second I get home," be assured her, leaving her at
her dressing-room door, feelings intact.

FI CAroLeD ABBY the second he got in.  It was after midnight in New
York, but only nine-thirty at the beach house in California.

"How is she?"  Abby said in lieu of hello.  "Fine."  He shrugged out of
his sport coat and tossed it on the back of a kitchen chair.  "Good.
Really," he added as Abby's silence hung on the line.  "Considering."

"You've seen her?"

Abby was crying and trying to hide it.  He ached for her.  For all of
them.

"Yeah.  She looked good, Ab, really."

"She looked the same?"  Abby asked.

"Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but she was as beautiful as
ever."  Which was an understatement.  To his starved eyes shed been a
vision, stealing the breath from his lungs.

"So what'd she say?  Was--" Abby took a shaky breath "--was she
crying?"  Then Abby lost her own battle with tears completely.

la son swallowed, hating the helplessness he felt,

his inability to make everything right for them.

"She cried a little."  He rubbed the back of his neck.  "She's
confused, Ab, frightened," he admitted.  "But she's strong, too.  In a
way I've never really seen before."  He took a breath and plunged
ahead.  "She's coming home with me tomorrow.  She's going to stay at my
place until we can find out where she lives, where she works."

Abby digested that in silence, and Jason knew she was drawing the right
conclusions--just as he'd meant her to.  Anna had decided not to go
home.  "I didn't think shed stay in New York."

"I know."  Jason hadn't been sure, either, that Anna would be strong
enough to fight the temptation to run to Abby.  Whether she remembered
home or not, some habits were just too ingrained to break.  He'd seen
Anna looking at the telephone, had felt her teetering with indecision.
But shed refused to call.  That was when he'd known he was in for the
long haul.

Silence once again stood between Abby and him.  Silent accusation,
silent concession, silent relief.

"You told her about me?"  Abby finally asked.  "Of course."  It
bothered him she even had to ask, that things had become so strained
between them shed wonder such a thing.  "Although Dr.  Gordon advised
against telling her you're triplets."

"I know."  She sighed.  "And as much as I hate it, I think he's
right."

"I think so, too, Ab," he told her.  "And who knows, it might only be
for a few days.  The doctor said her memory could start coming back
anytime."

He didn't tell Abby about the brief flash Anna !  had earlier that
evening; he didn't want to get hopes up, having her waiting for
breakthroughs the hour.  Especially since this one had gone quickly as
it had come.

"I got hold of Morn and Dad."  The words w too casual.  "They're in
France now," "And?"

"They were horrified' of course, but calmed ri.

down when I told them you were with her."  "Are they coming home?"

"Not just yet."  The words were almost defensi "They're thinking about
investing in some peffu company, already have meetings scheduled for n,
week," she explained in a rush.  "I told them th wasn't any real
danger.  And it's not like we can ', her."  '

No.  But they could have come home for Abb sake.  Their eldest daughter
was all alone, cot flus hurting.

"Did you tell them about the pregnancy?"  No."

Some things never changed.  The elder Hayd sailed through life focused
only on themselves a left Abby to bear the burdens.

"Anna was thrilled to know she had a sister," said when Abby was silent
for too long.  "^ though shed already made the decision to abide Dr.
Gordon's advice, you should have heard] pumping me for itflormafion
about you."

AbbY chuckled through her tears.  "She was ways the smartest one of
us."

From his tenth-floor window Jason looked out over the flickering
lights of New York, wondering if one of the lights was Anna's, if she
was sleeping.  "Don't sell yourself short, Abby," he said.  "You did a
damn fine job holding the three of you together all these years."
There.  It was three months overdue, but it needed to be said.

"Yeah, fight," she snorted.  "Damn fine.  That's why we're all living
happily ever after."

The bitterness in her voice worried him.  "You can't control fate, Ab,"
he told her sternly.

"That's not what you, said three months ago," she reminded him.  "I
remember quite clearly you telling me I control everything."

He hadn't put it'so nicely.  "I'm sorry, Abby."

"I know," she said, her voice softer, more like the Abby he knew.  "Me,
too."

There was more Jason needed to say, but he'd be damned if he could come
up with any words.  Glib, smooth-tongued, always-know-what-to-say
Whitaker was fresh out.

"The doctor said Anna came in with no ID on her except her locket,"
Abby said, rescuing him.

"Apparently her purse and whatever else she had with her was either
destroyed in the crash or stolen during the mayhem that followed."

"That means she won't have her health-insurance card.  '

Right.  Good.  Something practical to think about.  Jason grabbed a
pencil, repeating the information Abby Was reading to him from the
health-insurance policy the triplets had through their shop.

"She's probably not going to need this," he's the phone held to his
ear with his shoulder as wrote.  "The city's liability insurance will
cove her medical expensesmand probably a lot more."  accident was so
clearly the fault of a system's gineermhe was in the wrong place at the
time--that there's already talk of settlements."

And then another thought struck him.  about her pregnancy?"  he asked.
He was doing damnedest not to think about that part of Anna's at all.
But shed need to know.  "Will-the sh4 insurance cover that?"

"Yes."  And that quickly, the tension was "So ... how are you doing?"
Abby's voice was

"Fine," Jason lied.  His insides felt ripped al but that was his own
business.

"You'll keep in touch?"

"Of course."  He should really turn on lights.  Except that he
preferred the darkness.

"Jason?"

Grunting a reply, he rang off, stripped to his and dropped to the
hardwood floor, doing as n pushups as his fired body would allow. Forty
Fifty Getting involved with Anna again was's stupidity.  One hundred.
It was nothing short ol nacy.  One hundred fifty.  It was masochism.
hundred.  Suicide.

But he'd loved her once.  Had actually, for the time in his life,
believed himself loved.  And meant you cared even when it hurt.  It
meant pm

someone else's needs above your own.  It meant loyalty and
reliability.  It meant all the things he'd always wanted but never
known.  It meant everything that was most important to him.

Rolling over, he lifted his legs an inch off the ground and crunched
forward, pressing his lower back into the floor.  One, two, three ...
fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three... Though he wouldn't have thought it
possible, he'd underestimated how much he'd missed her.  He'd also
thought he'd suffered as hellishly as any one person could and still
function, until shed turned those big brown eyes on him--and hadn't
known him from Adam.

One hundred twenty-one, one hundred twenty-two.  She didn't knOW shed
sent him out of her life.

Jason spent the next hour moving his things to the downstairs bedroom.
Whether she remembered growing up by the ocean or not, Anna would crave
the openness of the left just as he did, and he wanted her as
comfortable as he could make her.  Besides, he'd sleep better knowing
she couldn't slip out without him knowing.  His bedroom door was right
at the bottom of the stairs.

Not that he thought for a second that Anna would run out on him.  Or
that she wouldn't he leaving just as soon as she was able.  But old
habits died hard.  He couldn't stop people from leaving him.  It was a
fact of life--at least of his life.  But he was damn well going to
watch them go.  He'd learned a long time ago that goodbye didn't hurt
quite so badly when he knew it was coming.

It was when he cleared the Iast load of his clothes

out of the closet that he saw the box he'd known was waiting there.
Still taped up from the move from California, the small cardboard
carton had one word scrawled across the top in black magic marker.
Anna.  Jason ripped it open.  He'd found a few of her things at his
condo when he'd packed up so hurriedly to leave for New York.  He
hadn't been in any kind of mood to return them to her, to see her
again.  But he hadn't been able to toss them away, either.  So like a
fool, he'd thrown them in a box and carted them across the country with
him.

A couple of pairs of silky bikini underwear.  His body hardened
immediately as he pictured her roaming around his condo back in
California in them--and nothing else.  Making them both breakfast or a
midnight snack.  Always fresh from lovemaking.

A long black spaghetti-strap nightgown he'd bought for her, but shed
never worn.  Not because she hadn't liked it, but because once he got
her to his place, he never gave her time to put it on.

And a couple of the loose-fitting, earth-toned dresses she wore almost
every day of her life.  Gar-menCs that would have looked drab on most
women, but flowed lovingly around Anna's curves, giving her an air of
womanly grace.

Jason smiled, remembering the first time he'd seen Anna standing on the
street outside her shop in Oxnard, the wind whipping a dress just like
one of these up around her hips while shed laughingly tried to preserve
some dignity.  He hadn't had a hope in hell of escaping her allure.
He'd been turned on

then, as he pretended not to notice her gorgeous thighs, and ever
since.  Of course later, when he'd known she wore nothing under her
dresses but silky bikini briefs, the damn garments had driven him
crazy.

He was going to have to iron at least one of them.  Three months in a
box hadn't done them any favors.  Both dresses had tints of mauve in
them as did most of Anna's things.  She'd told him once that she loved
the shade because of its softness, its ability to meld with other
colors without causing a stir.  Only Jason had seen the fire hidden in
her favorite hue.

After ironing and then showering, he finally lay down in his newly made
bed sometime around three.  And although he'd been up more than fifteen
hours and was both mentally' and physically exhausted, he still didn't
sleep.  In less than eight hours Anna was going to be here.  In his
home.  With him.  Just where he'd refused to allow himself to picture
her for three torturous months.

And then shed be leaving.  Because while he'd been spending his nights
trying not to remember her in his bed, shed been in bed with someone
else.

He'd deal with it.  Anna wasn't his anymore.  It was over.  She'd told
him so more than three months ago.  He was a little slow, but he was
getting it.  Finally.  She was just an old friend in need.  He could
handle this.  No problem.

No problem to give her this chance to find out for herself who she
really was.  Anna Hayden.  One person.  Not Audrey, Anna and Abby.

All of this would be worth the effort if Anna discovered she could be
Anna alone, not Anna, third of a whole---working a job she didn't love
a sister she did.  Living a life that was content, couldn't include the
frightening, exhilarating e: rience of being completely, totally, in
love.  Coul include commitment to anyone but the other thirds.  Anna,
one-third of a whole, believing in sister's opinion as much or more
than she beli in her own.  Believing that her strength and Ab was to be
found only in tir togetherness.

Anna, one-third of a whole, and never n happy.

CHAPTER FIVE

SHE WAS CK)IN(3 TO BE horribly embarrassed.  She'd called the nurse, a
new one since yesterday, and that harried woman had assured Anna that
shed see about getting her something to wear.  But it was almost ten
o'clock.  Jason Whitaker was due to arrive momentarily, and Anna still
had nothing on but a very short, very thin hospital gown with a slit
all the way down the back.  And her hair was still dirty.  The hospital
had been without hot water for most of the morning.

She considered calling the nurse one more time, but hated to be a
bother.  The woman was obviously busy taking care of people who really
needed her.  Sick people who were suffering.  People who couldn't care
for themselves.  Anna felt like a fraud for even considering taking up
the woman's time.

Of course the alternatives weren't much better.  Either leave the
hospital wrapped in a robe, assuming they'd let her borrow one, or ask
Jason to go out and buy her some clothes with money she didn't have,
and then come back and get her.

Or she could ask the doctor to delay her release for one more day, call
her sister and have Abby wire

her some money.  Better yet, have Abby send her a plane ticket home.

Home.  She closed her eyes, willing something, anything, to appear in
the blankness---a picture, a feeling.  A memory.  But try as she might,
she couldn't raise a single image of the place where shed grown up, or
the people shed known.  Knew only that she didn't want to go there now.
Not until she remembered why shed left.

What she wanted to do was see Jason Whitaker.  She wanted him to help
her find her life.  She wanted to get to know him again, this family
friend who'd come to rescue her.  Though shed awoken this morning with
the now familiar emptiness, the horror of living with a mind that had
let her down, shed also felt a flicker of anticipation.  Simply because
she was going to see Jason Whitaker again.

And therein lay her biggest fear of all.

Because she was Scared to death he wasn't going to come get her.
Surely, with time to consider the commitment he'd made, he'd change his
mind.  Any sensible person would.  She could hardly blame him for not
wanting to saddle himself with a crazy woman who also happened to be
homeless, temporarily penniless, pregnant and who had absolutely no
recollection of the father of her baby.

Jason had no way of knowing that his presence was the only thing that
had made her feel safe since shed opened her eyes the day before to a
waking nightmare.  That she was holding on to his offer to help her
with every fiber of her being.  That he made her believe she really
could get her life back together that somehow shed find a way to be a
mother to the child she knew she carried, but had yet to feel.

He owed her nothing.  She hadn't even done him the courtesy of
remembering him.  Had no idea how close a family friend he was.  He'd
be a fool to come back.  And if he didn't... She'd been fighting her
fears all morning, trying to.  concentrate on the mundane tasks
necessary to prepare herself to go out in public, tracking down a
toothbrush, washing her face, contemplating her nonexistent wardrobe.
But as ten o'clock drew nearer, she could no longer keep her panic at
bay.

He wasn't going to come.  How COuld she possibly expect him to come?
The walls started to close in on her.  She was going to have to go back
to California-without any idea what kind of a minefield shed be walking
into.  Or maybe, worse yet, everyone would keep her reason for leaving
a secret forever, treat her like some kind of invalid.  What if they
coddled her o much shed never again have a life of her own, never be
able to take care of herself, let alone be a good mother to her baby?
She'd rather die fir sC

"Hey, sunshine, you ready to blow this joint?"  Jason's cheerful voice
put an end to her frantic soul searching.

Tongue-tied, Anna stared at him as he came through her door.  He'd come
back.  And this morning, in form-fitting faded jeans and a polo shirt,
he looked so classically gorgeously male he took her breath away.

When she didn't speak, he frowned, coming closer.  "What's wrong?"  he
asked.  He set a bag she hadn't even noticed he'd been carrying on the
end of her bed.

"Nothing," she said, hot color spreading up her neck.  How could she
possibly ask this man to go buy her some underwear?  She pulled the
sheet up to her chin.  "I, uh, have a small problem."  "Something we
can fix, I hope?"

His warm blue eyes met her gaze directly, full of friendliness--and
something more.  Something she couldn't define or understand.

She couldn't do it.  She just couldn't ask him for panties.

He picked up the paper bag he'd dropped on the end of the bed and
tossed it onto her lap.  "Tell you what," he said, backing toward the
door.  "I'll go get some coffee from the machine I saw down the hall
while you get ready, and then we'll talk.  Okay?"

He smiled, sending shivers all the way down to her toes, and she merely
nodded.  If there weren't clothes in this bag, she was going to crawl
under the covers and never come out.  And if there were, then he was
the most amazing... He was a good friend.  That was what he was.  All
he could ever be.  Period.  And she needed to get that straight right
now.  No matter how attractive she may find him, no matter how
thoughtful and warm and kind, no matter how attached to him she was
growing already, she was pregnant with another man's baby.

As soon as he was out the door, she ripped into

the bag.  Clothes.  Thank God!  Pulling them out of the bag as she
climbed from the bed, she hurried into the bathroom.  She was at least
going to have the armor of decent covering the next time she came
face-to-face with Jason Whitaker.

She liked his taste in clothes.  The dress was loose and flowing, and
the soft cotton felt good against her skin.  As did the silky panties
she found folded up inside the dress.

Blushing from head to toe, she slipped them on beneath the dress,
chastising herself for thinking of the man who'd brought them as she
slid them up her thighs.  She might as well commit herself to tile
loony bin if she was going to start having romantic thoughts about her
benefactor.  Not only would it be sheer stupidity to think that Jason
could ever be at-tractedto her, lunacy to read anything personal into
his friendly gestures, it was also impossible to involve herself with
anyone at this point in her life.

Somewhere in the world there lived a man with whom shed quite recently
been intimate.  A man she hoped to God she loved, since she had his
baby growing in her womb.  A man who, if she saw him, may just attract
her more than Jason Whitaker did.  It was this crazy situation, that
was all.  Jason was the knight saving the damsel in distress.  And he
was the only attractive man she could ever remember seeing.  Her strong
reaction to him was because of the situation.  It had to be.

And then it hit her, There'd been no tags on the clothes she was
wearing.  The underwear, in fact, while fresh and clean, was faded. She
couldn't help

wondering whom they belonged to or how well Jason knew the woman.  And
couldn't seem to help the sick jealousy that attacked her as she
answered her own question.

Swearing at herself, she yanked the band from her hair're securing the
ponytail with more force than necessary.  One thing she knew for sure,
she needed to find her own place--damn quickly.  Had to get out into
the world, meet so many people that rather than being the sole
individual in her life, Jason Whitaker was merely one of a crowd.  A
huge crowd.

She was starting to obsess about him and was at least rational enough
to recognize the very real danger in allowing herself to need him too
much.  He was making it so easy for her to rely on him for everything.
But he was going to be gone from her life in just a day or two, back to
his own life, his own woman, and she had to be able to stand by herself
when he left.  For her baby's sake and for her own.  She couldn't
afford another problem.

Her resolution to get away from him lasted right up until he came
walking back into her room five minutes later.  He smiled at her.  And
all she could do was smile back.

"You look good.  Just like your old self."

His words gave her pause.  It was so hard for her to accept that while
she was getting to know a stranger, he was seeing an.  old friend.  "I
like the dress," she said.  "Thanks."

He opened his mouth, closed it then opened it again to say simply,
"You're welcome."

Anna had a burning urge to know what he'd al most said, but she didn't
ask.  She also didn't ask whose dress she was wearing.  She wasn't
ready to hear about another woman in his life.

"You ready to go?"  he asked, looking the room Over as if she might be
forgetting something, as if she had something of her own to take with
her.  She followed his gaze around the stark room, struck again by the
total emptiness that was her life.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do about the bill," she admitted,
something else that had been on her mind that morning.  "I don't even
know if I have health insurance."

"You do."  Jason handed her a slip of paper.  "That'll see you through
until you can get a new card, but you won't need it today," he said.
"The city is.  covering all your medical expenses.  There'll probably
'be a settlement shortly, as well."

Anna stared at his forceful handwriting, wondering how many other
things he knew about her that she didn't.  She hated the way her
condition made her so helplessly vulnerable, hated Jason smg her like
this.  She swore to herself that she wouldn't rest until shed taken
back control of her life--and that once she had, shed never let it go
again.  The insurance card was a good start.  She no longer had to
worry about financing her pregnancy.  Now she just had to figure out
how she supported herself.

"What kind of settlement?"  she asked, sitting down in the wheelchair
she had to be wheeled out of the hospital in.

Jason shrugged.  "I don't know yet, but the city

has already admitted liability.  It's just up to their lawyers to
determine amounts."

She turned to look at him as he pushed her from the room.  "Do I need a
lawyer?"

"I don't think so, honey.  Only if you're not satisfied with whatever
amount they offer."

"It was an accident, Jason," she said, crossing her arms over her
chest.  "They don't owe me anything."

"They seem to think they owe you something," he said, stopping at the
nurses' station.  "So I'd take what they offermjust to see you through
until you're back on your feet."

Understanding that she would be less of a burden to him with money of
her own, Anna just nodded and proceeded to sign the papers the nurse
handed her.  The sooner she was back in her own place the better.  She
had to believe that.

JASON THOUOHT it best to put off their investigating until the next
day.  "You're probably going to tire a little more easily than you're
used to," he'd said.

And because shed read his words to mean that he had something else to
do, shed agreed with him.  But after a brief shopping trip for some
toilet ties another dress, purchased with money he'd lent her, and
moving her few things into the beautiful loft bedroom in his
apartment,.  she wished she hadn't agreed so readily.  He wasn't going
anywhere.  And surely a possible bout of fatigue, beck, even passing
out at his feet, was better than sitting intimately on his couch in the
quiet of his apartment.  She had

nothing to say, no repertoire of small talk, of nisces to draw upon.
And the way he was at her, his eyes brimming with things she couldn'l
decipher, was making it hard for her to remember the reasons she
couldn't allow him to mean anything to her "How well do I know you?"
she asked suddenly.  He had all the advantages and she had none.  Had
she been fond of him before?  Was that why she was so instantly drawn
to someone who, for all intents and purposes, was a complete
stranger?

He shrugged, looking away.  "Tve known y. our family for several
years."

"Well?  Or just acquaintances?"

"Well."

"Did we see each other often?"  she asked.  She couldn't see how, if
they were at all close, she hadn't been head over heels in love with
him.

"We saw each other fairly often," he finally said.  "Why?"  She
couldn't have been in love with him.  Loving Jason wasn't something she
would ever forget.  Not in a million years, or after a million bumps to
her head.  But even more, being her lover wasn't something he'd keep
quiet about.  Especially not now---not with her pregnant.

"You have a nice family, Anna.  I enjoyed being with you all"

"Were you a friend of my parents?"

His right heel started to bounce, almost imperceptibly, his leg up and
down.  "Not until you introduced me to them."

"I introduced you?"

His leg was still.  "You and Abby."

"Do you have a nice family, too?"  Her bluntness made her
uncomfortable, but the void where there should have been memories drove
her on.

He shrugged.  "They're nice people.  I just don't see them much."

"They live faraway?"

His leg started to move again.  "No."

She was treading on sensitive territory, and yet she wasn't getting any
signals from him to stop.  "Did you have a falling-out with them?"

He stretched his arm along the back of the couch, the tips of his
fingers almost touching her shoulder.  "My parents divorced when I was
five," he said.  "I grew up spending three days a week at one house and
four at the other."

"Almost like a visitor," she said, frowning.  "That must have been
hard.  Did you have a room in each house?  Where'd you keep your toys?"
She couldn't imagine anyone agreeing to raise a child that way.

He smiled sadly and she had a feeling she was seeing a part of Jason
not many people saw, and wondered if he was telling her things he'd
told 'her before.  Or if, perhaps, the fact that he was to all intents
and purposes a stranger to her made it easier for him to speak of
things he usually kept to himself.

"For a while I had a room in both places," he said.  "Until my father
moved closer to work and my mother remarried."

"What a tough way to grow up."  She wondered if shed ever met his
parents.  And if she had, if shed

been able to be civil to them.  "I can't believe the courts allowed
it."

"It was pretty unheard-of back then," he said.  "It's not so unusual
now.  That way the child is still raised by both parents, has the
benefit of a close relationship with both parents."  His leg continued
to bounce.

"Was that how it was with you?"  she asked, filled with a need to
understand everything she could about him.

"My father had his career."  He shrugged.  "Mom, her husband and new
baby daughter.  I al: ways knew they cared--I just wasn't their first
priority."  He said the words easily, but Anna didn't believe for a
second that 'his feelings were that uncomplicated.

And as he talked to her, as she caught a glimpse of the sensitive boy
he'd been--sensitive to hurt, but sensitive to his parents' needs, as
well--Anna wondered again why she hadn't been in love with him.

Had she already been in love with someone else?  Someone who affected
her even more deeply than he did?

"Were you ever in love?"  she blurted.  Was 17

He stiffened.  "I thought I was."

It had to be difficult for him, hearing her ask things she should
already know, but as long as he was willing to answer, she had to ask.
And he'd just cleared up one mystery.  There'd never been any thing
more than friendship between them because he'd been involved with
someone else.

"What happened?"  She curled her legs up neath her.

"She chose someone else."  And he was still hurting.

Anna couldn't imagine any woman turning Jason Whitaker away.  Quite the
opposite, in fact.  She'd been picturing a string of broken hearts
leading straight to his door.  Maybe her own included.  Maybe shed
loved himmand he'd loved someone else.

"I'm sorry."

He glanced over at her, a sardonic grin on his lips.  "Don't be," he
said.  "It doesn't matter anymore."

But somehow she knew it did.  "Did I know her?"  "Yes."

Anna wondered if shed ever been as jealous of this unknown woman as she
was of the woman whose dress She now wore.  "Did I like her?"

He looked at her, his assessing gaze making her uncomfortable.  "You
never told me you didn't."

His fingers moved absently along the back of the couch, and Anna could
feel every imaginary brush through the thin material of her dress,
aware of him in a way that could only embarrass him, stir his pity.
She was crazy.  And pregnant.  And the man was probably still in love
with someone else.

"How long ago was this?"  she asked.

"A few months."  He looked away and then back again, his leg still.
"Just before I came out to New York."

This woman was in California, then, Anna

thought, worried by her sudden sense of relief.  But worried even more
by how deeply she felt the pain he was denying.  In any way that
mattered, shed just met this man.  "She was a fool," she said aloud.

He shrugged.  "It's history."

She wasn't sure she believed him.

IT WAS A RLm to leave for work.  Though he felt guilty about leaving
Anna alone sooner than he had to, Jason gave himself enough time to
walk part of the way to the station that.  balmy New York evening,
catching a cab at Madison Square.  People had been complaining about
the summer humidity, but having grown up on the coast, Jason found New
York's humidity no problem.  And as much as he missed the ocean, he
loved New York.  He loved the rush, the life that surged around him
every time he stepped outside his door.  Everywhere were people with
goals to achieve, important things to do, destinations to reach.  He
needed to get caught up again in the activity the enthusiasm, remember
who he was, the person he'd become since leaving California.  He also
needed to lose some of the tension that was building to an exploding
point within him.

He needed a break from Anna.

She'd been in his borne one afternoon and he was falling in love with
her all over again.  She was another man's woman now.  A woman who was
sitting in his apartment in the dress he'd stripped off her the last
time shed worn it, and she was carrying another man's child.

He'd had to leave before the anger building inside

him spewed out and scalded them both.  How could she have allowed
another man to touch her, to know her, to leave his seed in her?  And
why wasn't she different because of it?  Why was she still, even minus
her memory, so much the Anna he'd known and loved more than anyone
else, ever?

He'd have given his life for the woman.  And she was giving life to
another man's baby.

While he, like some kind of sick fool, still burned with desire for
her.  Her scent, her soft husky voice, the way she glided when she
moved---all had driven him to the point of insanity that afternoon.

He understood how her separation from Abby had been more than Anna
could bear.  Understood that she badly needed this chance to emerge
from the cocoon of her family to become a separate and complete
individual.  Accepted the fact that her mind was ensuring she got that
chance.

But as the afternoon dragged on, even stronger than his need to take
her to bed, stronger than his anger, was the hurt he'd thought he'd
buried forever, rising closer and closer to the surface.  He was having
a hard 6me accepting, forgiving, that shed forgotten him.

"Sleep improved your tongue, but it didn't seem to do much for your
disposition," Sunny said as they left the set after the six-o'clock
news.

She hadn't appreciated his curt acquiescence when shed asked him out to
dinner.  But at least he'd been at his best on the air.  His thoughts
had flowed as freely as the cue cards, allowing him to add his own
slant to the news he imparted the way

his loyal viewers had come to expect.  And if his grand performance
had had anything to do with the fact that he knew Anna was watching
him, he damn sure didn't want to know about it.

"Let me make a phone call and we can go to dinner," he said, tossing
his station jacket on a chair just inside the door of his dressing
room.  "But I'm buying."

For once she didn't argue with him.

Sunny drove a fire-engine red Mercedes convertible and Jason envied her
only for having a garage close enough to home to drive her car to work
al; most daily.  The Jaguar he'd brought with him from California was
every bit the vehicle her Mercedes was, but it was a twenty-minute cab
ride away, parked in a garage that cost him nearly as much as his
apartment did each month.

Still, he appreciated a powerful car, and Sunny was a good driver.
Settling back in the passenger seat, he enjoyed the view, the warm
breeze in his hair as she maneuvered through midtown Manhattan toward
the seafood restaurant she currently favored on the Upper East Side.
Anna had already eaten, shed assured him when he'd called her from his
dressing room.  She'd found the stash of TV dinners in his freezer and
had eaten one while watching his show.  She was understandably
exhausted and was planning to shower and be in bed by nine o'clock.  He
was planning not to think about her in that spaghetti-strap
nightgown.

"So what's got you so uptight?"  Sunny asked as

soon as they had their pre dinner drinks in front of them.

"You remember that amnesia victim?"  he asked her, studying the ice in
his glass.  It was going to take a lot more than a glass of scotch to
put him to sleep tonight.

"The one from the subway crash?  Anna, didn't they say?"

"Anna Hayden," he said.  "I knew her in California."

"And?"  she said when he paused.  She'd stopped swishing her straw in
her drink and was stating at him.  Sunny wasn't going to like what he
had to tell her.

"She's staying at my place for a few days."

"Why?"  The softly spoken word hung between them.

He could tell her that Anna had no place else to go, that she knew no
one else in the city.  "Because I asked her to."

"Why?"  she asked again.  She'd made no secret of the fact that shed
been hoping for more between them than friendship.  But he'd been
honest, too.  He wasn't ready for the kind of relationship Sunny
wanted.

He took a sip of his drink, sending his co-anchor a warning look over
his glass.

"I wanted to," he finally answered.  It was the only part of the truth
shed care about.

She nudged her drink away.  "How well did you know her in
California?"

"Well."

Breaking eye contact with him for the first time since the
conversation began, Sunny said, "Oh."

Jason sipped his drink, waiting.  Knowing Sunny, she wasn't going to
give up that easily.  He'd known when he invited Anna home that Sunny
wasn't going to like it.  His relationship with her had started out as
a publicity stunt.  She was to be full of.  light sexual innuendoes and
lots of personal approval as they worked together on the air, the idea
being that if she approved of Channel Sixteen's new co-anchor, so would
her loyal viewers.  And if viewers tuned in to see a little chemistry
between Sunny Lawson and her new co-anchor, so much the better.

In silence they ate their meal, lobster for Jason, crab salad for
Sunny.  He'd have enjoyed the food a lot more if it wasn't sharing
space with the rock in his gut.  His relationship with Sunny was
important to him, in more ways than one.  Just not the way she wanted
most.

When Jason had first come to town, not knowing a soul, he'd been only
too willing to spend a lot of time with Sunny, to be seen about town
with her, appear in all the right places with her on his arm--all in
the name of business.  She was a beautiful woman, and with her sharp
mind, good company, too.  But as they'd gradually grown more
comfortable together, their relationship had become more than business.
After three months of sharing dinners with her, working with her,
drinking with her, Sunny had become a good friend.

She wanted to be his lover.

But as beautiful as Sunny was, as tempting as he

found her, Jason did not intend to take her to bed.  Sunny wasn't
looking for a no-strings-attached affair, and he wasn't sure he'd ever
want more than that with a woman again.

There was his job to consider as well.  He cared about his job.  A lot.
And he had to work with Sunny.  Though he'd given the show a much
needed ratings boost, Channel Sixteen News had been hers long before
he'd come along.

She waited until he'd pushed his plate away.

"When's she leaving?"  she asked.

"I don't know."

He couldn't give her any more than that.  "Are you sleeping with her?"
"No."

"Do you intend to?"

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Sunny that whether or not he
slept with Anna was none of her business.  But because she was a
friend, because it was the truth, he answered her.  "No."

Her shoulders relaxed.  "Does she know that yet?"  she asked in the
voice that had made her famous.

"She's pregnant, Sunny."  And then, when he saw the horror in her eyes,
"The baby's not mine."  "Oh," she said.  "Good."

Picking up her abandoned fork, she attacked her half-eaten salad with
gusto and he waited while she ate, well aware of how beautiful she was,
of the male eyes watching her appreciatively, of the envy surrounding
him in the elite little restaurant.  Well aware, too, that Sunny was
his for the taking.  He

wondered if he'd eventually give in and take her to his bed without
love.  Good sex could go a long way toward coveting up what wasn't
there.

"You ready?"  he asked as soon as she finally laid down her fork.

"Yes," she said, standing and waiting while he settled the check.  Any
other time shed have argued over whose turn it was to pay; tonight, she
was claiming the tight to have him buy her dinner.  Jason didn't miss
the message she was sending him.  He was hers and she wasn't giving him
up.

He could have told her she didn't have a damn thing to worry about
where Anna was concerned.  His housemate already had a man in her life.
And shed probably be running back to him just as soon as she remembered
who he was.

CHAPTER SIX

ABBY AWOa with a start.  Cold sweat trickled down her back and she sat
up, looking around her small bedroom in the back of the beach
house.-Something was wrong.  Engulfed in fear, she slid soundlessly
from the bed, eyes glued on the open door in front of her.  Her own
safety didn't matter, not until she assured herself that her sisters
weren't hurt.  She hadn't beard anything, but she never ignored her
instincts.  She'd awoken for a reason.

Slipping out her door and into the room immediately to her right, she
saw the empty bed.  Audrey's bed.

As reality crashed in, a cold calm set fled around Abby's heart.  Out
of a lifetime of habit, she checked the rest of the cottage.  But when
she found it empty, as empty as her life, she lay slowly down on the
kitchen floor, welcoming the coolness of the tile against her' cheek,
aware only then of the tears running down her face.

God, she hurt.  Was going.  crazy with the pain.  Not because she
wasn't strong enough to shoulder it.  She'd been feeling for three all
her life.  Whenever her sisters were in need, she knew.  When one
suffered, they all three suffered.  They'd felt each

other's thoughtsmseemed to share a single soul.  Just as they'd all
shared a remarkable comfort in each other.  The most agonizing
heartache became less unbearable simply because it was shared.

But not anymore.  Abby was alone now.  And this solitary pain was much
harder to bear than any shed known before.  Why was she still sensing
things that no longer existed?  Feeling bonds that had long been broken
?

She ached so badly she wished shed just die and be done with it.  And
no One knew she felt this way.  Which was the worst part of all.  For
the first time in her life, no one knew.

AA MEW out Of bed before she was fully awake, running down the loft
stairs with only one thought in mind.  TO get help.  She had to get
help.

Jason caught her by the shoulders just outside his bedroom door.

"Anna!  What's wrong?"

"Let me go!"  She fought his hold.  She had to get help.

He held her captive.  "What is it, honey?  What's happened?"

She heard the concern in his voice, but she couldn;t take time to
explain.  "I've got to get help!"  she cried, still struggling to break
away from him.

"Why?  Are you in pain?"  He pulled her closer, turning her face up to
his.

His blue eyes bore into hers, full of worry and something more.
Something that reached down to

soothe away the panic that had spread through her while she slept. She
stared back at him, speechless, wondering how she could possibly
explain her fran (ic urgency when she didn't understand it herself.
"Anna?"  He continued to watch her.  She shook her head.  Was she
losing her mind?  "I..."  She looked away, embarrassed, afraid.

Con u .

"What frightened you, honey?"  His voice was soft, understanding--and
yet so very masculine.

"I... It was just..."  What?  How could she tell him without sounding
crazy?

"Were you sleeping?"  he asked, leading her over to the couch.

She nodded.

He sat down beside her, still holding on to one of her hands as he
reached up to brush the hair from her face.  It was a damp tangled
mess.

"You just had a nightmare," he said gently.  "Dr.  Gordon warned us
this might happen."

Still silent, she nodded again.  Let him think that was all it was. Let
her try and believe it.

"Were you dreaming about the crash?"  he asked.  "Yes."  She forced the
word and barely got a whisper.  That was how her dream had started,
anyway.  But there'd been more.  Something that when shed awoken hadn't
vanished with the dream.  Someone calling out to her, frantically,
painfully, miing her so desperately she still felt the echo of it
singeing her nerves.

Jason pulled her into his arms.  "You're shivering," he said.  "Are you
cold?"

Shaking her head, she burrowed her face against him, realizing his
chest was bare only when her cheek pressed against the warmth of his
skin.  Please, Goa Make me not be crazy, she prayed, too weak to pull
away from Jason even though she knew that snuggling against him wasn't
right.

He settled back into the couch, cradling her.  "Talk to me, Anna."

She wanted to.  God knew she wanted to share everything with this man.
These past few days, shed been traveling the streets of New York with
him on a so far fruitless search for her identity.  Living with him,
watching him on the news, hearing on the television show what he'd
neglected to tell her him-self---that his partner considered him the
day's best catch--had so intensified her inappropriate attraction to
Jason that being with him had, in some ways, become pure hell.

And in other ways, it seemed so natural.  Jason knew her even if she
didn't know herself.  He knew what foods she liked best, what colors.
He knew when she was bothered, when something amused her.  Through him,
she was gaining back bits of herself.

"Did I used to talk to you?"  she asked now, allowing herself just a
few seconds of touching him, of taking advantage of the strength he was
so willing to share with her.  Then shed move, put the length of the
couch between them, just as their lives pushed them apart in every
other way.

"More than you talked to most people, I guess," he said.  He'd
considered her question carefully.

Anna was glad she didn't have to look at him.  "Was I a pest?"

"Hell no!"  His response was immediate, the first personal response
he'd given her without first carefully choosing his words.  "It used to
drive me crazy the way you'd keep things to yourself," he continued.
"ff anything, I wished you'd open up more."

"I didn't talk much, huh?"  Anna smiled.  "Somehow that doesn't
surprise me," In fact, this discovery felt gloriously right, familiar.
Finally.  Something felt familiar.

Jason tightened his hold on her.  "You talked, Anna.  Just not always
about the things that mattered."

And what might those things have been?  Maybe if shed talked more, her
mind wouldn't have needed to run and hide.

"Were we close, Jason?"  She wanted to think that, though they hadn't
been lovers, at least they'd been friends.  Good friends.  The kind of
friend you could run to when the world was too much to bear.

Jason didn't answer.  She'd whispered the words, so perhaps he hadn't
heard.

As she lay there, her mind taunted her, playing absurd guessing games
with his possible thoughts.  How did you tactfully tell someone she
wasn't your favorite person?  Especially when that person was sitting
half on top of you, helpless with need.  How could he say that shed
been a difficult person to like?  That while she was nice enough now,
shed been a pain in the ass in her other life?  Or worse, how did he
tell her that he'd tried his best to steer

clear of her because of the embarrassing unrequited crush shed made so
obvious?

"Not as close as we are now," he answered after such a long time had
passed shed been certain her question had gone unnoticed.

Listening to his heart beat, she thought about his answer.  Not as
close as we are now.  She wanted to ask him to explain, but was afraid
to push him too far.  She was afraid of his answer.  Was something the
matter with her that made it hard for people to get close to her?  Had
she been the type of person that someone good and decent like Jason
wouldn't want to be close to?  '

The damn black hole that was her mind tormented her with its silence,
frustrating her, angering her.  What the hell had happened to her?
What had driven her to running away from herself?.

"Is that why I didn't contact you when I came to New York?"  The warmth
of his arms gave her the courage to ask.

"There was no reason you should have," he said, his voice even, as
though he was reporting the news.  "You didn't even know where I
lived."

She continued to lie pressed against him, the darkness loosening her
tongue.  "Did I know you'd moved to New York?"

"You knew I was going to."

"You didn't tell me goodbye when you left?"  "No."

So they must not have been all that close.  "Did you tell my sister
goodbye?"

"Yes," he said, still reporting impassively.  "I

saw her before I left.  You'd gone down to San Di ego.  She said shed
say goodbye for me."  Which made perfect sense.

The warmth of Jason's hands radiated through the thin silk of her gown,
and as she relaxed, Anna was suddenly too aware of them clasped just
beneath her fight breast.  He was wearing nothing but a pair of thin
cotton shorts, hastily donned, if the undone drawstring at the
waistband was any indication.

And as she studied that waistband in the shadows, Anna noticed
something else, something that sent her heart slamming against her
fibs.  He was aroused.

Her throat felt dry; her nipples tightened.  She could move just a
little bit lower and his hands would slide over her aching breast. Just
a little bit lower... "Do you have any idea who the father of my baby
is?"  Her words crashed into the intimate silence that had fallen
around them.  She had to keep her mind on what mattered, or she was
going to make a terrible mistake.  One she wouldn't be able to live
with when she regained her memory--and her life.

"None."  The word was clipped, his hold on her loosening.

"Are you just saying that, or do you really not know?"

He sat up on the edge of the couch, setting her away from him, leaning
forward with his hands clasped between his knees.  "I had no idea you
were seeing anyone."

"But--"

"It's late, Anna," he interrupted.  "No more questions tonight,
okay?"

"Just one more, Jason, please."  She had to know.  Especially after the
way shed just reacted to him, she had to know.

"What?"  He turned to look at her, frowning, his eyes shuttered in the
shadows.

"Was I the type to sleep around?"

He jumped up from the couch.  "What kind of question is that?"

"Please, Jason," she begged, burying her pride to find the truth that
was haunting her, the truth she feared almost as much as she feared
never find big it.  "Was I the type to sleep around?"

He stared at her silently, a shadow in the dark.  But his silence drove
her on, her stomach knotting.  Was it possible that she hadn't known
who'd fathered her baby?  Even before shed lost her memory?

"I have to know."

His shoulders relaxed, but the frown remained.  "I wouldn't have
thought so."

"You don't know for sure?"

"No.  I don't know for sure."

IF THEY DIDN'T FIND her place soon, he was going to have to tell her
who he was.  Traipsing around Manhattan on foot in the hopes shed
notice something shed missed from the cab had done nothing.  but tire
her rand stretch his endurance so dangerously thin he was actually
considering trying a little psychology of his own.  He'd been tempted
from the

first moment he'd walked into her hospital room, when she looked at
him with the eyes of a stranger.  Tempted to lay her down in his bed,
strip away her clothes and talk to her with his body as he'd done so
often in the past.  He just couldn't believe that once he'd made love
to her she wouldn't remember him, wouldn't remember the love they'd
shared

"God, I hate that place," she said, her voice tired, worn.  They were
midtown, not far from the station, but several blocks from Central Park
where he'd had the cab drop them off.

Feeling guilty for pushing her too far too fast in his own selfish need
to get her out of his apartment before he did something he'd regret, it
was a full moment before Jason saw what she was talking about.

Central Deli and Restaurant.

But she loved deli food.  And Central was the best.  On East
Thirty-fourth Street it was a bit of a jog from the station, but the
restaurant was good enough to be one of Sunny's current favorites.  So
why would Anna hate it?

How did she know she hated it?  Jason stopped in his tracks, the flow
of Manhattan pedestrian traffic bumping into him, and Anna, too, as he
pulled her to a halt beside him.

"You remembered something," he said.

Shock crossed her face,.  followed almost immediately by a smile that
took his breath away.  "Yeah," she said, grinning.  "I guess I did."

The crowd moved around them, too intent on business to be slowed down
by a couple of idiots

grinning at each other on the sidewalk.  "So why do you hate Central?"
Jason asked.

"I haven't a clue."  She laughed out loud at the absurdity of the
situation.

Jason grinned, taking her hand as they finally had to give in and join
the Friday after-work throng.  He hadn't realized until that moment how
worried he'd been that the doctor had been wrong, that Anna's memory
loss was permanent, that maybe there had been some brain damage.

"Do you think I lived around here?"  she asked him as they reached the
end of the block..

"It's possible.  We can check the phone book, call places nearby."

"I'll make a list tonight while you're at work."  Galvanized by Anna's
small victory, Jason insisted on walking around the block three more
times, making sure she didn't miss even a speck of gravel on the
sidewalk.  She'd been there before.  Anything could spark a memory,
lead them to her life, get her out of his.

And suddenly he wasn't sure he should push her.  She'd remembered
something.  That was enough for one day.  Telling her he had to get to
work, he dropped her off at the apartment and took a cab to the
station.  And immediately called Abby.

HE ANNA spent the next morning siring on his couch, the list of phone
numbers shed made the night before on the coffee table in front of
them," taking turns with his mobile phone--but every call they made was
another dead end.  No landlord in the

immediate vicinity of Central Deli had ever heard of Anna Hayden, no
one had had a tenant missing for the past several days, not one they
were aware of, anyway.  No one recognized her description.

But Anna wouldn't be daunted.  "I remembered that place, Jason," she
said late that morning.  "I did have a life here and I'm going to find
it."

Jason couldn't help but admire her persistence, her surge of confidence
springing from one small victory.

"Then get back on that phone, woman."

She picked the phone up and started to dial, but stopped.  "You telling
me what to do?"  she asked, her eyes glinting with laughter.

"Not if you don't want me to."  She never had liked to be ordered
about; gently did'ected by Abby always, but never ordered.

"Good, 'cause I make my own decisions," she announced, dialing the next
number on their list.

They were the sweetest words Jason had ever heard her utter.

THEY FINALLY HIT pay dirt midway through the afternoon.  Jason had run
through his introduction by rote, already hearing the negative response
on the other end of the line before realizing he hadn't received one.
The brisk woman wouldn't confirm that Anna was one of her tenants, said
she managed so many buildings she couldn't keep track of who lived in
them, but she agreed to look at her records.

She called back five minutes later, telling them to

meet her at a brownstone in Gramercy, not too far from Central Deli.

A SATURDAY-AFFERNOON lull hung over the city, streets filled with more
shopping bags than briefcases, but the traffic was steady, cabs
honking, cars zipping in and out of spaces they should never have tried
to inch through.  And suddenly Anna wanted to stay fight there,
enjoying the sun on her skin, and watch the people, wonder where they
were going and why.  Anything but Walk the two more blocks to the life
that was waiting for her.

She wasn't going to be able to stand it if this was another dead end.
If the apartment wasn't hers.  And she was scared to death about what
might happen if i was.  Would she remember it?  Remember everything?
Was she ready to face whatever shed run away from?

Did she want to go back?

Living with Jason was the only life she knew.  And after just a few
days, it was a life she was happy with.

So what if it wasn't real?

And what if she discovered her old life and still didn't remember it?
If the apartment was hers and none of it was familiar?  Could she carry
on without any memo fides Did she have any choice?

Butterflies swarmed her stomach as she and Jason approached the
building.  They'd covered the last few blocks silently, and Anna
couldn't help wondering what he was thinking.  Was he thanking his
lucky stars that he was about to be rid of her?

She had to admit that as much as she liked living with him, as secure,
as welcome, as he'd made her feel, she hated having to rely on him.
Hated him knowing she had to rely on him.  Hated being nothing more
than a charity case.

She climbed the steps to the brownstone, praying the apartment they'd
come to see was hers.

But what was she going to do when Jason left her there all alone?

CHAPTER SEVEN

ANNA HATED the apartment.  Brown vinyl furniture, scarred tables, not
even a view out the one tiny window.  The only redeeming things about
the place were its tidiness and gleaming wooden floor.

"I don't recognize any of it," she said, feeling like a trespasser in a
stranger's home---a stranger's life.  But Mrs.  Walters had recognized
Anna, had shown them Anna's name on the mailbox just before shed given
them the key to the apartment.  She'd left before Anna could ask the
woman any questions but not before making it clear that Anna could stay
only as long as she wasn't a bother to anyoneMthey weren't in the
health-care business---and as long as Anna paid her rent.

"Relax, Anna," Jason said.  He was standing by the nook that served as
a kitchen, watching her.  "You rented it furnished and you've only
lived here a couple of months."

Relax.  She'd just been made to feel like some kind of freak by her
landlady, she didn't recognize a single stick of furniture, didn't like
it either.  Somehow she didn't think this was a relaxing situation.
Damn him and his optimism, anyway.  What did he know about losing all
knowledge of everything

you'd been, everything you'd ever hoped dreamed to be?  What did he
know about yourself down so badly?

Crossing to the far comer of the apartment, A flung open the closet
door, revealing a sparse'.  of uncomfortable-looking cotton shorts and
sh She hated the clothing more than she hated the niture.  "Did these
come with the place, too?"  asked, doing her best to stave off an
attack of p with a show of anger.

It was bad enough that nothing was familiar, she didn't even like the
stuff she was seeing.  if she didn't like the woman shed been any bet

Jason crossed the room, dismissing the clol with barely a'glance as he
took her by the should "You must have wanted a change when you to New
York," he said, holding her gaze with own.  "You never wore shorts."

She wasn't ready to be mollified.  Not even him.  "It's not a good
change."

"So don't wear them," he said, rubbing shoulders.  "But stop being so
hard on yourself."

More than his words, the look in his eyes Sl to her, telling her he
believed in her, that he kr shed make it through this awful time.

But how could she believe in herself when loss of memory was proof of
her inability to hah her life?

"It's been almost a week, Jason.  Don't you th I should be getting
somewhere by now?"

"Dr.  Gordon said it could take a while.  You memhered the dell. That's
a start."

And with that she would have to be satisfied.  Except she didn't feel
satisfied at all.  Looking around, she tried to see the room from
another perspective, as if this were all happening to someone else. How
should a woman in her situation react?  What should she do?  What was
the answer?

She just didn't know.

A perfunctory search of the apartment turned up a checkbook with a
balance that would see her through several months; there were lots of
Saltfine crackers stashed in a drawer of the end table by the pullout
couch, in the bathroom cupboard, in the single kitchen cupboard with a
couple of cans of soup to go with them.  The only other personal items
were a laptop computer Jason said shed us!  to keep her personal
finance records, and a beautiful music box shaped like a castle.  Jason
listened to the tune, re-wound it and listened again.  He seemed more
than casually interested in the box, almost as if surprised to see it
there; but when she asked him about it, he merely shrugged and said
shed received the box from a friend.

And--in a table drawer wa personal address book.  Shaking, afraid to
open-it, she stared at.  the flowered cover.

Eyes closed, she held the book to her breast.  Between its covers lay
details of her life, people shed known.  And suddenly she couldn't open
the book quickly enough.  Scanning the pages so urgently she. almost
tore them, her gaze flitted from one entry to the next, until she
reached the last page.

"Nothing," she said as the book fell from her

fingers.  "I don't recognize a single name, not a place, not a number.
I don't even recognize the handwriting."  Her eyes burned with tears,
her heart with failure.

"I've never seen this before," Jason said.  She heard him pick up the
book, riffle through the pages, and just didn't care.  She was a great
big nothing.  The father of her baby could be listed there, and she
wouldn't even know it.

"They're all from back home," Jason.  said, having reached the last
page of the book.  "You know them?"  "Every one of them."

"We were that close that you knew everyone I knew?"

Setting the book on the end table, Jason pivoted away from her.  "We
ran in the same circles, shared a lot of mutual friends," he said.
"This book looks new, as if you copied those numbers all at the same
time."

She'd noticed that, too.  Every entry was in the same ink, the
handwriting neat.

"And I never met a person, made a phone call, wrote down an address
since coming to New York?"  she asked.  She couldn't help the
bitterness she beard in her voice.  It was as if she didn't even exist
anymore.

"You had a planner you kept things in," Jason said as if just now
remembering.  "Everything from business cards to appointments.  You
carried it in your purse."

"Which was lost in the crash."  She was not having a good day.

After knocking fruitlessly on the doors of her immediate
neighbos---they were either not at home or said shed kept so much to
herself they knew nothing about her--Anna and Jason stood awkwardly in
her apartment again, surrounded by furniture neither of them
recognized.  And then there was nothing else to do but say goodbye.
Jason invited her to spend one last night at his place, but precisely
because She was tempted, she declined his offer.  It was Saturday
night, and he was sure to have his pick of beautiful women with whom to
spend it.  His beautiful co-anchor, Sunny.  Lawson, for one.  The woman
had undoubtedly been more than patient.

Jason accepted her refusal easily, almost insultingly easily, but Anna
couldn't blame him.  Instead, she chastised herself for being hurt,
made certain he saw none of her uncertainty as she waved to him at the
door and kept herself well hidden as she watched him all the way down
the block through her one small window.

Then, desultorily, she made another search of her apartment,
acquainting herself with where she kept the silverware and napkins,
what kind of makeup she used, her few pieces of jewelry.  She added her
locket, which shed been keeping in the inside pocket of her new purse,
to the box containing her other jewelry.  And then pulled it fight back
out, again, dropping it into an envelope before placing it back inside
her purse.

Dr.  Gordon had warned her about depression, so

she continued to poke into drawers, touching her things, trying to get
a sense of the woman shed been, pretending that she cared.  But she
still felt as though she were trespassing in a stranger's life, one she
couldn't identify with, one she wasn't sure she even wanted to know.

First thing tomorrow she was going shopping for some more dresses.
Right after she packed up every last pair of shorts for the Salvation
Army.

Finding the key to her mailbox in a corner of the kitchen drawer, Anna
went down to check her mail, retrieving only a couple of bills and some
solicitations.  She returned the wave of a small dark-haired woman
coming out of a door down the hall from her before locking herself back
inside her apartment, making sure to secure all three locks as Jason
had instructed.

The entire episode ate up fifteen minutes of an evening that stretched
beyond eternity.  With the walls of the small apartment closing in on
her, increasing the agitation that already drove her day in and day
out, she sank onto the couch, telling herself to relax, to hold on, to
be patient and let her mind heal itself.  Yet the future loomed ahead
of her, a dark specter in the night, frightening her with its
blankness.  What was she going to do with the rest of her life?  What
was she going to do tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after that?

She had no idea where shed worked, if shed worked, but judging by the
size of her checking account, work wasn't going to be of pressing
concern anytime soon---she was going to be receiving a settlement from
the city, as well.  Besides, it wasn't as if shed be much use to anyone
at the moment, not having the slightest idea what she could do or
memory of any training shed had.  And there was always the chance that
her employer would view her exactly as her landlady had, a burden to be
pitied.  Nothing more.

For now, work was out.

Her stomach tightened, the horrible fear looming darkly over her again,
consuming her.  What was she going to do if she never remembered?  And
what was going to happen if she did?  What horrible things would be
there waiting?  Would she still not be able to handle them?  Would she
flip out?  Have a breakdown?  Go mad?  '

She thought about calling Abby.  About California.  About going home.
At least there shed have someone to talk to.  Someone to take care of
her.  Someone to commit her if she went over the edge.

And she thought about Jason.  His tall athletic body, The way his eyes
always made her feel warm, special.  His laugh.  His charm.  His
arousal the other night .... And she thought about Sunny Davis in his
apartment, maybe that very moment.

She thought about the child she carried, the conception that had
vanished from her memory as if it had never been.  The man whose baby
she carried.  Then she started to cry.  Was he out there somewhere
thinking shed deserted him?  Or had he deserted her?  Would he think
her a weak fool for having a mind that checked out as it pleased?

Did she think herself a fool?

Anna stopped crying.  Stood.  Paced her small living room.  And faced
the Ruth.  She did think herself a feel.  And worse.  She hated herself
for refusing to deal with her life and escaping into this ...
emptiness.  Hated the weakness, the cowardice surrounding her
condition.  But worst of all, she hated herself for wishing she could
run back to Jason, bury herself in his arms and never remember at
all.

HE BOUGHT HER groceries, called her four times a day, asked her to
breakfast, to lunch, and beat the hell out of a racquetball while
convincing himself that he was just being a friend, that he wasn't
getting involved.  That he'd be able to walk away.

He always had, hadn't he?  Every time his mother called, he was there
for her, no strings attached.  No expectations.  No recriminations when
his birthday rolled around, Christmas, sometimes even a year or two
with no word from her.  Helping was what a man did.  What a man shou/d
do.

"Jason?"  He'd known it was Anna on the phone even before he answered
it Tuesday morning.  She was the only one who would dare call him
before noon.  In recent months, as his nights stretched till dawn, he
hadn't been awake much before then.

"I found a file box in the back of the closet," she said.  She was
sounding stronger each day, taking control of her life.  He admired the
hell out of her.  "There's this pay stub, just like you said there
might be, from a place called Old World Alterations.  It's in Little
Italy."

Grabbing his keys off the coffee table, Jason said, "I'm on my way."

THE PLACE WAS a modern day sweatshop.  Standing with Anna on the
sidewalk outside the building that gray New York day, Jason stared with
horror at all the women crammed into the small space, some sitting at
sewing machines, others in hard-backed chairs, stitching by hand.  No
one spoke.  No one smiled.  But their fingers, flew, racing to finish
one job only to start another.

Sick to his stomach at the thought of Anna sitting in there like that
working as though she was a slave, Jason turned away.  He'd seen
enough.  If Anna had worked there, she would no longer.  He'd pay her
damn rent if he had to.  She wasn't going back in there.

Except she was.  She reached for the door handle.  "Anna."

She dropped her hand and turned, surprised, almost as if shed forgotten
him.

"Do you remember being here?"  he asked her.  She shook head
distractedly.

"Do you know if I can sew?"  she asked him,

The way she said it was so odd he had to ask, "Why?"

"I feel like I can sew," she said slowly.

She was remembering.  "You can."

SomeOne bumped into her and she stepped back along the wall of the
building: "Am I any good?"

"Very."  She'd made money wa lot of itwsewing

up Abby's designs for a line of children's wear that sold in exclusive
shops all over Southern California.

Frowning, she looked at the women.  "I don't think I like it," she
said, sounding perplexed.

A sigh eased through Jason, releasing a spring of hope.  He'd always
suspected that sewing wasn't what Anna wanted to do, rather, what she
did for Abby.  But shed never before admitted as much--even when he'd
confronted her about it before leaving for New York.  Perhaps, just
perhaps, her memory loss was doing something for her he never could,
getting her to know herself.

"Let's go in," Anna said.  Her mind was obviously made up.  She was
going to follow up on this lead.  Jason went with her inside.

"Anna!"  The accented male voice came from someplace in the rear of the
shop.  "You've come back to us!"

Anna froze inside the door, immediately wary, though she had no idea
why.  The man sounded friendly enough.  He'd been sitting at a desk and
now he jumped up and came forward, weaving his thin body between the
sewing machines.

Several women looked over at her behind his back, smiling tentatively,
but then bowed their heads and resumed their work before she could
return their smiles.

"I can't believe you've.  come back to us," the man said.  Ignoring
Jason, he reached for Anna's hand, kissing it before pulling her
forward.

Anna wanted to slap him.  In fact, the urge was so strong she had to
move away.

She tried to concentrate on what he'd just said.  He couldn't believe
shed come back.  As though he hadn't been expecting to see her again.
"I don't work here anymore?"  she asked.

"Of course you work."  He winked at her.  "I give you lots of work!"

Jason stepped forward so that he stood between Anna and the man.

"You know about the subway crash," he said, his usual charm
nonexistent.  Anna had never seen him like this before.

"Oh!"  The man hit his palm to his forehead.  "It was you!"  He looked
at Anna.  "The Anna they say was hurt.  She was you?"

Anna nodded.  '

"And you'll don't remember?"

Anna shook her head before realizing she was under no Obligation to
tell this man anything.

"My poor Anna," he said.  "Come here and let your Roger make it all
better."  He tried to pull her into his arms, but Anna held back.

"My Roger?"  she asked, managing little more than a whisper.  Jason was
frozen beside her.

"Of course you don't remember, but not to worod.  I will remember for
both of us."  He grabbed Anna again, holding her close as he whispered,
"What we had was good, no?"

Nausea overwhelmed her.  It was all Anna could do not to be sick all
over the man's dirty white shirt.

"You' were so good, my little Anna."  He kissed his fingertips.

Had she actually slept with this creep?

Oh, God.  Was it his baby she carried?

With a quick look at Jason's horrified face, she dashed for the
bathroom, getting there just in time to lose her breakfast.  Hunched
over the toilet, she heaved until she thought her fibs were going to
break, but nothing could take away the sick feeling washing over her.

How could she go out there?  Jason had heard the man.  He'd obviously
reached the same conclusion she had.  And was disgusted.  How could she
ever face him again?  How could she ever face herself?.

Finally she rose, wetting a piece of paper towel under the sink and
holding it against her burning face.  if this was the life shed left
behind, shed rather die than go back to it.

"Anna?"  Jason's voice came through the door.

"Anna?"  Roger's suggestive calling of her name nearly sent her back to
the toilet.

"Ohhh, go away," she eded softly to herself, and opened the door.

"You're still sick from your crash?"  Roger asked, not quite as
enthusiastic once he got a look at her pale face.

All Anna could see was Jason, standing in front of the other man, his
eyes searching her face intently.  "You okay?"

She shook her head, silently begging him to get her out of there, to
make the nightmare go away.

The phone rang and one of the women answered it, calling Roger to talk
to someone named Baker.

"I'll be fight back," he said to Anna as he walked off.

"Pssst."

Anna looked at Jason.  Had he said something?

A woman over by the door was trying to get her attention.  Jason
motioned Anna ahead, and they eased their way W the front of the
shop.

"You no work here no more," the woman whispered in fractured English.
She stared at the pair of men's slacks she was hemming by hand, her
fingers never missing a stitch as they flew along the dark material.

Anna didn't respond, afraid to draw attention to the fact that the
woman was speaking.  Bu she nodded, hoping the woman would understand
that she was listening.

"Quit, six, eight weeks ago.  Very sudden.  No one say why."

Exchanging a glance with Jason, Anna nodded again.

"Boss, he like you.  Not like he like good worker."  She lifted the
pants to her mouth, cut the thread with her teeth and looked out the
window.  The conversation was over.

Roger could still be heard in the back of the shop, speaking rapidly in
a foreign language, glancing out every now and then, making certain
Anna was still there.  Jason grabbed Anna by the ann and pulled her out
the door of the shop into the gloomy morning.  She hurried silently
beside him as he led her down the street, eager to put as much distance
as she could between her and the disgusting slimy man whose touch had
made her want to curl up and die.

The man who could very well be the father of her baby.

JASON DIDN'T SLOW down.  Not even after they'd traveled enough blocks
and made enough turns to have lost the bastard should he have followed
them.  He continued to walk simply because he didn't know what else to
do.  He had to think, to make sense out of the past half hour, consider
the woman he'd known and loved for more than two years and somehow find
the truth.

"Am I carrying his child?"  Anna's cry was so distraught passersby on
the sidewalk stopped and stared.

"No!"  Jason said, pulling her against him, sheltering her from a young
man who was sending her furtive looks over his shoulder.

"How do you know?"  she asked more softly.  He' could hear tears in her
voice.  Tears and something else-a distress so deep he knew shed never
recover if her fear turned into truth.

"I know you."  But did he?  "You'd never have gone for a man like that,
Anna.  Never."

The Anna he'd known wouldn't have.  But the Anna he'd known would never
have slept with another man only six weeks after leaving his bed.  Or
left Abby, either.

CHAPTER EIGHT

NEITHER OF THEM had an appetite for lunch and, at Anna's suggestion,
headed back to her apartment.  She had to search it again, tear it
apart, look through everything she could find for something that would
prove Roger was not the father of her child.  Jason helped her look,
but found nothing.

She had books--lots of those--blank computer disks, they even found the
name of the obstetrician shed made her first appointment with, one she
missed the day after the subway crashed.

Getting out the phone directory, Jason started calling alteration shops
in the area.  None of them had employed or ever heard of Anna Hayden.
Anna contacted the phone company, the electric company, asking for the
job information recorded on her billing records.  Old World
Alterations.

"The first person someone calls after changing jobs usually isn't a
utility company," Jason pointed out when she hung up the phone for the
second time.

Anna felt like crying.  She could feel the tears welling behind her
lids and forced them away.  On top of everything else, she wasn't going
to cry on him.  Jason hated tears.

Her head shot up, her heart beating against her ribs as she stared at
him.

"What?"  he asked.

She shook her head, flooded with confusing emotions, glee, fear, a
sense of helpless foreboding left from the morning's ordeal--and hope.
Grabbing her shoulders, Jason pulled her closer, holding her gaze.
"What, Anna?  You look like you've seen a ghost."

Her tears won the battle, trickling down her cheeks, but she smiled up
at him, grateful beyond anything shed ever known to have this one
precious memory.  This connection.  To him.

"You hate tears," she said.

She laughed at the astonished look in his eyes.  The delight.  And was
puzzled by the shadows that immediately followed.  "You remember me?"
he asked, letting her go.

She shook her head, Still smiling in spite of his puzzling behavior.
"Just that you hate tears."  She really had known him before.  Not that
shed ever doubted his word, but it was just so damn good to know
something simply because she knew, not because shed been told.

He nodded.  "You're right.  I do.  Or I did.  Until a friend pointed
OUt how ridiculous I was to feel threatened by a simple expression of
emotion."  He continued to study her, his hands in the pockets of his
chinos.

"Why would I know such a thing?"

"We went to see While You Were Sleeping.  Your sister balled like a
baby and I got on her case for it."

"While You Were Sleeping?  Is that a movie?"  He nodded, still
watching her.  "Why'd it make her cry?"

"Because all the woman in the movie wanted was to be part of a family
and yet, in spite of her efforts, she was always on the outside looking
in."

Sounded to Anna like something that might have touched Jason, as well,
knowing what she did about his lonely childhood.

"So who had the guts to tell you how ridiculOUs it was to feel
threatened by tears?"

"You did."  He turned away from her.  "In Abby's defense."

For the first time in days he was measuring his words again.  There was
more to that story.  He just wasn't telling her.  But at the moment she
was so giddy with her proof of his place in her life she couldn't worry
about the secrets lurking just beyond her grasp.

She remembered knowing Jason.

HER NEWFOUND REMEMBRANCE, minute as it was,

had a disturbing repercussion.  Sitting on her couch, munching an early
dinner, Anna watched Jason on the six*o'clock news that evening.  She
took pride in how he looked in his navy jacket with the station's
emblem above the pocket; only Jason's broad shoulders could look that
good.  She loved the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, approved of
his witty repartee and generally felt privileged for knowing personally
one of the city's most sought-after bachelors And was shocked at the
proprietary nature of her feelings.

When Sunny Lawson laid her perfectly manicured fingers on his forearm,
Anna wanted to claw her eyes out.  Afraid of the vehemence of the
feeling, of what it meant, she forced herself to think about all the
reasons Jason needed a woman like Sunny in his life, why, as a friend,
she, Anna, had to hope they'd be very happy together.  Why she had no
business feeling jealous over a man she wasn't free to have.  Even if
she wasn't living in this half world of no memories, she had no right
to Jason.  She was bound to another man--and to the child shed created
with him.

Making herself watch Jason and Sunny together, Anna tried not to care.
But no matter the logic of her reasoning, she couldn't stop her chest
from tightening, her skin chilling, the butterflies invading her
stomach.

And the more she panicked, the more panicked she grew.  Was she so
unstable that she was going to fall apart at everything?  The woman she
was now had only known Jason a matter of days.  She couldn't possibly
care for him so much that merely seeing another woman touch him was
ripping her heart out.

But Jason was all she had.  The only person she knew.  It was natural
for her to feel a bit possessive, she thought, trying to reassure
herself.  She just had to make certain she didn't get carried away with
her possessiveness.

Jason had other friends.  He played racquetball.  One time when shed
been at his place, he'd received a phone call from a buddy of his in
California.  She wasn't the only person in his life by a long
shot--wasn't even the most important person in his life.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Anna was struck with the need to talk to
Abby.  Jason wasn't the only person in her life, either.  He wasn't
even the only one who cared.  She knew Abby had been keeping in close
contact with Jason.  He'd told her so.

Picking up the phone with shaking fingers, Anna ralized she didn't even
know Abby's number.  She refused to be daunted, dialing the operator,
instead, requesting the area code for Oxnard, California, dialing
long-distance information, only half-aware that she knew exactly how to
do so.  Yes, there was a listing for Abigale Hayden.  Anna scribbled
while an automated voice intoned the number.

She dialed the number quickly, giving herself no time to change her
mind.  She'd only talk for a couple of minutes.  She just had to
connect with someone who knew her, who hopefully loved her,
unconditionally, as family was meant to.  Someone who would still love
her if Roger was the father of her baby.  Someone who would love her
even if she found herself hopelessly, dangerously attracted to another
man.  Someone who knew Jason.

But before the phone rang even once, Anna hung up, remembering Dr.
Gordon's warning not to contact her family.  And even more, his
admonition to learn to trust herself.  She'd had a real live memory
that day.  She couldn't give up now, couldn't let her-serf down.  As
the doctor had reminded her more

than once, shed requested a year away from her family for a reason.
And that reason might very well be connected to the vacation her mind
had taken.

She had to learn to trust herself.  Regain some faith in herself.  And
that was going to take time.

She had to take back control of her life or live forever like this--in
a world without color, without depth, without memories.

Turning off the television set, Anna grabbed one of the many books
stacked on her closet shelf, drew a hot bath and ordered herself to
settle in and read.  To focus her mind on something else for a while,
to think about somebody else's problems.  She made it through only a
couple of pages before realizing that shed read the story before.  She
couldn't remember how it ended, but she knew shed read it.

And several hours later, as she lay in the middle of the pullout bed,
snuggled in her nightgown under the covers, and finished the book, she
couldn't help're plotting the ending.  And that was something shed
done.  before, too.

HE SHOULD HAVE learned his lesson, but Jason couldn't seem to stop
himself from spending most of his free time with Anna.  She was like a
drug, an addiction, had been since the first time he'd ever met her. He
was also thinking about her too much, preoccupied when he should have
been focused---on the racquetball court, at the station, out with
Sunny.  But he couldn't just desert Anna.  Not now.  Not when she
needed him.  Not when her eyes lit up

every time he walked into the room.  Not when she said his name in
that husky voice.  Not when he... It couldn't lead to anything.  She
had other priorities, people who came before he did in her life, in her
heart.  But where was the harm in helping her?  He was a strong guy.
He could handle it, he assured a couple of his buddies from California
when they phoned.  He was fine, he told his mother when, for once, she
remembered to call to wish him happy birthday.

What he couldn't handle, couldn't accept, was walking away from a
friend in need.

And Anna was a friend in need, he told himself the following Saturday.
She needed a day out of the city.  A day of freedom when she could be
the same as everyone else around her, carefree, enjoying herself.  A
'day at the beach.  He wanted to take her somewhere that might spark a
memory--of him, of the love they'd shared.  They'd been on a beach the
first time they'd made love.  And the last time.

His Jaguar was waiting for him, sleek, its white paint gleaming, the
leather seats cool in the dark of the garage.  Flipping the switch to
put the top down, he waited for it to curl into the back of the car,
securing the leather cover around the entire mechanism.  Jason counted
on very little in his life, invested his heart stingily, but he cared
about his car.  It was the one thing he'd really wanted that he'd , had
the power to get, to keep.  He'd worked hard,

demanding from his career what he couldn't demand from his personal
life, fighting for the top spot in a

competitive field, settling for nothing less.  The Jag was his reward.
And his reminder.

Anna had loved his car.  She'd loved the wind blowing through her hair
unconcerned when the long strands became tangled because of her refusal
to pull it back, laughing out loud when he pressed the accelerator to
the floor, the thrill of speed turning her on.

"What a gorgeous machine!"  When he collected her Saturday morning, her
eyes lit up just as they'd used to.  "Why haven't I seen it before
now?"

She had.  And shed run her hands along its smooth contours just as she
was doing now.  "The closest garage I could find is fifteen miles away
from my apartment," he said, opening her door for her.

She climbed in and he shut the door, asking, "You have your
swimsuit?"

"I'm wearing it."  Pulling down the top of her dress, she showed him.

Yep, she was wearing it.  A tight-fitting one-piece black affair that
showed him the cleavage he already knew intimately.  Suddenly it was
his turn to appreciate a sleek body.  Except that he couldn't run his
hands along this one the way shed done moments before.  Not anymore.

"You'll let me drive it sometime, won't you?  After I get my new
license?"

Jason froze, halfway around the car, staring at the back of her head.
She finally turned, frowning at him.

"What?"  she asked.  "I'm a great driver."  And then, "Aren't I?"

"Yeah, growing up near L.A. you have to be, but what makes you think
I'd let you drive my car?"  She shrugged.  "You're a nice guy."

Giving some inane reply, Jason continued on to his side of the car,
sliding into the driver's seat with the ease of practice.  For a second
there he'd thought shed remembered.  In the old days, back when they
loved each other, her driving his car had been a standing gag between
them.  She always wanted to.  He always let her--and was nervous as a
ninny sitting beside her the whole time.  But shed always made it up to
him in the most glorious ways.  More than once, before they'd ever made
it out of the

"I met this girlin the hallway yesterday," Anna said, breaking into his
thoughts as he headed out of the city..  "Maggie Simmons."

"Someone you knew before?"  He downshifted, trying to ignore the feel
of his hand brushing against her leg.  He moved over to the right
lane.

"Not well."  Anna frowned.  "Like all the others she said I kept mostly
to myself."

Jason nodded, content to listen to her.  She'd been giving him
hour-by-hour accounts of her day ever since shed left the hospital,
sharing more of her thoughts with him in the past two weeks than in the
two years they'd been lovers.  He would gladly have spent the rest of
his life listening.

"Has it ever occurred to you that I'm not a very friendly person?"  she
asked.

Keeping his speed moderate so he could hear her, Jason considered her
question.  God, he hated the

secrets between them.  Not just the things she couldn't remember, but
his lies by omission.

"You were always private, honey, but never unfriendly," he said,
weighing his words.  He wasn't a doctor.  How the hell did he know how
much he should tell her?  And how, loving her as he had, did he stomach
keeping the truth from her?

They drove silently for a while, Anna's expression smoothing as the Jag
ate up the miles, putting more and more distance between them and the
city.

Anna at last broke the silence.  "Maggie told me something kind of
odd."

"What's that?"

"Well, she's pretty sure I haven't worked in the past six weeks because
I was always home."

"Nothing too odd about that if you were having troubles finding a job
you wanted.  It's not like you couldn't afford to take a little time
off."

"My money isn't going to last forever."

Jason acknowledged the truth of that with a shrug.  She was getting a
settlement from the city, though not enough to live on for the rest of
her life.  But she had lots of time to worry about earning her keep and
more pertinent things about which to worry.

"Anyway, Maggie said sometimes I'd come home carrying full garbage bags
like some kind of bag lady."  Anna said the words hesitantly, stealing
a glance at him as if to assess his reaction.

Jason chuckled.  "Surely you aren't thinking you were a bag lady."

"Of course not!"  Anna said indignantly.  "But you have to admit, it's
odd."

"Only because you don't seem to have several garbage bags worth of
stuff in your entire apartment."

"Oh, well, that's the other weird thing."  Anna's hair flew about her
face, brushing his shoulder as she turned her head toward him.
"Apparently, after bringing in the bags, I'd be home all day, sometimes
several days in a row, and then I'd leave again, ear-rying the same
full bags."

"And what do you make of all this?"

"I did people's laund/'y?"  She grinned at him.  Jason grinned back.
"Where, in the tub?"

"I had a bird-sitting business and was smuggling in bird cages

He hooted with laughter.  "You're afraid of birds."

She frowned at him.  "Why on earth would anyone be afraid of a poor
defenseless creature like a bird?"

"You saw Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds when you were little."

"And?"  she prompted.

"Swarms of birds practically take over a town, and they attack people.
It gets pretty ugly."

"I wonder why a little girl would be watching such a thing?"

He'd asked the same question when shed first confessed her childhood
fear.  It was the first time shed told him anything about growing up
with only her sisters for guidance.  The three had spent hours in front
of the television watching programs they never should have seen,
waiting patiently for the

parents they adored to get home from work.  There had been times when
they'd fallen asleep, still waiting.

She wouldn't like the answer any better than he had.

"I wasn't them," was all he said.  "Anyway, it wasn't birds.  What else
can you suggest?"

"I liked to shop, but suffered from buyefts remorse?"

Her stories got wilder the farther they drove.  She was the bagman in a
smuggling ring.  A drunk--the hot ties empty when she carded them back
out, of course.  A thief with a conscience, stealing and then returning
what she stole.  By the time they'd parked and gathered the cooler and
blanket from the mink, Jason had almost forgotten the troubles they'd
left behind.  For a moment out of time he had his Anna back.

Following Jason, Anna took a deep breath of the salty ocean air.  "I
love the beach, don't I?"  she asked, but she didn't need the
confirmation.  Something else she just knew.  Like she knew she was a
good driver.  Things were coming back.  TOO slowly, to be sure, but how
glorious to begin to know herself.  To really know the person in whose
body she lived.

"You had a cottage on the beach," Jason told her, coming around the
car.

Had she stayed there alone?  she wanted to know, but didn't ask.  She
wasn't going to ruin this time with him by worrying about things she
had no control over.  Not today.

The sand felt like heaven between her toes.  So familiar.  So good.
She could imagine herself lying in it, the grains closing around her
body like a glove.

"Let's build a castle," she said suddenly, plopping down close to the
water.

Dropping the blanket and cooler, Jason joined her.

"Watch out," he warned, settling in as though he expected to be there
awhile.

"Whatever for?"  Anna asked.  How difficult could it be?  Anyone could
see that all you needed was the right mixture of Water and sand to
construct just about any shape you wanted.  It didn't take a memory to
pile up a bunch of sand.

Jason pulled off his shirt, threw it down and stretched out on it, his
elbow in the sand, his hand supporting his head.  "Just wait and
see."

He looked resigned, expectant.  And gorgeous.  "Did you play sports in
school?"  Anna forced her eyes back to the job at hand.  The sun was
hot enough without her thoughts making her even hotter

"Quarterback of my high-school football team," he said, clearly pleased
with himself.

She wasn't surprised.  His body was a work of art.  "Did you go to
college?"

He nodded.  "On a swimming scholarship.  Care to race me?"

Anna grabbed a cup out of the cooler, packing it with sand.  "Ia a
minute.  Let me finish this," she said.

"That'll take more than a minute."

She didn't care if it took all day if it meant he'd

still be lying there beside her.  Her stomach was doing flip-flops
just looking at him.  But she couldn't make herself stop stealing
covert glances.

"What school'd you go to?"  she asked, making room for the small tower
that had to go on one corner of the castle.

He'd gone to USC, had a masters degree in communication, could ski as
well as he swam, spent summers playing beach volleyball and had lost
his virginity when' What he snapped, sitting up when she asked that
last question.

"Sorry," she said, using both hands to dig her moat.  "It just slipped
ouL"

When it came to Jason, she had sex on the brain.  She was praying that
was because she didn't have much else there at the moment.  But she
wasn't convinced.

"Sixteen."

"Hmm?"  she said, trying her best to concentrate on the sand castle.

"I was sixteen.  She was a present from my father.  He was supposed to
have taken me skiing for my birthday, but had to fly to New York on
business at the last minute."

"Some present."

Had that woman been worth being ditched by his father?  To some guys,
probably so.  Anna wasn't so sure about Jason.  His priorities were
different.  People were important to him.  Commitment, loyalty were
important to him.  This was perfectly clear to her, even after having
only known him less than two

weeks.  Why else would he be continuing to help her if not for his
loyalty to her family?

Remembering what he'd told her about his youth, Anna wondered if he'd
ever come first in his parents' lives.  Hadn't they seen what a special
person they'd created?  She couldn't imagine not wanting to spend every
minute she could with her baby as it was growing up, whether he was a
model child or not.  Life passed so quickly.

"She was actually kind of nice," Jason added almost as an afterthought.
"I dated her for a while, until I realized that just because she was
seeing me didn't mean she wasn't also working as a prosti Anna didn't
Want to hear any more about it.  She was sorry shed ever asked.

"I'm sorry, Jason," she said, knowing the words weren't going to do
anything to dispel the memories shed roused.

"Don't be."  He filtered a fistful of sand through his fingers.  "It
was a long time ago.  And hey, for a kid with adolescent hormones,
great sex isn't anything to scoff at."

"That's some castle!"  A young couple strolling down the beach stopped
beside them, interrupting just as Anna was getting jealous of a
seventeen-year-old memory.

"One of her more basic attempts," Jason said.

The girl leaned down, marveling at the nooks and crannies.  "Basic!
She's an artist!"

Anna dug her moat a little deeper, hating the attention shed
inadvertently drawn to herself.

"Gee, lady, you're good!"  a little boy said.  One by one, people of
all ages came over, little kids who wanted to make a castle, too, their
parents, assorted couples, several teenagers, even an old codger down
on the beach with his metal detector, looking for Lord only knew what
kind of treasure.  But they all had one thing in common--shared
amazement at Anna's creation.

Jason being Jason struck up a conversation with just about every one of
them as they wandered over.  Anna, feeling tongue-tied and
uncomfortable, marveled again at his charm, his talent for making
people feel at ease.

Embarrassed by the continued attention, she finally suggested they
break out the lunch he'd brought along.  But before they opened the
cooler, she insisted on moving as far down the beach as she could get
from the castle shed made.

"I had no idea I was going to cause such a stir," she said.  Looking
back at it, she couldn't help but be proud of her work.  She really was
good.  She'd had no idea.

"I did."."

"I've done this before, huh?"  she asked.  She should have known
something was up by Jason's reaction when shed first sat down in the
sand.

"Your sand sculptures have won prizes," Jason said, helping her to
spread their blanket.

Anna laughed.  "Get out of here."

"Kids used to knock on your door just to ask you to come out and play
in the sand."

She froze, her hand half in and half out of the

cooler.  She couldn't tell if he was pulling her leg or not, and it
was suddenly important to her that he wasn't.  For the first time since
shed awoken in this nightmare, she was discovering something about
herself that she liked--a lot.  She wanted to be the kind of person
little kids knocked on the door to play with.

"Did I?"  she asked.

"Of course."

Satisfied, feeling better than she had in days, she tucked her sandy
damp 'dress beneath her and sat down to lunch.

She'd discovered a talent.  She'd made a sand castle.  She'd had fun.

CHAPTER NINE

BEDRAGGLED BUT SMILING, Anna climbed the steps to her apartment late
that afternoon, meeting Maggie in the hallway.

"Looks like you had a day at the beach," Maggie said, pointing at
Anna's damp and sandy dress.  In spite of the bathing suit she had on,
shed never taken the dress off.  She'd been too aware of Jason's
half-naked body to be comfortable undressing with him so near, and too
self-conscious of the fact that, though she wasn't yet showing, there
was a baby growing inside her.  She'd also seen that look in his eyes
again.

"Jason took me," Anna said, smiling shyly at the other woman.  She'd
told Maggie about her amnesia when they'd met the day before, and also
about Jason's rescue of her from nowhere land.

"You guys have dinner?"  Maggie's short curls bobbed as she spoke,
giving the impression that she was always on the move.

"No."  Anna felt her stomach rumble even as she said the word.  She may
not feel pregnant yet, other than the occasional bouts of nausea, but
she was hungry enough for two.  "I imagine Jason had a date."

Maggie grinned.  "It's so cool that you know him," she said.

Anna nodded, a little uncomfortable with Maggie's brash way, not sure
how to respond.  But she welcomed the woman's friendliness just the
same.  Especially when again faced with a lonely Saturday night of
trying not.  to picture Jason with another woman.  Anna and Jason spent
days together.  Never nights.  She assumed he had less platonic ways to
spend his evenings off than with a pregnant, confused family friend.

"So how about dinner?  I made spaghetti and there's plenty," Maggie
offered.

Anna shook her head instinctively and then stopped.  "I'd like that,"
she said.  "If it won't be too much of a bother."

"No bother at all.  I'd love the company."

THE TWO HAD DINNER together twice more that next weel Once at Anna's.
The other time at Maggie's.  Maggie wanted to began actress and waited
tables four nights a week to make ends meet while she spent her days
traipsing from one audition to the next.  Anna didn't see what Maggie
saw in her, a woman with no past and feared sometimes that the only
thing that kept Maggie coming back was pity.  And yet Maggie's
friendship felt genuine.

"Do you know if I was dating anyone?"  Anna asked Maggie the following
Thursday night.  They were sitting in Maggie's apartment, and though
she itched to tidy up some of the clutter, Anna liked being at her
friend's place.

Maggie nodded, helping herself to another piece of the pepperoni pizza
they'd ordered.  "You mentioned having a date once or twice."

Suddenly not hungry, Anna asked, "Did you ever see the guy?"

"Yeah."  Maggie frowned.  "Once.  I'm not even sure if it was the same
guy each time.  I just assumed it was.  You weren't quite as easy to
get to know back then."

"From what I can tell, I was a really private person," Anna admitted.
"I'm not really sure how to go about the friend thing."

Except that she knew she wanted Maggie's friendship.  She looked
forward to their evenings together, to having another woman around to
talk to, laugh with.

"Relax."  Maggie grinned.  "You're doing fine."

"WHAT DO YOU DO during the day?"  Maggie asked on Wednesday of the
following week.  They'd gone to a deli around the comer for dinner and
were on their way back to the brownstone.

"I walk in Gramercy Park."  She might have hated her apartment, but she
adored the gated park, shed discovered, which was for residents' use
only.  "And I read a lot."  Hearing herself, Anna was embarrassed by
how boring her life must.  seem to her actress friend.

"That's all?  I'd go nuts."  Ever dramatic, Maggie rolled her eyes and
pressed a hand to her chest.

Anna supposed to someone like Maggie it sounded like a prison sentence,
but to Anna, this

time was a gift; she could feel herself growing stronger with every
day that passed--although she suspected it wouldn't be long before she
was going to have to find something to do.  One could only sit around'
getting strong for so long.  Then you had to do something with that
strength.  Trouble was, she had no idea what she wanted to do.  What
she could do.  Other than sew--and build sand castles.  She didn't want
to sew, and building castles was a bit difficult in the city.

"I also see Jason," she said, hating that she was actually trying to
win Maggie's approval with the admission.  It was more important that
she approve of herself.

"Now that I could handle."  Maggie grinned.  "You guys an item yet?"

A'a laughed, embarrassed.  "Of course not."

"Why not?  He's gorgeous.  You're gorgeous.  A match made in heaven."

"I'm pregnant."  Anna couldn't believe it when she just blurted the
words.

Maggie stopped in her tracks, stating open-mouthed at Anna.
"Pregnant?"

Anna nodded, watching her.  friend, wishing shed kept quiet.  But she
was going to be starting to show soon, and if she planned to continue
this friendship,

Maggie was going to have to know.

"How?"

Anna shrugged.  "The usual way, I suppose," she' said, echoing words
shed heard from Dr.  Gordon.

"You mean you don't remember?"  Maggie's

eyes widened, her New York accent more pronounced than usual.  "It
happened before...?"

Nodding again as Maggie's words trailed off, Anna started walking
again.  Maggie followed.

"Then you don't know who the father is?"  Maggie asked, turning to
watch Anna.

It sounded so horrible the way Maggie said it.

Anna shook her head.

"Wow."

Exactly.  But at least now Maggie knew.

"So how often you seeing Jason?"  Maggie asked a few moments later.

"Almost every day."

Maggie stumbled.  "You're kidding!"

"It's nothing, really," Anna said.  But it was.  She cherished every
moment of her time with Jason.  "We're just doing the tourist bit.
He's only been in this city three months and with the new job and all
hasn't done any sight-sing yet.  And it's not like I remember any of it
even if I have seen it."

"You're touring the city with him and you call that nothing?"  Maggie
screeched.  "You know how much I'd give for one lunch with someone like
him?"  She clearly thought Anna needed.  some brain readjustment.  ff
only.  she knew.  Anna was glad to see their brownstone just up
ahead.

"It's completely platonic."  if you didn't count the way her body had a
mind of its own every time she was with Jason.

Maggie harrumphed.  "Mayhe you simply haven't figured out yet that he's
nuts about you.  A guy

doesn't spend that much time with a girl unless he wants in her
pants."

"Maggie!"  After several days in Maggie's company Anna was still
sometimes shocked by the other woman's New York bluntness.  "And he's
not nuts about me," she said.  He couldn't he.  Period.  "He's just a
friend.  I think he feels sorry for me."

"Real sorry," Maggie said sarcastically.  "Has he asked you up to his
place yet?"  Her question was accompanied by a sly lift of her
eyebrows.

"I lived there for three days."

"I mean since then," Maggie said with exasperation.

"No.  And he doesn't come to my place, either," Anna said before Maggie
could ask.  "We go out in public, in broad daylight.  That's the way
one tours the city,"

"lust walt," Maggie said.  "He'll ask you up to see his etchings."

"Trust me, he saves his etchings for other women, Maggie.  I never even
see him after two or three in the afternoon."

Maggie gave a disappointed sigh.  "Have it your way."

"It's the way it is."  The way it had to stay.

"So what's he like?"  Maggie asked, stepping sideways to avoid a little
boy on a bicycle.

Anna smiled.  "I don't know... Charming.  Intelligent.  Nice."

"You go out with a man like that and you call him nice?"

Anything else she might see in Jason she couldn't

admit to herself, let alone Maggie.  "He/s nice,."  He was still
taking pity on her, wasn't he?  Although, if she was to be honest,
there'd been more than one time since that night in his apartment when
his interest in her had seemed like anything but pity.  There was that
peculiar look in his eyes... "He's also to-die-for gorgeous, every inch
male--even his eyes can knock you for a loop if you let them."

So Maggie had noticed.  "He's just a friend, okay?"  Anna couldn't
think of him as anything else.  To do so would be emotional suicide.
If not now, then certainly when she regained her memory of the man
whose child she carried.

"And he takes yon out every day?"

"Not every day, but a lot."  Anna was growing more and more
uncomfortable with Maggie's questions.  "We're seeing Manhattan one
block at a time."

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"  Maggie said suddenly, stopping
at the steps of their brownstone.

"Of course not!"  Hadn't Maggie been listening?  "I'tn not, Maggie,"
she added When her friend still looked unconvinced.  "We're just
friends."

"Well, if yon're not in love with him, yon should be."  Maggie
persisted.  "Take a chance, girl A relationship with that man would
be.../ncomparab/e."

Somehow Anna knew that, her lack of anything to compare it to
notwithstanding.  But that changed nothing.  "Maggie, I'm pregnant."

"So?"

"So, the baby's not Jason's."  "Does he know?"
"Of course."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that there's a man out there I don't remember right
now, but who I loved enough to make a baby with."

"Maybe.  Maybe not."

Anna prayed every day that shed loved her baby's father.  She didn't
want to be the type 'of woman who'd get pregnant for any other reason.
If she hadn't loved the man... The very thought terrified her.  Because
if she hadn't loved the man, she could be carrying the child of a creep
like Roger.  Or a man who'd forced her... "Besides, what would Jason
want with someone like me?"  she asked, wishing shed just stayed home
that night.  She'd really been having a good day.

"Have you looked in the mirror lately, girl?"  Maggie asked.  "You're
nuts if you don't try to make it with this guy."

And suddenly, as much as Anna loved having her new friend around, she
felt the strongest urge to turn and run.  To get as far away from
Maggie as she could go.  Her chest felt tight, every breath a struggle
as, standing outside in the balmy New York evening, walls started
closing in on her.

She couldn't let herself be talked into something she felt was wrong.
She had to make her own decisions.  Even if it meant that Maggie didn't
want to be her friend anymore.

And as for what Maggie'd suggested, what kind of man would Jason be if
he was willing to settle for someone like her?  Someone who came to
him, not only memory less but pregnant with another man's child?

A man who didn't love her, that was what he'd be.  Because with the way
he'd grown up, never coming first in his parents' lives, there was no
possibility he was going to allow himself to settle for second place
again.  And second place was all she had to offer.

WAITING TO DRIVE at: ross the Verrazano Narrows Bridge onto Staten
Island Saturday morning, Jason smiled to himself.  Life had a way of
slipping in surprising little twists and turns that made the impossible
almost seem possible.  He would never have believed a month ago that
he'd be joining a queue of summer tourists with Anna at his side.  He
wouldn't have believed shed ever be at his side again, period

As usual she was wearing one of her lightweight, sexy-as-hell dresses,
though one Jason had never seen before---something she must have picked
up on one of the shopping expeditions shed told him about.  He approved
of her choice.  The colors were bolder than she usually wore. So many
little changes.

"I saw Dr.  Gordon yesterday," she said, her long hair wind-tousled.
"His wife had her baby last weekea little boy.  Both are home and doing
fine."  "Good for them!"  Jason tried to inject the same

enthusiastic note he'd heard in Anna's voice into his own, in spite of
the surprising flash of jealousy that flared in him.  So the doctor and
his wife shared something he and Anna didn't share--a child.  The best
of both of them in one package.  He could almost picture the little
towhead he and Anna would have had.  But it wasn't to be.  Still, he
had more today than he'd had a month ago.  It should be enough.

"So what did he have to say about you?"  "He stole a sideways
glance."

"He says my confidence is growing."

"It is."  Three weeks ago Anna had relied on him for everything.

The sun highlighted the gold in her hair.  "I asked him about calling
Abby."

Jason froze.  So the bond the triplets shared was reaching her even
now?

"What'd he say?"  Not yet.  He wasn't ready yet.  "That to rock the
boat at this point could very well cause a setback," she reported.  "He
still says it's best if I remember on my own."

"And he's confident you will?"

Anna stared straight ahead as Jason inched his Jag closer to the
bridge.  "Absolutely.  According to him all these little things coming
back are just the beginning?"

"Like the sand castle."

"Yeah."  She Paused, frowning.  "You know, I, had the oddest sensation
last night, almost like a memory, but it wasn't that tangible."

"A feeling?"

He wanted so badly for her to remember their love.  And dreaded the
day when she did.  He didn't really hold out any hope that he and Anna
would ever be together again.  So much more than her sister stood
between them now.

"Yes, a feeling--that describes it as well as any thing," she finally
said.

"What happened?"

"Maggie was nagging me and suddenly I got really claustrophobic."  Anna
was still frowning, still watching the traffic inching ahead of them "I
mean, I really resented her for a minute there.  I enjoy Maggie's
company a lot, but I've got to make my own decisions."

If only the old you could hear yourself now, my love.

"There's nothing wrong with that."  Jason pulled the Jag closer to the
suspension bridge.

She shrugged.  "I don't know, maybe I overreacted, but I've got
precious little control over anything right now.  At least let me
control my decisions."

"You're not overreacting, Anna.  It's just like Dr.  Gordon said.
Trusting yourself means trusting your own decisions."

"You're right, of course."  She twisted in the seat to face him.  "And
a good.  friend.  Thanks."

Hold that thought, he urged silently.  He wasn't so sure how happy she
was going to be with him when she remembered everything.

"You know, it's odd," she said a few minutes

later.  "But lately I've been more at peace with my amnesia."

"Yeah?"  So she was okay with this, too, the two of them living in the
here and now, in their own little world?

"It's just that when I get these feelings, they're so strong, you know?
I didn't simply not appreciate Maggie's nagging.  I had to physically
restrain my-serf from running away from her.  For a second there I
thought I might pass out or something."

Looking her over carefully, Jason asked, "Do you feel okay now?"

"Of course.  Fine."  She brushed her hair back from her face.  "But it
makes me think that maybe I do need this time to heal from whatever
happened.  The intensity of some of my reactions scares me."

"You're afraid of remembering."?"  Oh, Anna, /f only I really knew the
extent of our problem here.  If only !  had all the answers.

She looked away, out her' side of the car.  "Some Thankful for the
traffic that kept them at a standstill, Jason turned her to face him,
holding her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him.  "That's
nothing to be ashamed of, Anna."

He could see the tears welling in her eyes as she searched his gaze.
Relaxing his hold, he moved his thumb along her jaw, needing to kiss
her more right then than at any other time he could remember.  "Thank
you," she whispered.

"For what?"  Wanting to kiss her senseless?  "Knowing me so well."

Oh.  That.  I her oher life shed bee able to read him just as clearly.
"It's the truth, Anna.  Fear is natural."

"Are you ever afraid?"

Her eyes implored him for the truth, looking for reassurance.
Dumbstruck, Jason sat there staring at her.  He used to be afraid
sometimes, back when he still counted on his parents to be parents.  He
could remember being at a football game, afraid as the quarters went by
that his father wasn't going to make it to see him play again.  Afraid
that he'd go to his mother's house, after four days at his father's,
only to find he'd lost his bedroom.  But sleeping on couches hadn't
been so bad, and that was all so long ago, back when he'd depended on
other people for his happiness.

And fear?

He continued to stare at her--until a horn sounded behind him.  Jerking
away from Anna, he put the car in gear and shot forward.  He was
con-cemed.  Concerned shed remember everything.  Concerned she
wouldn't.  Concerned about the baby she carried, about the man who'd
fathered it.  Concerned she was going to see his own misrepresentation
of their relationship as a betrayal, in spite of the doctor's advice.
Because parts of him saw it that way, himself.  Concerned he'd never
again be able to hold her in his arms, lose himself within her honeyed
depths.  Concerned he'd never be home again.  That he'd carry the ache
of her loss with him to his grave.  Yeah, he was concerned.

He was not afraid.

CHAPTER TEN

STATEN ISLAND deserved better.  Its beautiful shorelines, magnificent
rolling hills sprinkled with grand homes, and miles of trails waiting
to be explored didn't receive even a tenth of Jason's attention.  He
was too distracted by Anna's nearness.  They visited Conference House,
a stone manor that had served as the only site of a Revolutionary War
conference.  But while noteworthy, if one cared to take notes, the
Revolutionary War was far in the distant past--and Anna Was the
present.

He took her through historic Richmond Town, visited the Staten Island
Institute of Arts and Sciences and debated with her about the exhibits,
comparing them to pieces they'd seen at the Museum of Modern Art
earlier in the week.  He was challenged by her thinking, pleased with
her new openness--telling him what she thought rather than leaving him
to guess--and entranced by her laughter.  At her request, he walked
with her through innumerable gift shops.  She pointed out trinkets,
commented on likenesses to things they'd seen, bought a deck of cards.
All he saw was Anna.  All he heard was Anna.  All' he wanted was
Anna.

And she wanted him, too.  He'd been her lover for

almost two years, her friend before that.  He knew when Anna was
turned on.

They toured the Alice Austen House Museum that afternoon and then it
was time to go home, to get away from Anna before darkness spread over
the city, cloaking them in its intimacy.  To avoid temptation.

"Let's stay for dinner," he heard himself say, instead, as they climbed
back into the car.

After a full day of being with Anna, Jason wasn't ready to reenter the
real world, temptation be damned.  "I saw a pamphlet back there."  He
indicated the cottage that housed the pioneer photography collection
they'd just viewed.  "It advertised waterfront dining just a few miles
from here."

Anna stopped, her seat belt pulled oit but not yet fastened.  "Don't
you have a date?"

The question sounded so wrong coming from her.  "No."

"Why not?  It's Saturday night."

Because, after a two-year commitment to her, one he'd expected to last
forever, he had no desire for other women.  "Never got around to
asking."

She studied him closely.  "But you are dating someone, right?"

For a woman who wanted him, she was doing a damn good job of convincing
him she didn't.  "No,

Anna, I'm not currently dating anyone."

"But you have to be!"

He vasn't sure it was panic he heard in her voice until he turned and
read it in her eyes loud and clear.  Just then a family walked by the
convertible, staring

at them; Anna looked down at, her lap.  Starting the Jaguar, Jason
roared out of the parking lot and sped along Hylan Boulevard past the
Gateway National Recreation Area, turning off at the first semiprivate
cove he found along the shore.  He stopped the car and stared out at
the ocean.

"Now, you want to tell me why I have to be dating?"  he asked.

Anna hadn't said a word since he'd left Austen House.  She still
didn't.

His gut mined hard as a rock when he saw the hunted expression on her
face.  Reaching over, he took her hand.  "Anna?"

"You get this look in your eyes sometimes."  Her 'words were a mere
whisper on the ocean breeze.

He waited for her to continue, fully aware she hadn't pulled her hand
out of his grasp.

"I recognize the look, Jason."  Her own eyes burned with heat.  Shit.
"And?"

She gazed at him, shook her head and got out of the car.  A breeze from
the ocean whipped her dress up, swirling the thin material about her
thighs, reminding Jason of the first time he'd seen her.  As then, he
had no choice but to follow her.  Down the small copse to the beach
beyond.

But the laughter that had been in her eyes when he caught up with her
that first time was nowhere to be found now.  Sandals in hand, she just
kept walking, her face a mask.

"I feel like such a fool," she said.

"Why?"  He was the one making a royal mess of things.  He had the
facts.  He knew better.

"Because if I'm wrong..."  She stopped walking, turning to look at him.
"Except I'm not, am I?"

He shook his head.  "I want you, Anna, if that's what you mean."

Looking away, she started to walk again, silently.  Jason could only
keep pace with her, waiting, watching.  She had to make the
decisions.

"Why now?"  she asked suddenly.  "Why not when I knew you before?"

Okay, Dr.  Gordo What now?  "I can't answer that, Anna," he said,
carefully weighing his words.  She was going to remember their past
someday--along with today.  "Except to say that I see things in you now
that weren't there before."

"What things?"

"You're more independent," he said, strolling slowly beside her on the
deserted stretch of beach,

the late mete moon bringing a chill to the air.  "Really?"  She seemed
pleased.

"Really."  He smiled at her.  "And stronger, too."  "I don't feel very
strong."

Grabbing hold of her hand, Jason stopped her, reaching up to brush her
hair back from her face, his hand lingering on the softness of her
cheek.

"Is it so very wrong to admit that we're attracted to each other?"  be
asked.

Winning her heart a second time hadn't been what he'd had in mind at
all, but what kind of fool would turn his back on this chance?

Jason withstood her gaze as she stared up at him.

He wanted her.  She wanted him.  And for now, he and she were all that
existed.

"Yes," she finally said, breaking eye contact with him.  She took his
hand and held it against her cheek.

"It's very wrong, Jason."

"Why?"

She dropped his hand and continued her trek up the beach.  "You know
why."

She wasn't talking about her amnesia.  "Because you're pregnant."

"That's a start."

"I'm sure you're not the first pregnant woman to have a romance."

Dropping her sandals, Anna plopped down in the sand, scooping Up a
handful and letting it run through her fingers.  "And when my memory
comes back?"  she asked, her voice stronger, bitter.  "What if I
discover I love someone else?"

"And what if you don't?"

He sat down beside her, and took her hand.  "Anna, would it help if I
tell you that I won't hold you to anything?  That you call all the
shots?  That if, once you remember, you choose someone else, I won't
stand in your way?"

The longing in her eyes as she stared silently up at him was all it
took.  All reasoning, all conscience vanished.  With the familiarity of
having loved her before, he lowered his mouth to hers.

ANNA WAS LOST at the touch of his lips.  He felt so right in a world
that had been nothing but wrong.  Her mouth opened to his
automatically, as if possessing .a mind of its own.  And because her
body seemed to know exactly what to do when she hadn't a clue, she
listened to it.

Easing her back onto the sand, Jason moved over her, sliding one leg
between hers, molding their bodies to a perfect fit, his lips caressing
hers all the while.

Like a starved woman, Anna returned kiss for kiss, finding in Jason's
arms everything shed been looking for--a sense of home, and a strength
beyond anything shed ever be able to muster on her.  own Fire, too.
Fire that ignited a matching flame in her veins.  One that threatened
to consume her if she didn't have more of him.

His hands, never still, caressed her body, pleasuring her in ways shed
never imagined until finally, blissfully, they found her breasts.  Not
just cupping them, as shed longed for so many times over the past
weeks, but moving back and forth, back and forth across her hardened
nipples, sending shock waves of sensation through her.

"So perfect," he whispered against her lips, continuing to torture
first one breast and then the other with his light caresses, only
ceasing when Anna arced her body, pressing his hand more firmly against
her aching breast.

"So full," he said.

Anna fell back to the sand, turning her head, breaking the kiss,
pushing him away with both hands.  Yes, they were full.  Fuller than
normal, or so' shed been told.  Because she was pregnant.

"Ana?"  Jasou's voice sounded &-ugged, or as if it came from far off.
"What's wrong, honey?"

"I'm sorry," she said when she could speak.  Rolling away, she sat up a
few feet from him, hugging her knees to her throbbing breasts.

It took him a minute.  She saw his struggle, saw the cords in his nk
tense as he tried to compose himself.  Eventually he, too, sat up, his
hands on his knees as he stared silently out at the ocean.

"Did you remember something?"  he finally asked, his voice level,
resigned.

Not in the way he probably meant.  "Yes."

He flinched, but gave no other indication that he'd heard her,
strengthening Anna's resolve to let things go no further between them.
Because Jason wasn't going to protect his heart.  With his eternal
optimism he would enter into the relationship with high hopes.  But if
the worst happened, if she suddenly remembered another man, one who
already had her undying love, Jason would simply allow her to walk away
from him.

Even though he knew that doing o Would kill him.

"I remembered the baby," she said.  She owed him complete honesty.  ff
they were going to salvage their friendship, one that had become as
essential to her as the air she breathed, they had to talk openly about
this.

"And his father?"  Jason asked, still deadpan, still gazing at the
ocean.  if he hoped to convince her h& didn't care, he'd failed
miserably.  Or maybe it was himself he was trying to convince.  One
thing was

clear, he wasn't going to try to urge her to forget whatever it was
shed remembered.

"No, Jason."  She shook her head.  "Just the fact that I'm pregnant."

He looked at her then, relief in his eyes.  "That's all?"

Nodding, Anna gave him a sad smile.  "I don't know what I did in the
past, Jason, but the person I am today, the person I'm learning to live
with, the person I have to like, can't make love without commitment,"

"I don't have a problem with making a commitment he said.

"I know."

He shifted over until his thigh pressed against hers in the sand.  "So
what's the problem?"

"I can't make any commitments, Jason," she said, not bothering to hide
her pain from him.  At least it told him she cared.  "Until I know what
promises I've already made, I'm not free to make any more."

He didn't move away.  Didn't move at all.  Just sat staring out at the
ocean.

"I'll understand if you'd like to take me back to Manhattan and forget
you ever knew me."

He was silent so long she wasn't sure he was even still listening to
her.  Not that she blamed him.  All shed done was take, take, take
since he'd first walked into her hospital room.  Strength, money, peace
of mind, time.  He'd given them all freely.  And she had nothing to
give in return.

"No chance of getting naked, huh?"  His outrageous words dropped into
the silence and suddenly Anna felt giddy with relief.  He was going to
get them through this.

"None," she lied.

"Then my next choice is dinner on the waterfront."

"But what about--"

"Anna," Jason interrupted, taking her hand, "look at me."

She did.  When he gazed at her like that; she couldn't look anywhere
else.

"I understand, and it's okay," he said, enunciating every word.  "When
your memory returns, we'll have this discussion again.  Until then,
I'll wait."

Her eyes wet with tears, she touched his sweet handsome face.  "What
did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Someday, when I have you in my arms, I'll tell you."

She prayed that someday shed be able to take him up on his offer.

CAlLeD AB much later that night.  He'd finally dropped Anna off
sometime past midnight; walking her to her door but not asking to come
inside.  It wouldn't have taken much to get her to acquiesce and, once
inside, to bed her.  But then he'd have been as bad as Abby, overriding
Anna's decision with his own.  He had no choice but to respect her
judgment.  But damn, doing the right thing felt like hell.

All things considered, they'd had a great evening, almost like the old
days--laughing, simply enjoying

being together.  Being able to feast his eyes openly on her had
helped.  There was more honesty in their relationship now.  And for the
time being, he could live with that.  Was determined to have this
chancemand to be prepared to walk away.

Abby's phone rang so long he was ready to hang up, a bit relieved to
see that Abby had found something to do with her Saturday evening
besides sit at home.

"Hello?"

The voice that answered, just as he was putting the receiver down,
barely resembled his old friend.  "Abby?"  he asked, frowning.
"Yes?"

"Am I interrupting something?"  Did Abby have a man there?  Wonder of
wonders, He'd never known the oldest Hayden girl to bring a man home.
"No.  I'm just sitting here."  "Alone?"  "Yeah."

Oh.  "Something good on the tube?"  He remembered some cozy evenings
back when Audrey was alive.  Abby would make popcorn and coerce
every-one to sit down and watch some show or Other she was sure they'd
all enjoy.  And they usually had.

"You working up something spectacular to introduce in the fall?"  He
wasn't sure how Abby kept coming up with ideas for her children's-wear
designs fast enough to keep her growing clientele happy.."  "No.  Just
sitting."

"Anna saw the doctor yesterday."

"And?"  She sounded almost afraid to ask.  Suddenly Jason wondered if
he and Anna weren't the only ones frightened of her memory.

"He's happy with her progress, her growing confidence."

There was another long pause and then, "How is she, Jason?"

"She misses you."

"Oh, God, I miss her, too..."  And that was When Jason heard the tears
Abby had been trying to hide.  She'd been sitting in that cottage on
the beach all alone on a Saturday night, crying.

Mlmn'Es after hanging up the phone Jason was still sitting on his couch
in the dark--his thoughcs far from pleasant.  While he'd been convinced
that Anna would only be free to live a full life if she could separate
her identity from Abby's, he'd also honestly believed that in the long
run Abby, too, was going' to be happier.  He was no longer so sure.

Hell, what did he know?  He'd never been a part of a relationship of
the sort Abby, Anna and Audrey had shared from birth.  Had never really
been part of a family.

Maybe being together was the way the sisters were meant to be, the only
way they could be happy.  Maybe there was a greater reason.  for their
multiple.  birth than simple genetics, a connection stronger than
physical resemblance and blood ties.  A con-neet ion beyond
understanding.

A connection that threatened him more than anything else in his
life.

He'd been so sure that he'd had all the answers, that he knew exactly
what the problems were between Anna and him.  But.  looking hack now,
he was seeing something else.  Something that sickened him.  Could he
possibly have been jealous of the closeness Anna shared with her
sisters?  Had his New York job offer merely been an excuse to make her
choose, once and for all, between her sisters and him?  Had he been so
shallow, so immature?

God, he hoped not.

And if he had?  And Anna had seen through his righteous indignation to
the selfish man beneath?  And Anna remembered?

Breaking out in a cold sweat, Jason dropped to the floor.  One.  Two.
Three...

CHAPTER ELEVEN

JASON WAS ON THE PHONE firSt.  thing the next morning, Sunday or no. He
couldn't wait anymore..  He had to know what he was up against.  He had
to find the father of Anna's child.

She may have to remember on her own, but nothing said be couldn't find
out in the meantime.  Not only would he be better prepared to help her
deal with the memory, especially if it was distressing, but he, too,
would be better protected.  Knowledge was power And Jason needed all
the power he could get.

Calling his contacts in California, as well as the fact-finding sources
he'd encountered since coming to New York, felt good.  Right.  At least
he was doing something.  He couldn't fight what be didn't know.  And he
planned to fight.

Unless it turned out that Anna truly loved the man who'd fathered her
child just weeks after Jason moved out of her life.  In that case he'd
walk.  A

thing much easier done sooner than later.

Again, he had to know.

He also put down a retainer on one of New York's best private
investigatorS.  If anyone could find ou who Anna Hayden had been
sleeping with, Smith Whitehall could.  A Harvard graduate, the man
not

only knew how to turn up dirt in a bottle f glass cleaner, he was
smart.

And then Jason set out himself, visiting all the places he would expect
Anna to visit upon arriving in New York, showing her picture around,
asking questions.  He'd have sent out an all-points bulletin on the
evening news if he could have found a way to do so without humiliating
Anna.

"Yeah, I've seen her," a clerk in a bookstore close to Gramercy Park
told Jason late Sunday afternoon.  "Not lately, though."

"Was she ever with anyone?"  Jason asked casually, his heart pounding.
Say no.  Say yes.  Say she didn't love hint

"Nope."  The clerk shook her head.  "Always came in alone.  Always
bought a lot of books, though.  Fiction, but nonfiction, too.
Art-history stuff.  I suppose she could've been buying for two."

Nodding, Jason thanked the clerk and walked out.  He was getting
nowhere.  New Yorkers were a tough bunch to crack, too concerned about
their own backs to notice other people.  He'd spent an entire day
traipsing the town for nothing.  An entire day he could have spent with
Anna.

Shit.  He was losing it, big time.  And all for a woman who'd already
sent him out of her life once.  Once home, Jason changed into cotton
shorts and a T-shirt, grabbed his racquetball gear and headed for the
club.  He'd stay until midnight if that was how long it took to beat
some sense into himself.

He knew bet mr than to look to anyone else for his personal happiness,
to need to be the most ira port ant person in another's life.  Knew
all the inherent dangers of doing so firsthand.  Had, as a boy, lived
with the fear of rejection as his constant companion.  He wasn't going
to be afraid again.  Not ever.

ANNA INVITED MAGGIE to go secondhand-clothes shopping Tuesday evening.
She'd seen Jason that day and was too restless to be content with her
own company.  Being with him was better than everm and worse.  It was
ten times harder to keep her desire under control when she knew he
wanted her, too.

"What do you want with used stuff?."  Maggie asked.  She was sitting on
the only counter in Anna's kitchen eating Anna's last apple.

"It's got character," Anna told her.  Besides which, it was cheap and
she needed some more dresses.  With the baby on the way, Anna was
growing more and more aware of the limits of her bank accounL

"You've already got plenty of character," Maggie said, surprising Anna
with her praise.

"You think so?"

"You might've lost your memory, but even you have to know that much,"
Maggie said.  "And you've got looks, too, dam reit If I didn't like you
so much, I might have to hate you."

"So you'll come?"  Anna asked.

Begrudgingly Maggie followed Anna into three.  different shops,
grumbling when Anna bought exactly what Maggie told her not to buy,
more of her "flower child" dresses as Maggie called them.

"You need some shorts, girl," Maggie said.  "Show off your legs."

"I need dresses," Anna countered.  "To hide my belly."

"No kidding?"  Maggie-looked at the part of Anna's anatomy in question.
"You're starting to show?"

"I don't know.  I'm three months along and I'm starting to look
bloated.  It's embarrassing."

Maggie laughed.  "What're you gonna do when you're big as an
elephant?"

"Don't," Anna groaned.  "Let me get used to bloated, first."  And let
her not think about four or five months down the.  road Who knew where
shed be then, who shed be, or with whom.  It scared her witless every.
time she thought about it.  So she tried not to.

"I sure wish I knew what I used to do," she complained to Maggie on the
walk home.  "I'm getting restless."

"Which means you're getting better," Maggie said, "You've got that
computer on your dresser--can you type?"  she asked.  "You could get a
part time job as a secretary or receptionist or something.  Lord knows
you have the looks for it."

"Tm not even sure how to turn the thing on," Anna admitted.  And she
hadn't wanted to admit to Jason yet another failure, another thing she
no longer knew.  Plain and simple, shed been too proud to ask for
help.

"Even I know that much," Maggie said over her

ghoulder as they climbed the steps of the brownstone.  "Come on,
together we can figure it out."

O E MAC, Gm HAD the laptop open and on, Anna suddenly took it from
there.  There were no conscious memories, but she knew how to move
about in the first couple of programs fairly well.  She spent the rest
of that evening fooling around with the computer, surprised to find how
many things she just automatically knew to do.

She'd just discovered her personal financial file the next morning when
the telephone rang.  Assuming it was Jason, she grabbed it up on the
first ting.

"Hi!"  she said.  She couldn't wait to tell him that she had an account
in a bank in California with enough money to see her through a couple
of years, baby expenses included.  Then shed have to go to work.  But,
God willing, by then shed have regained her memory.

"Hello, yourself, sexy lady."

Anna froze, wanting to drop the phone back in its cradle and pretend
shed never picked it up.  But as horrified as she was to hear Roger on
the other end of the line, she had to know why he was calling her.  Was
he going to claim his child?  Expect visitation tights?

"What do you want?"

"You know my voice," he said a little less enthusiastically.  "Does
this mean you've recovered from your unfortunate affliction?"

He made her sound like some kind of half-witted freak.  "My memory
hasn't returned yet."

"It's been three weeks and one day since you were so naughty and ran
out on me, Anna.  Are you ready to kiss and make up?"  His voice was
oiled with sickening-innuendo.  "I promise to take good care of you."

"Never."

"I see you've still got a lot to learn, Anna.  Lovers' tiffs aren't
meant to last forever.  Come back to work, let me take care of you, and
you won't have to worry your pretty little head anymore."

"Never," she repeated.  Still fighting-the urge to slam the phone down,
Anna hung on.  Did he know about the baby?  Surely, if he was the
father, shed have told him about the baby.  The woman she was now
certainly would have.

"But, Anna, it's summer!  We can go to the beach," he said, as if
coaxing a child.  "TII take you down the coast, just you and me.  No
one will know about you."  His voice lowered.  "You won't have to use
your mind at all."

Yeah, but she could guess what she would have to use.  She'd rather
die.

"TI!  make you happier than you've ever been," he said confidently, as
if he actually thought there was a chance shed go away with him.

"I'm pregnant, Roger."

"Son of a bitch!  You threatened me with a lawsuit for stealing a
little kiss and here all along you were screwing some other man?"

"I didn't sleep with you?"  Anna asked, almost dizzy with relief.

"You aren't going to pin your bastard on me, you

little bitch.  Other than that one kiss, I never touched you' '

Anna clicked the off button on her mobile phone and laid it calmly
beside her computer.

Two seconds later she picked it back up, dialed automatically and held
her breath, praying he was home.

"Jason?  He's not the father!"  she cried the rnin ute he picked up his
phone.

"Who isn't?"

"Roger.  He called just now.  I never slept with him?"

"Why'd he call?"  Jason didn't seem to be sharing her joy.

"He wanted me to go to the beach with him."

"If he calls again, you let me know," Jason said.  "We:11 get him for
harassment."

As thrilled as she was at the protectiveness in his voice, Anna stomped
her foot.

"Didn't you hear me?"  she practically hollered.  "He's not the baby's
father."

"I didn't think he was, Anna.  You'd never sleep with a jerk like
that."

Anna was grinning when she hung up the phone after promising to be
ready to accompany Jason to lunch in half an hour.  He'd had a lot more
faith in her than shed had herself.  She was damn lucky he'd been in
New York when that subway crashed.

A WEEK PASSED and there continued to be no word on a man in Anna's
life.  Jason hung up from his daily call from Whitehall, frustrated as
hell.  No

news was supposed to be good news.  But in this case, it was still
just no news.  Because it was beyond doubt that somewhere out there was
a man who'd impregnated Anna.  She was starting to show.  Not
obviously, probably not at all to someone who wasn't as intimately
acquainted with her body as he was.  But when he'd slid his arm around
her on their walk through Oramcrey Park the day before, he'd felt the
difference.

It had bothered him so much, this evidence of another man's having
touched her, he'd dropped his arm, then contented himself with simply
holding her hand.  And for the first time since Staten Island, he'd
broken his promise to himself and to her.  He'd kissed her goodbye.  He
hadn't lingered, just a quick peck.  Because he'd had to leave his mark
on her like some macho jerk.  An insecure one at that.  The fact that
shed clung to him made him that much more of a heel.  That kiss hadn't
been about loving.  It had been about jealousy, plain and simple.

so for the fourth time in three days it was back to the gym for him. To
things he could control, things he was good at, things he could count
on.  But for the first time in months he lost a match.

JASON WAS LATE.  Which wasn't all that unusual.  Anna, on the other
hand, had been pacing her small apartment since fifteen minutes before
he was due to arrive.  It was this way a lot recently, her nerves
stretched tight with impatience.  It hadbecn two weeks since the night
shed finally admitted to the restlessness that was slowly consuming
her.  She was

sick and tired of sitting around storing her strength and waiting for
her mind to heal.  She needed something to do.

When Jason called, saying that he'd gotten caught on the phone, that it
would be another forty-five minutes before he'd be by to take her to
Chinatown, she almost snapped at him.

She sat down at her computer, instead.  Jason was a saint, and there
was no way she was going to take her growing tension out on him.  But
shed already played the few games installed on her computer a hundred
times apiece.  She was bored as hell.

Desultorily flipping through the directory of her hard drive, she found
several files she didn't recognize, having really explored only program
files to this point.  She clicked on the first unfamiliar file.  It
contained only a series of unreadable for mating codes.  As did the
second, third and fourth.

She clicked on the fifth file, surprised when her word-processing
program opened up.  What she saw was entirely readable.  And there was
a lot of it, paragraph upon paragraph.  Her heart started pumping
furiously, butterflies swarming in her stomach as she scrolled through
the pages.

She closed her eyes, frightened suddenly, wishing she could turn off
the machine, return to the tedium of sitting and waiting.  Something
safe.  Something she was sure she could do.

But the words continued to flow in her mind,".  words she recognized.
Exciting her, balancing her panic.  She couldn't exit the file,
couldn't turn off

the machine, couldn't get up and walk away.  She had to read.

Starting with the first page, she read every word, knowing some of them
before she read them.  It was a story.  A compelling one.  Of a young
man... And Anna knew this man better than she knew herself.  Knew his
desires and goals.  Knew his fears.  Even his hobbies.  She knew
because shed admired him most of her life.

The pages were the beginning of a book, a biography.  The story of John
Henry Walker, a nineteenth-century New York artist whose tragic life
was filled with triumph.  A man who, orphaned at a young age, grew up
in squalor, an unwantffzi ward of the state.  A man whose first wife
was killed by outlaws, whose baby girl died of tuberculosis.  A gifted
impressionist.  A loving husband, a revered father.  She'd come to New
York to research his story.

She was so engrossed in her reading, she didn't hear Jason's knock on
the apartment door.  Until his knock became a pounding accompanied by
his voice calling her name.

"You won't believe it!"  she cried when she threw open her door.

"Are you okay?"  He looked her over swiftly.

"Better than okay.  Magnificent!  Terrific!  Oh, Jason, I know why I
came to New York!"

His face drained of color and he shut the door behind him.  "You
remembered everything?"  .

"Yes.  No!"  she grabbed his arm, dragging him over to the computer.
"I haven't regained my memory, just a small part of it.  Look!"  she
cried exul-tan fly pointing at the screen.

Jason looked from her to the computer screen and back again, as though
wondering if shed finally flipped her lid completely.  "It's a paper of
some sort," he said.

"It's a book, Jason!"  She could hardly contain her excitement.  This
book was a huge part of her, of who shed been before the accident.  "I
remember writing it!"  She tapped the computer screen.  "This is why I
came to New York!"

"You wrote it?"  he asked, clearly shocked.  "Yep!"  She did have a
worthy endeavor.  "It's about an American artist--an obscure American
artist--named John' Henry Walker.  Some of his work is still on display
here in New York."

"John Henry Walker?"  Jason asked, frowning.  "You had a print of his
hanging in your cottage in California."

Anna was so relieved to hear that she almost cried.  She wasn't losing
her mind.  She was remembering.  "I think I like art."

"You minored in it in college," Jason said.

"I have a college degree?"

Jason's glance was shuttered suddenly, as though he was remembering he
was supposed to be watching what he told her.  "You earned a B.A. in
English," he finally said.

Leaning over, he looked more closely at the words coveting the computer
screen.  "Is this finished

"No."  She shook her head.  "I don't remember

how far I was into it, but judging from the number of pages, it's only
about half-done."

Scrolling through the pages, he asked, "You haven't read it all?"

She grinned, shaking her head again.  "I just found it half an hour
ago."

After reading a couple of paragraphs, Jason went back and read the
first two pages.

"This is really good," he said, turning to look at her.

"You think so?"  She'd thought so, too, but she still put more stock in
his opinion than her own.

Jason straightened, pulling her against him and kissing her full on the
mouth.  "I know so," he said.

As if suddenly realizing what he was doing, where he was, the
temptation that was even now blazing into flames between them, he set
her gently away.  "ff you'd like, I can take a copy of this with me and
print it out for you at the station."

Though she missed his warmth, Anna was too grateful for what shed
discovered to mourn for things she couldn't have.

"Great!  Sure.  if it's not too much trouble," she said, still
practically dancing with excitement.  She couldn't wait to immerse
herself in the life of the man shed admired most of her life.  To read
the whole book, or the finished portion of it, anyway.

Finally she had a little piece of the real Anna Hayden.

THERE WAS A MESSAGE from Smith Whitehall waiting for Jason when he
stopped home to change be fore work that afternoon.  The man had a
lead, was chasing it down and would call back.  Jason flipped off the
machine, the day suddenly bleak.  This was not good news.  And yet it
was the news he'd been waiting to hear.  The question was, was he ready
to hear it?  Was he ready to give Anna up?

But then, how could he give up what he didn't have to begin with?

HAVING OOIE into the station early enough to print out Anna's
manuscript" Jason was sitting on the couch in his
dressing-room-cum-office reviewing the day's stories.

"You're here!"  Sunny came into his office without knocking.  She was
wearing one of the short tight skirts she always wore on the air, her
white silk blouse displaying a fair amount of cleavage.

Jason nodded, continuing to read hoping shed get the hint and leave him
alone.

"What's the occasion?  Lately you've barely gotten here in time to go
on," she said, her tone a little resentful.

"I've been busy, Sunny.  You know that."  He wasn't in the mood for a
showdown with his partner.

"I know."  Her voice softened as she sat down close to him on the
couch--too close.  Running one perfectly manicured finger along his
ann, she laid her head against his shoulder.

It wasn't the first time shed cuddled up to him.  In fact, he'd
probably encouraged the closeness a' time or two.  But it wasn't
enough.  He had to resist the urge to shrug her away from him, to jump
up

off the couch and put as much room between him and Sunny as he could.
He didn't want her touch.  He wanted Anna's.

Still, a small part of him wanted to wrap his arms around Sunny, place
his mouth on hers and ease the ache that had been burning inside him
for weeks.  Maybe even find a moment or two of forgetfulness.

But although she might be able to ease his physical ache, it would only
be momentary.  And the self-loathing that was sure to follow would be
far worse than the original problem.  If all he had was himself, he was
damn sure going to be someone he could be proud of.

"Why don't you come back to my place after the last show tonight?"  she
invited softly.  "Sunny--"

"I'll even make breakfast in the morning," she interrupted.  For Sunny
that was major.  She hated to

"I need to get home tonight."  He had a manuscript to read.

"Why?"  Her finger strayed higher, moving toward his chest "Don't you
think it's time our relationship progressed a little?"

He braced himself against her practiced seduction.  His body had been
too ready for too long not to be tempted by the beautiful woman beside
him.

"We're friends, Sunny.  Good friends.  I never intimated that we'd be
more," he reminded her.

"It's because of that woman you're helping, isn't it?"  she asked,
sounding jealous.

He didn't want to think about Anna.  Thinking

about her only made the ache worse.  The ache Sunny was offering to
ease.  One she wanted to ease.

"I'm not seeing her tonight, if that's what you mean," he said.

"Then why not come home with me?  It's not like you two have anything
going, right?"

He shifted slightly away from her before he threw good judgment to the
wind and drew her onto his lap.  "We're friends."  Unfortunately the
new position had her breast pressing against his arm.

"But you don't owe her anything."

She was right of course.  The person he owed something more to was
himself.  He had to look at himself in the morning.  He wanted to like
what he saw.  And using Sunny for his own selfish release wasn't
something he'd be able to look upon too fondly, no matter how he tried
to rationalize.

"She has nightmares sometimes," he heard himself explaining.  "I told
her she can call--"

"She calls you in the middle of the night?"  Sunny sat up, her eyes
reflecting her hurt as she pushed away from him.

Jason wondered how a face could be so beautiful and make him feel so
uncomfortable at the same time.  "Once or twice."

"So how much longer are you going to be at the beck and call of this
poor family friend?"  she demanded.

All trace of desire fled.  "You make her sound like some dun-willed
hanger-On," he said, biting down on his anger.

"Your words, not mine."

Jason' stood, walking to the door.  "Let's get one thing straight," he
said.  "Every woman should hope to be as smart and courageous as Anna."
He held the door open for Sunny to leave.  "If you can't accept that,
then we have nothing more to say."

Sunny rose--graceful, classy and way too disap* pointed as she walked
slowly toward him.  "You are involved with her, aren't you."

"No," he said.  "Fve just known her a long time, and I admire the heck
out of the way she's handling this whole thing."

But while Sunny seemed to accept his denial for now, Jason wasn't so
easily convinced.  He might not have fallen in love with Anna all over
again, but if his instant defense of her was any indication, he was
starting to care more than he wanted to.  With that in mind and
considering the call from Whitehall that afternoon, he needed to take a
serious look at what he was letting himself in for.

LATE THAT NOHT, after two hours of engrossed page turning, Jason set
Anna's manuscript carefully down on the coffee table in front of him.
She was good.  Better than good.  Anna possessed a talent for pulling
the reader so completely into the story, that Jason actually thought
the man's thoughts, hoped his hopes.

As he put down the manuscript, Anna's earlier words rang in his ears.
She'd come to New York to sell this bookmnot to see him.

' ."XCITED, NERVOUS, a bit frightened, Anna stood outside Jason's
apartment building at nine o'clock the next morning.  She'd.  never
just popped in on him, hadn't really planned to do so now.  But she was
on her way to an ultrasound appointment, and she didn't want to go
alone.

Her fear wasn't logical.  Seeing the child growing within her wasn't
going to tell them anything about the conception.  Still she was
frightened.  She really wanted Jason to go with her.  But could she ask
him to do this?  Considering their encounter on the beach on Staten
Island, was it fair of her to ask?

And yet, considering his willingness to accept her, pregnant and all,
was she really out of line to want him there?

Time continued to tick away, people stared at her as they passed her on
the street, and still she couldn't make up her mind.  Looking around
hr, she noticed a phone booth a couple of buildings down.  She'd call
him.  Should have called him before shed ever left home.

He answered on the fourth ring, and the first thing Anna could tell was
that he'd been asleep.  The second was that he wasn't in the best of
moods, though he did try to cover that up.

"No, Anna, don't apologize," he said quickly.  "I

told you to call me anytime.  Is something wrong?"  He sounded
concerned.  Anna felt a little better.  "Not really," she said.  She
still had an hour before her appointment.  There was time for him to
get dressed and accompany her.  But should she bother him?

"Did you remember something?"

"No."  Should she ask?  Would he want her to?  "I just..."

"What?"  He still sounded sleepy.

"I have an ultrasound appointment this morning.  I just wondered if you
wanted to come along," she said quickly.

"Are you having problems?"  he asked.

"No, not at all.  It's strictly procedure."  This was a bad idea.

"It doesn't hurt, does it?"

Not unless you considered her uncomfortably full bladder.  "No."

"What time's the appointment?"

She heard the hesitancy in his voice.  As if he wanted to come.  And at
the same time didn't.  She should never have called.

"Ten-thirty."

"I'm sorry, honey, but you'll have to go without me," he said.  He
didn't sound sorry remote like relieved.  "I have a meeting at the
station at eleven."

""That's all right, Jason.  It was no big deal," she said, embarrassed,
trying not to feel hurt.  Jason had

already gone above and beyond the call of duty.  She'd been wrong to
expect him to step into the shoes of a man he'd never met, a man who
might very well appear at any time and claim them.  And her.

TIlE LaHT on her answering machine was blinking.  Dropping the bag of
groceries shed carried in, Anna hurried to the machine.  She'd been so
busy Writing the past several days shed hardly seen Jason at all.  She
missed him.  A lot..

Jabbing impatiently at the button, she waited through three beepsato
hear his message, hOPing he wanted to take her to' lunch.  Monday was
broccoli soup day at.  the' dell.  Not only was she lonely, she was
starving, too.

"Hello, Anna dear."  The unfamiliar deep baritone tart led her.  "I'm
sorry to have missed you.  Business is going to keep me here much
longer than I expected.  I'm in Italy this month and part of next, and
then back to London for more meetings."  More than his words, the
regret and genuine affection in the man's voice spoke to Anna.  With
both hands she rubbed the swell of her belly.  "Tn be in touch the
second I'm back in New York, my dear," the voice continued, "with great
hopes you'll still be free to take up where we left off.  Until then,
happy writing."

The machine re-wound, clicking off, and Anna st6od there staring at it.
She had no idea who th man was or where they'd left off.  Remembered
nothing, felt nothing at hearing his voice.  But she

was suddenly, sickeningly afraid he'd fathered a child he knew nothing
about.  By the sounds of things he'd been in Europe awhile.  Possibly
before shed found out that she carried his child?

Oh, God.  Her unattended groceries scattered, the frozen foods melting
on the hardwood floor, Anna sank to her knees and wept.

"You txo: like a rag."

Anna chuckled wanly, taking the chain off her door to admit her friend.
"Thanks, Mag," she said drylY.  "I can always count on you to cheer me
up."

"Hey."  Maggie held up her hands, sauntering over to sprawl on Anna's
couch, her feet resting on the arm.  "You're the one who invited me to
dinner."  But Anna saw the concerned glance her friend gave her on her
way past.  She sat down in the chair at her computer desk, needing the
support for her back.

"You cry when you're preggie and the kid comes out a grouch."  Maggie
grabbed an apple fro TM the bowl on the coffee table that Anna kept
specifically for her.

"There was a message on my machine today from some guy in Europe," Anna
blurted.  "He's there on business and says he hopes we can take up
where we left off."  She had to tell someone, and she couldn't bring
herself to talk to Jason about it.  "I think he might be the father."

Maggie sat up.  "Yeah?  Wow, that's great!"  Anna nodded, wishing she
felt half as excited as

Maggie about the news.  What she felt was a bone-deep dread.

"So you remembered?  Recognized his voice?  Something?"

"No."  As hard as she fought them, tears filled her eyes again.
"Nothing happened, Maggie."

"It's okay, kid."  Maggie's voice was uncharacteristically gentle. "You
know the doc said it'll take time.  When you're ready, you'll remember
this guy."

Anna shook her head.  "I don't want him to be the father of my baby,"
she whispered, ashamed, frightened, as lost as shed felt in the
hospital after the crash.

She needed Jason.

Maggie set her half-eaten apple back in the bowl "So what makes you so
sure this gny's it?"

"He almost has to be, doesn't he?"  She rested her chin on her hands.
"There's nobody else beating down my door."

"Still doesn?  make him the daddy."

No, it didn t. But this man, whoever he was, was the only logical
choice.  She'd apparently been seeing him.  And she was sure she wasn't
the type to date two men at once.

"He must have money if he's got business all over Europe," Maggie
surmised.

"Yeah."  But though Maggie clearly saw this as a plus, Anna didn't
care.

"He's probably that guy I saw you with," Maggie said, frowning.  "He
was always wearing natty suits.  Seemed real important."

"What'd he look like?"  If the man had fat hen her child, she should
at least learn the color of 1 hair.

Maggie shrugged, picking up her apple.  "I thin, dark hair.
Fortyish."

Twelve years older than I ant Seven years ol than JasorOld enough to
have a nearly grown faJ ily of his own.  Maybe past the time in-his
life wh he wanted to start a new family.  She started to c again.

"Buck up, kid.)" Maggie said.  "You don't o the guy anything."

"If he's my baby's father, I do.)"

"That's a big 'if," and no, you don't.  He took for Europe without you,
right?"

Anna nodded.

"And he only hopes you'll be free when makes it back, right?"  Maggie
took another bite apple, chomping contentedly.

Anna nodded again.  It all seemed so ho pele The baby didn't even seem
real yet, and here's was, having to accept a complete stranger as its
ther.

"There you have it, then."  Maggie tossed the pie core in the trash.
"You guys obviously do have a commitment at all."

"We have one big commitment," Anna said, rt bing her stomach.  "He just
may not know about!  yet."

"A baby's a responsibility, Anna, not a comn ment," Maggie said, her
voice more serious the Anna had ever heard.  "Say you get your mem(

back, you remember the guy, the baby's the result of one night with a
little too much champagne, a little too much loneliness---no love.  You
gonna man3, the guy?"

"No."  Surprised at how quickly the answer came to her, Anna suddenly
felt better than she had since shed listened to that wretched message.
No one could force her to do anything she didn't want to do.

"He may not want to marry you, have you thought of that?"  Maggie
tossed out the question.

She hadn't.  Feeling incredibly stupid, Anna realized shed never even
considered the possibilitY that the man wouldn't expect her to marry
him.

Jason's image as he'd kissed her on the beach on Staten Island filled
her mind.  He'd wanted her then, baby and all.  Was it possible that
things could work out for hem?  Someday?

"Of course, when you get your memory back, if it turns out this guy is
the father and you do love him, it's good that he called," Maggie said
cheerily.

Maggie's words plummeted Anna straight back into the depths.  She had
nothing to give to Jason.  Not while there was still a possibilitY she
was in love with a man she couldn't seem to remember.

OTHER THAN BRINGING HER a new printer, reams of paper and extra
diskettes, Jason stayed away from Anna for six days.  Long enough to
win a racquetball tournament at the club and to drink himself into a
celebratory stupor with the guys afterward.  Long enough to convince
Sunny he hadn't fallen in love

with his old family friend.  To gather his defenses about hiTM.  To
drive himself completely crazy with wanting Anna, with worry.

She was pregnant and virtually alone in one of the most dangerous
cities in the world.  And she had no memory of her life prior to the
past seven weeks.

He'd planned to wait until he heard something concrete from Whitehall
before spending any more time with Anna, but the lead the man had
mentioned was on simmer because a contact was on vacation.  Finally
Jason couldn't stay away any longer.  He still hadn't come to terms
with her pregnancy, with the other man in her life.  Still wasn't
certain he could stop himself from falling for her all over again.  But
he was sure of one thing.  The past week had been hi1.  So while he
still could, he wanted to spend as much time with Anna as possible.

Feeling guilty, he rapped on her door Tuesday morning.  He'd been wrong
to leave her on her own so long.

No answer.

Jason rapped again.  Harder.  She didn't usually leave the apartment in
the morning.  Though shed never outright admitted it, he knew she was
still suffering from occasional bouts of morning sickness.

The vacant look on her face when at last she opened the door changed to
instant welcome when she saw who was standing there.

"Jason!"  Throwing her arms around him, she hugged him tightly.  His
arms came around her automatically as he gloried in her softness,
ignoring' for the moment the evidence of her pregnancy.

"I'm sorry, Anna," he felt compelled to say.  "I didn't mean to desert
you."  But he had meant to.  And he'd been wrong.

"No, Jason, don't be sorry."  Her sweet smile tore at him.  "I
understand.  You have things to do."  Smoothing the frown from his
brow, she said, "It's okay, really."

"How are you?"  he asked, still holding her.  He couldn't seem to let
her go.

"Fine.  Especially now that you're here.  I've missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Looking 'into her big brown eyes, seeing the desire there, he either
had to kiss her or get away from her.

He couldn't kiss her.  He had to keep enough distance to retain his
sanity when they eventually found the man who'd slept with her.

Seeing her computer blinking over her shoulder, he let her go and
crossed to it.  "You've been working?"

She chuckled.  "All the time."

"It's going okay?"  His gaze met and settled on hers.  Damn, she looked
good.  Her hair was tousled, her face was devoid of makeug exactly as
shed looked waking up in his bed.

"Ideas are flowing so fast I'm afraid of losing them," she said,
grinning.

She was doing fine.  Just fine.  Jason was glad, re-lie red Whatever
happened, Anna was going to be okay.

"You want to go out for breakfast?"  He had to

get out of her apartment.  She was too close, too tempting.  He
couldn't stop thinking about Staten Island.

"Sure."  She grabbed her purse.  "So, what've you been doing besides
working?"

What could he tell her?  That racquetball had been more important than
seeing her?  That he'd taken Sunny out several times?

As easy as Anna was making it, Jason couldn't just pretend that there
hadn't been a problem, that there wasn't still a problem, She might not
remember their relationship, but he did.  And the one thing that had
made it so different, so remarkable, was the complete honesty between
them.

"Staying away from you."  The words were out of his mouth before he
could stop them.  "What?"

"I've been avoiding you."

Anna's purse hit the floor.  Her face white, she sank onto the couch,
her eyes stricken.  She didn't say a word.  Just looked at him.

"I was wrong."  The confession didn't make him feel any better.  Her
either, apparently.

"To the contrary, your reasons were probably quite valid."  Her calm
impersonal tone cut him to the quick.

This was Anna when she was hurting the most.  She'd perfected the art
of' covering up.  Don't let it show.  He could almost hear the
ingrained words repeating themselves in her head.

"Valid or noL avoiding you wasn't the answer."  He sat down beside her,
taking her hands in both of

his, holding tight when she tried to pull away.  "But we have to talk
about this, Anna."

"Why are you doing this?"  she asked.  "Why do you hang around, keep
coming back?"

That was easy.  "Because I care."

Her gaze searched his relentlessly.  "As an old family friend?"

"No."

"Oh."  She looked down at her lap.  He looked, too, and was surprised
to see how much larger shed become in just six days.  '

"I tried to stay away.  It didn't work."

Anna nodded, feeling stupid.  She'd had no idea.  All the while shed
been working, content with the knowledge that Jason was just a phone
call away, he'd been contemplating changing his number.

Jason's hand suddenly moved, and Anna flinched as it covered the swell
of her stomach.

"Don't."  She pushed his hand away, embarrassed.  She would have given
anything for Jason to have been the man who'd put the child there.  "Do
you want me to go?"

Her gaze flew to his.  "No!"  she said.  And then, more softly, "I
care, too, Jason.  A lot."  Frightening as the admission was, it was
also a huge relief.

Bringing his hand back to gently caress the baby again, Jason said, "We
have to talk about it, Anna," He tapped her stomach with one finger.
"This little guy's a part of you."

"She's a girl."  He was right.  They couldn't keep pretending the baby
didn't exist.

His hand stilled.  "You know for sure?"

She nodded.  "I found out last week during the ultrasound."

Not only wasn't it fair to either of them to keep pretending the child
didn't exist, it wasn't fair to her daughter.  Something shifted in
Anna's heart as she finally allowed herself to acknowledge the tiny
being inside her.  She was bearing a child.  And a part of her was very
very glad.

"Was everything all right?"

"Fine."  The baby was growing right on schedule--which made Anna about
fifteen weeks pregnant.

"I'm sorry I let you down."  He was troubled.  And that troubled
Anna.

"Oh, Jason, don't," Anna said, laying her hand on top of his.  "You've
done so much for me.  There's no way you've let me down,"

Jason's gaze held hers, seeking what she didn't know.  But she knew
when he found it.  He smiled at her, squeezing her hand.

"Have you thought of names?"

Hell, no.  She'd barely thought of the child as real until two seconds
ago.  She shook her bead.

"What happens next?"  he asked, rubbing her stomach again, staring at
it as if he could actually see the little girl growing inside.

"Not much for a while," she said, her eyes misting with tears as she
watched him.  Oh, God, why couldn't it have been him?

"I continue my monthly checkups clear up until the last month," she
conlinued.  "Take my vitamins, get fatter."

"This isn't fat," Jason said, almost sounding like a proud papa for a
moment as he continued to rub her stomach.  One thing shed learned
about Jason over the past weeks, something she greatly admired, was how
completely he jumped into everything he did.  He'd decided to
acknowledge.  her baby, and now she couldn't get him away from it.

Unfortunately his fingers weren't just communi-caring with the child in
her womb; they were sending erotic messages to her.

She forced herself to concentrate on his original question--the months
ahead.  "If I can find a partner, I'd like to take childbirth
classes."

If shed been looking for a way to stop Jason's attentions, shed 'found
it.  He pulled his hand away, sitting stiffly beside her, not touching
her at all.

The.  ensuing silence screamed with the offer he wasn't making.

"What about after she's born?"  "His quiet words fell into the
awkwardness shed created.  "Have you thought about what you're going to
do?"

Anna shrugged.  "I guess that all depends on where I'm living."

"Where?"  He turned to look at her, shocked.  "You're thinking about
leaving New York?"

ff his stiffness a moment before had hurt her, his dismay now made up
for it.

"I meant whether I'm still living in this vacuum or in the real
world."

And there was the crux of their problem.  The past weeks, the time
they'd spent together, the relationship they were building--none of
these were real.

Taking her hand, Jason pulled her up and into 1 arms.  "I want to be a
part of that world, Anna."

No more than she wanted him there.  Still "Nothing's changed," she
whispered.  She was free to make promises, no matter how badly: wanted
to make them.

"Just tell me you won't disappear without a wo No matter what happens,
what you remember when, you'll come to me first?  Talk to me al it?"

His request was fair.  It was even one' she col grant.  "Of course."

He smiled at her, kissing her lightly.  "Then th is a commitment we can
make."

"Yes?"  She was desperate enough to listen, e knowing he was wrong.

"We can promise each other the present."

It wasn't at all orthodox.  It solved nothing.  as present became past
with each new minute.  promise you my present," she whispered, her el
welling with tears as she looked up at him.  "And I give you mine."

Jason offered to attend the childbirth classes w her.

WHITEHALL'S LAD turned out to be nothin{ wrong person, wrong place.
They knew from qu tioning Anna's landlord that Anna had been acco pan
led by a man on at least one occasion, but had managed to find out
anything about him.  Jason !  already questioned all of Anna's
neighbors hims, knew what a dead end that was.  On a hunch Ja"

had Whitehall check every literary agent in New York, but a month
later, nothing was still all they had.

Sitting in Anna's apartment one Tuesday in mid-September, waiting for
her to finish getting ready for their lunch date, Jason wasn't even
sure he wanted Whitehall's answers.  Anna was nineteen weeks pregnant.
In all that time, no one had shown up on her doorstep.  Maybe their
luck would hold out for another fifty years.

"Jason!  Come here, He's awake!"  Anna called from the bathroom.

He was up in a flash, striding across the apartment as fast as the
cramped quarters allowed.  He'd missed the last two timeS.  He wasn't
about to miss a third.

"Where?"  he asked, reaching for her belly the second.  he was in the
door.

"Here."  Stretching her dress across her stomach, she took his hand,
placing it just under her left ribs.

Jason waited, feeling Anna's heart beat, but nothing else.  Damn.  Did
the little girl somehow know it was him?  Had she recognized his voice
when he'd walked in the room?

Waiting impatiently, refusing to budge until Anna's daughter gave in,
Jason continued to cup Anna's stomach.  Come on, darling, move for me,
he encouraged silently

The flutter against his hand startled him so much he pulled back
instantly.  Shocked, he looked up into Anna's laughing eyes.

"Put it back, silly."  She grinned, guiding his hand to the right
spot.

"It's amazing!"  Jason said seconds later.  Until that moment the life
forming in Anna had been a source of pain to him.  Suddenly the child
was nothing but incredible joy.

His gaze met Anna's, the wonder, the awe of life's creation passing
between them them in her cramped little bathroom.

"I wish she were yours," Anna whispered softly.  Not as much as I do,
sweet Anna.  Not nearly as much as l do.

Unable to say a word, Jason broke his own rule and leaned down to kiss
her.

THEY WERE FINALLY READY to leave the apartment when her phone rang.
Still tingling from the shock of Jason's kiss, Anna fumbled with the
roceiver, nearly dropping it before getting it to her ear.

A woman's voice greeted her in German.  It sounded harried, apologetic
and wonderfully familiar.

"Rosa!"  Anna said.  "Guten Tag."

The older woman spoke rapidly, apologizing profusely in her native
tongue for disturbing Anna, aware that Anna was writing, that Anna
would call if and when she had some extra time for sewing.  But Rosa
was in a terrible bind.  Just had two seamstresses come down with the
flu and had a whole series of jobs due out that week.  Please, could
Anna help her just this once?  She didn't have anyone else to call.

Anna assured Rosa that of course shed be glad' to help and was halfway
through her commiseration

with Rosa's predicament before she noticed the odd way Jason was
looking at her.  That's when she realized she herself was speaking
fluent German.

And just as suddenly she knew that shed studied German because she
didn't want to study Spanish.  Though what relevance that piece of
information had was completely lost on her.

Quickly explaining her condition to Rosa, she asked for directions to
Rosa's shop, saying shed be by later that afternoon to pick up a batch
of jobs.  Rosa started to cry when she heard what Anna had been
through, trying to retract her request for help fearing that she was
putting too much on Anna's shoulders, but finally giving in when Anna
assured Rosa that shed welcome something extra to do.

Rosa did, however, insist on bringing the sewing to Anna.  She couldn't
get away that day, but shed come 'by first thing the next morning.

"Rosa?"  Anna asked, just before she hung up.  She just had to know one
thing, she explained.  Did she pick up her sewing in garbage bags and
return them the same way?

"Ja."  Rosa went off on another spurt of German, worrying about Anna,
assuring her shed do anything she could to help.

Maybe Rosa would know who Anna used to consort with.  Maybe shed be
able to help Anna find out who'd fathered her child.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ABBY NEVER CALLED anymore.  Jason dialed the beach cottage for the
third time that week, frowning when he realized he was the only one
keeping in contact these days.  The past months were taking one hell of
a toll on Abby.

She answered on the fifth ring.  "Yes?"  "What, you can't say hello
anymore?"  -"Jason!"  There was a little more life in her reply as she
recognized his voice.  "Nothing's wrong, is there?  You just called two
days ago."

"Everything's fine," he quickly told her.  He knew it was hell for Abby
being so far away when Anna--the sister shed spent her entire life
caring for--was going through such a difficult time.  Jason understood,
which was why he called so often.

"I felt the baby move today," he told her.

"No kidding!"  It sounded like Abby might even be grinning.  "Is Anna
getting huge, then?"

"Not yet, but she's definitely showing."

"Will you send me a picture?"  The wistful tone was back.

Jason agreed readily, then said, "She had a call today from some German
woman who owns an alterations shop.  Anna had been doing piece work
for her."

"That's one mystery solved."

"Anna spoke to the woman in fluent German."  "She remembered her
German?"

"Not only that, she told me over lunch that she remembered studying it
because she didn't want to study Spanish."

Silence thrummed over the line.  Jason had expected Abby to find the.
news encouraging.  Slowly but surely Anna was remembering.

"I never knew she didn't want to learn Spanish.

I just thought she liked German," Abby finally said.

It sounded as if she was crying again.

"What's wrong with her not liking Spanish?"

son asked, lying back on his couch, exhausted.  Tired of trying to find
answers that didn't seem to exist.

"I made all three of us sign up for it," Abby finally said.  "Living so
close to Mexico, with so many Spanish-speaking people, I thought it
would be good for us to be fluent."  She stopped, took a deep breath.

Jason waited.

"Both my sisters agreed, but the first day of class, Anna didn't show
up.  She'd gotten Mom to change her schedule at the last minute.  They
just told me she really liked German."

"Maybe she did."

"Or maybe she was trying to get away from me even then."

"She wanted to think for herself, Abby," he said

softly, the back of his hand over his eyes.  "Not to get away from
you."

"i'm not so sure."

"Because she wouldn't leave me to move to New YOrk?"

It hurt to hear her say it even after all this time.  "That's one sure
sign."

"Did you ever think that maybe we're the real reason for Anna's
amnesia?"  Abby sounded as worn-out as he felt.

"That she needed to find her own identity, you mean?"  he asked.  Of
course he'd thought of it, they'd all discussed it--he, Abby and Dr.
Gordon.  But while the doctor had seen that as a contributing factor,
he'd been sure there was more going on with Anna than an identity
crisis.  Something far more disturbing.

"No.  I mean, maybe by forcing her to choose, we forced her to escape,
instead."

Sitting up, Jason frowned.  It was past midnight.  He was beyond
playing mental gymnastics with Anna's sister.  "I don't follow you."

"Think about it, Jason.  if Anna loved us both equally--shared an equal
though different bond, an equal loyalty--we both betrayed her by
forcing her to choose one bond over the other.  To make one of us
'happy, she had to desert the other.  For someone as intensely loyal,
as deeply committed as Anna, it was an impossible situation."

Abby had had a lot of time to think.  And what she said made sense.

"So how do we get her back?"

"Wait.  Just like the doctor told us," Abby said, sounding more like
the bossy woman Jason had grown to love.  "It's when we have her back
that it's our turn to go to work.  We can't make her choose anymore,
Jason."

"You're prepared to give her up?"  Jason asked.  "Are you?"

"Of course not."  "Then how can you ask it of me?"  Her voice was
barely above a whisper.  But Jason had no trouble hearing her message.
Or of Anna?

"Tm an ass," he said, finally seeing what he'd done all those months
ago.  He'd let the insecurities he thought he'd left behind years
before overrule his good sense.  Anna was an identical triplet whose
bond with her sister had grown as necessary to her as breathing over
the years.  Moving her to New York wouldn't have changed that.  It
would only have made Anna miserable.  Just as miserable as Abby was
now.

And because he was a jealous fool, feeling shut out by a bond that was
stronger than anything he'd ever known, anything he could ever share,
he'd laid down an ultimatum.

"TII quit my job, move back to California," he said, surprised to find
that he wasn't as upset as he should have been at the thought.  He'd
been so proud when the offer had come in.

Or had his excitement been charged with the knowledge that he now had a
legitimate excuse to

force Anna's hand, to make her prove shed forsake all others for him?
To get her away from her sister?

He didn't know.  But one thing was for sure rathe job alone had not
made him happy.  He needed Anna.  And although he'd sworn he'd never
again allow himself to come second to a woman he'd committed his all
to, wasn't second still better than nothing?  If he knew going in not
to expect any more than that?

"Jason?"  Abby's voice was oddly hesitant.  "Yeah?"

"Don't quit your job yet."

"I'm not going to lose her again, Abby."  "You may not have a
choice."

He'd thought Abby was on his side.  All these weeks shed been
encouraging his involvement with Anna.  "We were meant to be together,
Abby.  She may not remember our past, but she's fallen in love all over
again."

"And how's she going to feel when she remembers the choice we forced on
her?  Do you think she's going to be fond of either one of us?"

He didn't know.  Dammit, he didn't know.  "The move back to California
should settle that."

"Maybe.  But where's her guarantee it won't happen again?"

"She'll have my word.  Besides, life never carries guarantees.  Anna's
smart enough to know that."

"There's another possibility.  What if, when she remembers, there's
another man she loves more?"

Her words sliced into him and be couldn't answer' her.  God, did she
hate him this much?

"I'm worried about you, Jason," Abby finally whispered.  She was
crying again.  "You're the best there is and you're getting in too
deep."

"You'd rather I just walked away?"

"No."  She sniffed.  "I'd rather you just marry her before she comes to
her senses."

The thought had crossed his mind.

"But I know you.  You won't do anything even remotely so dishonest."

"Thanks for that, I think."  God, he'd never felt so weary of spirit.
Why did he go on?  But with Anaa still within reach, how could he
not?

"I wish you weren't so damn honest.  Because when Anna remembers who
the father of her baby is, she may very Well choose him even if she
loves you more.  And knowing you, you're going to let her go--and that
just might kill you."

"You think letting her go now is going to hurt any less?"

"Just be careful, okay?"  "Yeah."  He'd be careful.  ff only he could
figure out how.

"OH MY!  How DID THAT happen?"  Rosa exclaimed in German, standing in
Anna's doorway the next morning.  The plump gray-haired woman was
staring at Anna's stomach.

Anna looked down, too, as if she might find a spot on her dress,
something shed spilled.  But her head remained bowed.  "I don't
remember."

Rosa didn't seem nearly as bothered as Anna was by the humiliating
admission.  "I'll bet it was that

nice man you brought with you smetimes," Rosa said pleasantly, her
old-fashioned brown dress crinkling as she walked by Anna to set her
bag of sewing down beside the couch.

"I brought someone with me?"  Anna asked.  Her embarrassment fled in
light of possible answers to questions shed almost given up asking.

"A man, yes," Rosa nodded.  "He was tall, nice-looking, if you like
them skinny.  Older than you."

Sounds just like the man Maggie described Anna looked blanldy at Rosa;
she didn't remember this man at all.

"Clark, you called him," Rosa told her.

Clark.  Anna felt sick to her stomach.  She didn't want him to have a
name.  She'd wanted Maggie to be wrong, to have imagined the man.  And
the voice on the answering machine?  She'd erased that.

"He had dark hair?"  Anna heard herself ask.  But she didn't want to
know.  Didn't want this man to exist.

"Yes, he did."  Rosa's heavy, flat-soled shoes against the hard wood
floors sounded like cannon shots as the woman approached Anna again.
"You remember him?"  she asked.

Anna shook her head, shame washing over her.  Not only did she not
remember this man, she didn't want to remember 'him, didn't even want
him to exist.

Rosa clucked when she saw the stricken look on' Anna's face.  "Oh,
he'll understand, dear.  He was

always so nice to you, carried your bags, took you nice places."

Anna tried to smile at the older woman, all 'the while feeling more and
more trapped.  Tied up in so many knots shed never get out, never be
free.

"Sounds like I spent a lot of time with him," she said, and knew she
hadn't hidden her distress very well when Rosa took her hand and led
her to the couch.

"A bit, I think," Rosa said.  "But don't you worry about it now, dear.
You just rest here."  She pulled the blanket off the back of the couch,
laying it over Anna's legs.  "You've got that little one to think about
now."

Yes, shed think about the baby.  And Jason.  The past was past.  She
was living in the present.  A present shed promised to Jason.

BECAUSE DRIVING in the country was one of Anna's favorite things to do,
Jason took her out most weekends.  He loved to see the smile on her
face as they sped down quiet country roads.

"I feel so free out here," Anna confessed one Saturday in early
October.

He glanced over at her, seeing her hair falling about her shoulders in
a golden halo.  "You don't feel free in the city?"

Shrugging, she said, "My problems are there."  "You shouldn't worry so
much, Anna."  Jason frowned.  "Dr.  Gordon gave you a great report just
last week."

"I know."  She nodded.  "And it's not even worry so much as it is
feeling trapped by my own mind."

He was happy with their present.  A small part of him wished she, too,
could be satisfied with just today, although he knew he was asking the
impossible.

And were he to be completely honest with himself, he'd have to admit he
was only happy with the present because he refused to consider the
future.  But ignoring it was getting harder and harder.

"Do you want to start asking questions?  Call Abby?"  he asked.

Anna took a long time answering him, telling him without words of the
battle taking place within her.  He needed to do something to help her.
But he sat beside her, instead, completely helpless.

Finally, shaking her head, she said simply, "No."  "Then we'll wait."

"Are you disappointed in me?"

The car swerved as Jason stared at her.  "Good Lord, no!"  How could
she even imagine such a thing?

"You don't think I'm a coward for wanting to wait?"

Jason pulled to the side of the road and stopped.  Then he took both
her hands in his and leaned over to kiss her gently.  "You're the
farthest thing from a coward, Anna Hayden," he said, kissing her again.
"You're brave--" another kiss "--and strong."  He brought his lips to
hers one more time.

"Strong enough to hear the truth?"  she asked when he finally pulled
away from her.

"Strong enough to make your own decisions."  He sat back in his seat,
still holding her hand.  "And for the record I think you've made the
right one."

Her eyes clouded.  "Because yOU don't think I'm ready?"

"Because I rust Dr.  Gordon, and he Winks you're going to remember on
your own."

Jason's heart jumped when she pulled on his hand and planted a big kiss
on his mouth.  "Thank you" she said, smiling as she let him go.

"you're very welcome."  Jason ran his finger along her cheek.  She was
so beautiful, his Anna.  Except that she wasn't his Anna.  At least not
yet.

"TELL ME MORE about Jason Whitaker," she said later that afternoon when
the Jag was headed back toward the city.

"What do you want to know?"  This was one of the hardest parts for him,
looking at the woman he'd shared his heart and soul with and having her
act as if shed only known him for a few months.  "Why are you still
single?"

The flippant answer that came automatically to his lips froze when he
glanced at her earnest expression.  She cared about his answer.

"You know about my last relationship," he reminded her.

"The woman who turned you down?"  She was frowning.

Guiding the Jag around a curve, he studied the landscape.  "Mm-hmm."
Such a beautiful day---and so filled with land mines.

"What about before her?"  Anna asked.  "You're thirty-three--you had
to have had some other relationships."  Her husky voice drew him.

"I lived with a girl my last couple of years of co11 g ."  Which was
something he'd never told her before.

"What happened?"  Her eyes shimmered with ready understanding.

"She could never get over her first love, a guy who left her at the
altar to marry a woman almost twice her age."

"I'm sorry."

Jason shrugged.  "I was young," he admitted.  "Just made a bad choice."
He grinned at Anna.  "I didn't really love her, anyway mat least, it
only took me about a week to get over her."

Anna smiled back at him, connecting with him the way she used to when
they'd had entire conversations without ever saying a word.

"So what about after her?"  Anna asked.  "There was only one other
serious relationship "One the old Anna had known all about.  In fact,
he'd met her the day it had fallen apace He'd only spoken three words
to Anna that day, but her smile had carried him through a very
difficult after noon.

"She wasn't in love with someone else, too, was she?"  Anna asked.

Jason shook his head, welcoming the lights of the city ahead.  "Nope.
The law was her first love."  "She was a lawyer?"  "A defense
attorney."

"Oh."  Anna sounded almost intimidated.  "So what happened?"

"My grandmother died.  Sheila chose to bail a new client out of jail
rather than accompany me to the funeral.  The guy didn't want to wait a
few hours.  I decided then that I didn't want to wait around anymore,
either."

"I can't believe she did that!"  Anna's eyes were wide, just as they'd
been the last time he'd told her this story.  "Did she know your
grandmother?"

"My grandmother introduced us."

THI INSTRt/CTOR Anna wanted for her childbirth classes, a woman Who
came highly recommended by Dr.  Litton, already had a full roster
during Anna's last trimester, leaving Anna the choice to take the
classes during her second trimester or take them from someone else.
Anna chose to take the classes early, starting in mid-October.

His leather jacket over his ann and nervous as an expectant father,
Jason showed up at Anna's apartment half an hour early the first night
of classes, extra pillows in hand.

"These okay?"  he asked, thrusting the pillows, still in their
packaging, at her when she opened the door.

"Fine."  Anna grinned.  "Any pillows would have done mI only have
one."

She looked great, her l ng-sleeved brown flowered dress matching her
eyes.  She was going to be able to get through her whole pregnancy
without having to buy maternity clothes.  Her loosely cut

dresses came in handy for more than the freedom of movement shed aI
ways claimed from them.

"Where's Maggie?"  he asked, looking around when Anna disappeared
through the olin bathroom door.  Maggie had laughingly promised to send
them off with a glass of champagne.  Jason.had hoped to have more than
one.

"She got a job!"  Anna called, coming out of the bathroom with a tube
of mascara in her hand.  "She's playing a female cop in an NBC pilot.
She flew to California this afternoon."

As happy as he was for Maggie, Jason was sorry to see her go.  She'd
been a good friend to Anna.  And he'd really been counting on that
champagne.

His FAT^SY WOgl.  shattered the minute they walked into the cls room It
wasn't until he saw the size of the stomachs of the women who were in
their third trimester, saw how far Anna had yet to go, that he was
forced to acknowledge the dangerous pretense he'd embarked on.  And the
small hope, that chance in a million that Anna was carrying his child,
that the doctor had been six weeks off on Anna's due date, died a very
painful death.

But because everyone, Anna included, was watching him, waiting for him
to take his place beside her, Jason didn't give in to the impulse to
bolt.  Like the mature grown man he was, he sat down beside her on the
mat and proceeded to learn how to help her bring another man's child
into the world.

Unfortunately mature grown men experienced agony right along with the
rest of them.

THAT FIRST CLASS introduced a new intimacy into a relationship already
on the verge of becoming far too personal.  Feeling like a wanton
woman, Anna started to flood with desire at the merest glance from
Jason, at the unexpected sound of his voice on the telephone.  And
every time he helped her practice for the birth of her daughter, every
time she lay back and lifted her pelvis for him to shove a pillow
beneath her, she ached with the need to pull him down on top of her.
More than one time she had to bite her lip to stop herself from begging
him to make love to her.

Instead, she directed her emotion into the biography she was writing
pouting her longings onto the page, her frustrations, her desires,
knowing that if nothing else came from this nightmare time of her life,
she was writing a good booL

In the evenings she sat, drained, watching Jason on the news and sewing
for Rosa.

Then one afternoon toward the end of October, a let mr came in the mail
from a literary agent in Manhattan.  It smed shed sent three chapters
of her manuscript to the agency back in June.  They liked them.  Enough
to want to see the entire manuscript as soon as she could send it.

It wasn't a sale.  But it was more than shed even dared hope and her
spirits soared.

Coming down long enough to dial Jason's number, Anna hung up in
disappointment when he didn't answer.  He'd been invited to take part
in a celebrity touch-football game that afternoon to benefit home less
shelters in the city, and shed hoped he would already have arrived
home.

She tried again between newscasts that evening and finally reached him
when she was half-asleep late that night.  He was as delighted as shed
known he'd be, and more, he sounded proud.  Even invited her out to
dinner on the Upper East Side the next night to celebrate.  But only
after she promised that when she was a famous celebrity, shed still
remember him.

As if shed ever forget him.

Anna hung up with a huge grin on her face.  Amnesia or no, she felt
good about herself.  She'd built a new life.  A happy life..

Lying on her side in bed, cradling her unborn child, Anna finally had
the courage to admit what shed been hiding from for months.  She didn't
want to remember anymore, didn't want to find the father of her child.
She didn't care if shed loved him before the accident--she didn't love
him now.  And the reason she didn't love him was that she was
passionately in love with Jason Whitaker.

But the admission didn't bring her relief.  Instead, she started to
cry, stopping herself only when she remembered Maggie's words about
crying women having grouchy babies.  Not that there was any truth to
that.  Still, her sobs couldn't be good for her daughter, this tiny
being who was a hundred percent dependent on her, Anna, to give her a
good life.

Could she do that?  Her chest tightened.  Until she found out who she
was, what did she have to offer this child?  Not even a father.  And
what if, when she

remembered her past, she found herself irrevocably bound to another
man?

What if the past she was running from turned out to have been immoral,
or so painful she couldn't face it?

Until she knew what shed done, what shed been, she wasn't free to love
Jason.  Nor fully equipped to be a mother to the child who'd be
arriving in less than three months.

Tossing and turning, Anna finally drifted off, but only after forcing
herself io practice the breathing techniques she and Jason had been
working on.  But sleep, when it came, brought, instead of relief, only
more nightmares.

HER HEAD POUNDING, she called Dr.  Gordon first thing in the morning.
Wasn't there something more he could do?  Because until she got her
life back, she couldn't go forward.

No, the doctor told her.  The most she could do for herself was just
relax.  Allow her mind whatever time it needed to heal itself.  Getting
upset was only going to slow the process.  She should take heart from
the memories shed had, resting assured that the remainder would follow.
In the meantime concentrate on her book, on shopping for baby
things---on relaxing.

Unfortunately the doctor saying so didn't make it happen.

LIKE SOME DIRTY TRICK, more than three months after he'd hired Smith
Whitehall, Jason finally got

some answers on Halloween.  Jason was sitting in his office an hour
before he was due on the air, going over the day's stories, when his
phone rang.

Whitehall had a name for him--Clark Summer-field.  The eldest son of a
family with old money, a New York businessman with fingers in numerous
financial pies, he'd been dating Anna for several weeks before being
called out of the country on business.  There was no evidence that
Summerfield and Anna had ever slept together, no indication of nights
spent at each other's homes or records of any hotel stays.  However,
Whitehall was certain Sum-merfield was the only man Anna had seen on a
personal basis since arriving in New York--and there was no one in
California at all, not since Jason.

Cold with dread, Jason spent the next half hour calling several of his
New York contacts, needing factual and frank character assessments of
Clark Summerfield.

The accolades came in almost immediately.  Clark Summerfield was a
prince.  A widower for many years, he had no children, worked hard,
although he didn't have to, and attended every family get together.  He
donated heavily to charities.  Before Anna, he'd often been seen
escorting his mother or unmarried sister to business functions.  He'd
celebrated his fortieth birthday the previous spring.  His only fault,
if you could call it one, seemed to be his workaholic tendencies.

And the fact that he wasn't the least bit athletic.  Anna loved sports.
Or at least, shed always been eager to watch Jason's various athletic
ventures.

So, his rival had a name.  A damn good name.  A damn good life.  One
that in other circumstances, he could see Anna being happy with.
Summerfield was a man Anna could love.

Jason went on the air, he exchanged quips with Sunny, even had dinner
with her in between shows.  And he did it all with a frozen heart.

For the first time in a long time that night Jason went home and did
some serious drinking.  He hoped the alcohol would warm him up a bit,
make him feet again.  And maybe it did, because by the end of the
evening he felt as if he had died and gone to hell.

But if he had, his rival was there with him, taunting him.  Clark
Summerfield.  New York's number-one catch.  Hell, may he America's
number-one catch.  And, it seemed, Anna's sweetheart.

Sometime around three o'clock in the morning, six or Seven whiskeys
under, he started to think.  If Summerfield was the father of Anna's
baby, wouldn't she have told the man?  And wouldn't he, respectable
responsible man that he was, have stood by her?  Married her?

Or was this guy's image a sham?  Had he simply used Anna and then
deserted her in her hour of need?  Conveniently finding it necessary to
wheel and deal in Europe for the next several months.

Had this been the blow that had done her in?  No, if Summerfield was
that much of a jerk, someone would know.  Anna wouldn't have been the
first scorned WOman.  Men like that left a trail of' them.

So maybe he'd left before Anna had known she

was pregnant.  Maybe she hadn't had a chance to contact him before the
crash had wiped away all evidence of his existence.

And maybe Summerfield wasn't the father, after all.  As good as
Whitehall was, wouldn't he have found some evidence if Summerfield and
Anna were lovers?  Even if they'd only had sex once?  Of course, they
could have done that in the car or on the beach .... It was also
possible, based on the lack of any other evidence, that Anna's
mysterious lover had died.  Perhaps that was the tragedy she was
running from.  No.  Whitehall would definitely have been able to
determine that.

Perhaps the guy was running from something himself, purposely covering
his tracks.  Maybe he'd been a swindler, a professional crook who
changed identities and ate nice girls like Anna for bedtime snacks.

So what if the man never turned up?  What then?  Jason couldn't base
his future on what ifs.  Was it wrong for him to want to come first in
someone's life?  No matter how hard he'd tried, he'd always played
second fiddle---to his father's career, his mother's second marriage,
her new daughter, his college love's other man, the law, even to a
prostitute's career.  He'd been eating leftovers his entire life.

But weren't leftovers better than starving?  And the bottom line was,
did he have any choice?  He'd been in love with Anna Hayden since the
first moment he'd seen her.  He had a pretty good idea the

feeling wasn't going to disappear now, just because his head told him
he'd be safer not to care.

Dizzy with the circles his thoughts were running, Jason finally fell
across his bed, still half-dressed, just as dawn was breaking over the
city.  One fact remained.  The father of Anna's child wasn't here.
Jason was.  And possession was nine-tenths of the law.

H WAS COmO to lose her.  In the cold light of day, his head pounding in
protest, Jason had to face the truth.  Clark Summerfield was the only
logical choice for the father of Anna's baby.  He simply wasn't aware
of the child he'd created.  When he was, a man like Clark would ask her
to marry him immediately.  And Anna, loyal as she was, would marry him
out of duty.  Wouldn't she?

Or would she?

Anna had changed, was sticking up for what she wanted.  Would that new
determination extend to rejecting what she didn't want?

Summerfield was in Europe during Anna's greatest hour of need.  Which
meant he must not know anything about the crash or her amnesia.  Had he
known, he'd have flown home to see her through this difficult time. But
if there was commitment between them, wouldn't there also be
communication?  And if there were no commitment... Jason had won her
love once.  While the field was clear, he at least had to try again.
But he'd do it with his eyes wide open, knowing the risks.  No more
pretending.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

JASON SNT l-mR FLOWERS.  They arrived Saturl afternoon just before his
phone call asking her on a date.  An official date.  Dress comfortably,
told hr.  They were going on a cruise around harbor.

At six and a half months pregnant, Anna dig have any idea how she could
feel sexy and roman but when she opened the door an hour later, wl
Jason looked at her as though he'd like to make'll to her right there
on the floor, shed never felt sex Dressed in a long-sleeved
ankle-length flannel t with a thick cardigan sweater on top, she felt 1
every man's dream centerfold.  Maybe pregnm made your hormones rage.

The cruise was idyllic, quixotic--and deserl No one else was crazy
enough to cruise around harbor at night on the first of November.  But
sn gled against Jason in the wool blanket he'd broul Anna couldn't
think of anything more romantic.

They ate assorted cheeses aceompaed b) homemade French loaf and grapes,
popping th into each other's mouths, licking the juice from other's
fingers--and lips.  Jason drank wine, An mineral water.  And they
talked.  About the wo

About people.  About life.  Jason believed in so many of the things
she found most important.  Family.  Loyalty.  Commitment.

After they'd eaten he pulled her back against him' on the secluded
bench.  The blanket enveloping them in their own private world, he
Ymked his hands beneath the swell of her belly, holding her and the
baby both.

Happy, dragged with the night, the romance, she snuggled into him,
content to remain as she was forever.

The baby moved, her little foot dragging across the bottom of Anna's
stomach.

"She's awake, Mama," Jason whispered in her

"It's 'cause she knows you're here."  Anna was convinced that the baby
recognized Jason's voice, his touch.  These days she seemed to become
active whenever he was around.

Jason laughed, following the baby's progress with one hand, poking her
gently, playing with her.  Anna didn't see how any moment could be more
perfect.

"There's a daddy position open if you're interested."  The words
slipped out before she could stop them.

And she wished she had when she felt.  Jason stiffen behind her.  "I'm
not her father."

She was spoiling the most perfect evening of her life, but she couldn't
stop herself.  When shed awoken in that hospital all those months ago,
shed had to start fresh, fill the horrible v9id that was all she knew.
She'd created a new life for herself, a

good life, and that hadn't come easy or wit hot fight.  If convincing
Jason they were meant to together took another fight, so be it.

"Not biologically," she said, placing her a over his, keeping his hands
on her belly.  "Bu every other way--in my heart and, I believe,
hers--you're already her father."

"And what happens to me when you find out her father is, when he
returns to your lives clair what's fight fully his?"  Jason's words
weren't an cusation; that wouldn't have hurt so much.  T were
resigned.

It was time to speak up or lose him forever."  doesn't matter anymore."
The confession was, ficult to make, not because she wasn't comple
certain of its truth, but because it left her so vuh able.  "He can't
matter," she continued, her vt breaking.  "Because I'm completely in l
ve yOU."

Jason's heart soared.  Which made the plung despair that follOWed all
the more painful.  He di doubt that she believed what she was saying.
how could she possibly be sure of her feelings w out a yardstick to
measure them by?

Then, too, shed claimed tearfully to love when he'd asked---okay,
demanded---that she ca to New York with him.  Yet less than two mot
later shed become pregnant by another man.

"You don't know how desperately I want to lie've you," he finally said,
her honesty deser the same from him.

She turned to face him, clearly shocked.  "You don't believe me?"

Jason kissed her slowly, tenderly.  He'd always been able to show her
so much more than he could say.

"I believe you feel that way now," he said when he raised his head.

"You don't think I know my 'own heart."  Her head fell against his
chest, and her gaze turned to the bay.

"You know what's there now, Anna, but what about when it fills back up
with all the emotions you've forgotten?"  He couldn't believe her
words, couldn't count on them.  He'd only get him.  And he couldn't go
through' that again.

Her silence wasn't a good sign.  He had to help her see that they had
to know for sure.  "I'm here," he said quietly into the darkness.  "I'm
the only one here."  He chose his words carefully, needing her to
understand.  "But we have to face the fact that some where there's
another man about whom you could have felt the very same way."

"How do I convince you he just doesn't matter anymore?"

"Until you remember him, you can't, Anna," he said, his voice strong.
He wasn't going to let her sway him on this.  He couldn't.  It would
kill him to believe her now, only to have her regret her decision when
her memory finally returned.  "Until you remember what it is you're
giving up, you can't know if you want to."

"And what if I don't ever remember."?"  Her question fell between
them, a question they'd both ask themselves a hundred times.  A
question neither o could answer.

JnSON CALLO Dr.  Gordon first thing Monday mot ing.  He rushed through
pleasantries, assuring t'.  doctor that Anna was fine, the baby was
fine, he w fine, and then got straight to the point.

"What are the chances that Anna will never member?"  When was it time
to tell her the Uu At least about them.  To tell her that shed'opted n
to marry him when he'd asked her last spring.: give her at least those
facts and then let her deci, if she still wanted him to be the father
of the eh't she carried.  If she still wanted him.

The doctor was silent so long Jason was almo afraid to hear his answer.
"You know something don't know?"  Jason finally asked him.

"No," Dr.  Gordon said, the word drawn o2 "I'm just not sure I can give
you any percentage la son He paused.  "Of course there's always be a
possibility that Anna won't ever regain the men odes she's lost."

"Does it grow stronger as time passes?"  "No."

"So five years from now she could be sitting a restaurant or driving
down the road and sudden have it all come flooding back?"  Five years'
wor.  of living, of loving, only to lose it all?

"Or it could come in little snatches, just as it" been doing."

"I want to marry her, Doctor."

"I'm not surprised."  Dr.  Gordon sighed.  "But I can't tell you I
think it's a good idea right now.  Too much still rests in the
balance."

"It's not fair to Anna, is what you're saying," Jason stated flatly.
He'd already reached that conclusion himself.  It was just convincing
her he was having troubles with.  "How can she make such a lasting
commitment when she doesn't know what she's leaving behind?"

"Exactly."

The doctor was only confirming what he already knew.  And it sounded
just as hopeless coming from someone else.

"It also wouldn't be fair to you, Jason," Dr.  Gordon continued.

"I'm not worried about that."  He brushed the doctor's words aside.
He'd given up on fair a long time ago.  Now he simply kept himself
safe.  if he didn't count on anything, didn't look for things that
weren't there, he'd be fine.  "I'm just not sure I can convince Anna to
wait another five years to start living her life."

"You'd have a hard time convincing me if I were in her position."

"She says she isn't going to wait until she's eighty and then, when
she's too old to do anything but die decide that her memory isn't
coming back."  They'd been her last words to him the night before when,
in her apartment, they'd had a replay of the conversation from Saturday
night.  Jason had a feeling that they'd continue to replay it until he
gave in.

"She has a point."

"So you think I should tell her about her past?  At least about my part
in it?"  he asked, hopeful for the go-ahead.  It was his only chance.

The doctor took a moment to think, but his answer was disappointing. "I
really believe it's too soon, Jason.  She's a strong woman, stronger
now probably than she ever was before, but we have to remember that
none of us knows what she's running from, what prompted her amnesia,"

"And you don't think she's strong enough to handle whatever it is even
now?"  Because Jason did.

"Probably she is strong enough.  But if she no longer wants to
remember, if she no longer has any reason to try, you might be
committing her to permanent darkness."  He took a deep breath.  "She's
growing increasingly more frustrated.  Her determination to know her
own mind is becoming all-important, her need to make her own decisions
stronger than ever.  These are all signs of imminent recovery.  I can't
urge strongly enough that you give her more time."

Jason could find nothing in the doctor's words he could fault.  "Tn
give her until the baby's due," he said.  "If she never remembers who
fathered her child, if she never remembers the circumstances that led
to her amnesia, I can live with that.  But I'll never be able to live
with myself if we bring this child into a relationship based on a
lie."

There would be no argument on that point.

THE GHT SUNNY argued with him on the air, Jason knew he had some other
decisions to make.  His

co-anchor, knowing he'd been seeing a lot of Anna, was trying to get
his attention.

"Lighten up, Sunny," he said softly during a commercial break.
Cameramen were milling around, someone from makeup came over to blot
the perspiration on Jason's brow.  Now wasn't the time for a showdown,
but he hated to see Sunny humiliate herself on the air.  She was a damn
good newscaster.  And shed been a good friend.

"I don't know what you're talking about," She said, her voice sweet
enough.  But she wasn't as relaxed as she sounded.  He watched her tap
the end of her pencil on the desk in front of them.

"Will you atteast agree to wait until we're in private?"  he asked.

Sunny's assistant Came forward to adjust the collar on' Sunny's blouse.
"Walt for what?"  Sunny asked when the girl stepped away.

"I promise we'll talk, Sunny.  Tonight.  Right after the show."  He
smiled at the technician who adjusted his mike.

"The show.  Sometimes I wonder if that's all you've ever cared about,"
she said.  "Well, don't forget, I helped make you, Jason.  And if all
it took was my opinion, my acceptance, to gain your entrance into this
town, then my opinion can just as easily guarantee your exit."

"Five seconds!"  The voice boomed from the darkness in front of them.

Feeling sorry for Sunny, Jason braced himself for a difficult second
half.  His ability was one thing he

was sure of.  If she thought she had any power over his career, she
had an eye-opener ahead of her.

ArA WATCHO the news that night, Friday, almost a week after her cruise
with Jason, feeling restless and bothered.  She'd become used to Sunny
Lawson's proprietary air with Jason, or told herself she had, anyway,
but that night, either Anna was even more insecure than she thought, or
Ms.  Lawson had mined up the heat.

Busy with the little overalls she was stitching--a pattern shed drawn
herself and cut from an old newspaper mAnna hadn't noticed anything all
that unusual about the first half of the newscast, other than an
occasional uncharacteristic barb from Sunny.  But during the second
half of the show, Sunny not only touched Jason, she actually mbhed his
arm a time or two.  She was acting like a woman confident of her man's
affection, confident her overtures would he accepted.

Licking her lips, Sunny smiled sexily at Jason as she told him they'd
have to discuss their differing opinions on a recent parochial-school
levy in a more private venue.  Everyone watching was meant to know that
the last thing Sunny and Jason would be discussing was school levies.
That they'd be too involved in more ... physical pursuits to discuss
anything at all.  Anna stabbed herself in the thumb.

Jason had explained about Sunny months before, assuring Anna that any
personal relationship he and Sunny pretended to share was just
thatmpretend.  He'd told her about the publicity campaign the station
had devised to introduce him to his New York viewers.  He'd told her
how Sunny had become a friend, someone who's company he enjoyed.  Not
someone he wanted to have as a lover.

Anna knew all this.  She even believed it.  So why did Sunny's hand on
Jason's arm make her feel so small, so insignificant?

SUNNY FOLLOWED HIM to his dressing room.  Shut ting the door behind
her, she helped herself to a drink from the sideboard, fixing him one,
too.  Liquid courage.

"Lillie's having a mystery party next weekend on the yacht," she said,
settling back against the smooth leather of his couch.  Lillie was
Sunny's best friend and a bit too shallow, too materialistic for
Jason's taste.

He stood at the desk, the drink shed brought him untouched.  He didn't
loosen his tie and didn't remove his jacket.  He simply stood, not
saying a word.

"It's from four on Saturday till whenever on Sunday."

He remained there, unmoving, unbending, by the desk.  In his
professional life, at least, he was in control.  Always.  He'd accept
nothing less.  And he had the feeling Sunny was actually trying to
issue him an ultimatum.

"We're invited."  She was no longer looking at him, drinking her
martini more quickly than she should.

He still said nothing.  Did nothing.

"If you pick me up at four-thirty, we should get there late enough to
make an entrance."

He wondered where Sunny had gotten the idea that he'd ever change his
mind about them.  He'd been clear from the start that a friend was all
she could expect him to be.

"I'm sorry, Sunny, but I can't go."

Her gaze shot up, locking with his.  "Of course you're going," she said
with an attempt at a laugh.

"No, I'm not."  Jason enunciated the words carefully.

"Don't be stupid Jason."  She st her glass down, stood, came over to
the desk.  "Didn't you hear rn earlier?"  She placed her hands on his
shoulders, leaning her body into his.  "TI show's mine.  You want it,
you take me."

"Don't do this to yourlf, Sunny," he said, pleading with her to come to
her snses before she did irreparable damage to their relationship.

As she pulled away, the look she gave him was a mixture of dsperation
and hurt.  "I'll have you moved to weekends," she blustered.

"I don't think so."

Picking up the phone, Jason dialed the station manager's office.

And less than two minutes later hung up.

"You play nice or take weekends," he said.  "The choice is yours."  He
didn't.  wait around for Sunny's reaction--or her decision.

DURING THE LAST childbirth class they watched movie of a woman giving
birth.  Anna decided one

thing instantly.  Jason definitely wasn't going to there for the
birth.  There was no way his first sight of her naked was going to be
like that.  She couldn't get out of the class fast enough, away from
the chattering couples, the cheery instructor.

Wonder if shed be feeling that cheery if it were her going through the
ordeal, Anna thought sourly, her head bent as she walked out to hail a
cab.

"Wasn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"  Jason asked,
catching up with her at 'the curb.  "Here, honey, put this on before
you catch a chill."  He handed Anna the coat shed left behind in the
classroom.

Amazing?  She snuggled into her coat.  "Thanks."

Lifting her chin and looking into her eyes, he asked, "You okay?"

Anna's glance fell.  Hell, no, she wasn't okay.  "Anna?"

His gorgeous blue eyes were warm with understanding.  He knew.

"I'm scared," she admitted, her breath misting in the cold air between
them.

Silently cupping her face with his hands, he lowered his head to kiss
her, the touch of his lips a distraction, a reassurance, a
reaffirmation of how far shed come, how strong she really was.

"I'll be there with you, honey, every step of the way."

"You promise?"  She held his gaze.  "No matter what happens between now
and January?"  She was asking a lot, but dam reit this was one thing
she

couldn't do alone, no matter how badly she wanted to.

"I do."

His words were promising far more than his attendance at her daughter's
birth.  They both knew that.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

JASON WAS IN HIS KITCHEN when the phone Thanksgiving afternoon.  Anna,
having lain her creasingly cumbersome for a minute, reached lazily for
the receiver.  "Hello?"

"Is this...". A young woman rattled off Jason' phone number.

Instantly on edge, Anna sat up.  "Yes."

"Is Jason there?"

"Who's calling please?"  She had no business asking, no right to
monitor his calls.  Suddenly she felt ill.

"Is he them?"

Anna didn't answer.  She was too busy trying to see through the haze
that was enveloping her.  Sunny wouldn't he calling; Jason had told her
his co-anchor had taken a cruise for the holiday weekend--with the new
man in her life.

"May I speak with him please?"  The woman was determined.  Anna just
wanted to hang up.

"Just a moment," she said, setting the phone down.  She felt awful,
light-headed.  Must have over-exerted herself in the kitchen, but shed
been so determined to prepare a perfect holiday dinner complete with
all the trimmings for Jason.

"Anna?  What is it?"  Jason asked, coming out of the kitchen where he'd
been lifting the Thanksgiving turkey out of the oven for her.

"Huh?"  she asked, looking up at him.  "Oh, nothing... I mean, the
phone's for you."  She couldn't think, didn't want to think.

"I didn't hear it ring," he said, looking first at her and then the
phone.

She lay back, suddenly afraid she was going to be sick.  "It did," she
finally said.

Forcing herself to concentrate, she listened when he picked up the
phone.

"Hello?"  A pause during which Anna's stomach clenched again.  And
then, "Oh!  Hi!"

Did he have to sound so cheerful?  "Uh, yeah."  This with a furtive
glance her way.

Intending to lay right there and figure out what this mysterious woman
could possibly want with Jason, why he was suddenly uncomfortable with
her listening in, Anna was forced, instead, to bolt for the
bathroom--giving him plenty of time to have whatever private
conversation he wanted.

JASON DIDN'T TELL HER who'd been on the phone.  And she refused to ask.
He didn't owe her any explanations.  Except that she needed one.  She
fought with herself the rest of the afternoon, barely touching her
dinner, right up to the moment he dropped, her off at her door that
night.  She didn't want to know, didn't want to be hurt.  And didn't
see how

she could go another minute not knowing--loving him as she did.

He'd said he was bringing her home early because she was tired, because
shed been so violently ill earlier in the day.  And he seemed genuinely
concerned.  But Anna couldn't help wondering if he had somewhere else
to be.  Someone else to see.

Not that shed blame him.  She just had to know.  "Who was she?"  she
finally blurted as he slid her key into the lock.  her proximity to her
own apartment giving her the courage to face whatever might be coming.
If the news was devastating, she only had to make it a few feet to her
bed, then slip under the covers and escape.

Jason didn't look at her or even ask who she meant.  He obviously
hadn't forgotten the call, either.  "Nobody," 'he said, flipping on a
light before standing.  back to let her enter..  Anna's nausea
returned.  For "nobody" the woman really bothered her, though Anna
figured that was understandable.  No matter how much she wanted to, she
couldn't promise Jason anything, not yet.  Maybe never.  The phone call
had brought home to her just how untenable that made her position.

He had every right to find promises elsewhere.  "There's no reason to
lie to me, Jason," she said, standing in front of him, feeling like a
beached whale as she imagined how beautiful the other woman surely
was.

Helping her off with her coat, he stopped, looking down at her, his
eyes serious.  "Yes, Anna, there is."

He couldn't have surprised her more if he'd slapped her.  "Why?"

THE DESPAIR IN HER EYES finally decided Jason.  This had gone on as
'long as he' could let it.  If the past needed to be buried, that was
just too bad.  He wasn't going to let it interfere with the future.

"Come," he said, drawing her over to the couch, aware of how
reluctantly she followed.  She'd been through so much, his poor
darling.  And he had a feeling things were going to get worse.

"Anna, how did you feel when you answered that phone today?"  he asked.
He'd been worried about Anna's violent reaction to the call.  And he
wasn't the only one Who'd worried.

"Well, if she hadn't evaded me so obviously, it probably would have
been okay," Anna said defensively.

Oh, honey, if only you knew.  He'd never felt so helpless, watching
her, not knowing what to say, what not to say.

"It's okay, Jason, I understand," she said, obviously misreading the
look of pain in his eyes.  He hurt for her, not for himself.

He shook his head slowly, brushing her hair back from her face.  "No,
honey, you don't," he said, ready to take the plunge, and yet not
ready.

"Yes, I do, Jason, and it's really all right."  She was trying so hard
to mean what she said it broke his heart.  "I won't hold you to your
promise to hang around until the baby's born," she rushed on.

"You've been wonderful to stand by me this long,

but you don't owe me anything."

"It was Abby."

Anna's eyes went wide, blank, and she started to shake.

"Oh, God."  The words were anguished.

Pulling her against him, rocking her as he held her, Jason told her
about the call and the two others he'd made later in the day, both
times when shed been in the bathroom, reassuring Abby that no harm had
been done.  Abby 'had miscalculated the time when she knew Anna was due
at Jason's.  And then realized what had happened and been terrified,
knowing that hearing her voice could very well have risked Anna's
future health.

What he didn't tell Anna was how devastated that' call had left Abby.
To have actually spoken to Anna, to have had her on the phone, hearing
her voice and still not be recognized had shaken Abby to the core.  Nor
did he tell her how worried they still were.  Both from Anna's first
nauseous reaction to having spoken with her sister, and the fact that
Abby's voice hadn't sparked any memory at all

"I could have talked to her--" Anna's words, thick with tears, broke
off.

"You can always talk to her, honey."

She swiped at the tears on her face.  "Dr.  Gordon says I should
wait,"

But the doctor's way wasn't working.  "And is that what you want to
do?"  This was Anna's show now.

"I don't know what I want."  Her voice broke

again.  Hold me, Jason," she begged.  "Please, just hold me."

He did.  But his arms couldn't take away the fear.  For either of
them.

AUDREY.  ANNA SAT straight up in bed, looking around at the predawn
gray of her apart mere as if shed find someone there.  Audrey.  She
wanted to name the baby Audrey.

Although not knowing how she knew that or why, Anna had never been more
sure of anything in her life.  If the baby was a girl, she was to be
called Audrey.  Anna was having a real live honest-to-goodness memory A
resurgence of a thought shed had before she knew the sex of her child,
a thought shed had before the accident.

She'd been walking in Gramercy Park, and shed just found out she was
pregnant.  She'd decided to name the baby Audrey if it was a girl.  And
shed hoped it was a girl.  Surrounding the memory was a feeling that
someone would be very pleased about her decision--once she was free to
speak of it.

Still frustratingly locked away was why she couldn't speak of it or who
would be pleased.

Tempted to call Jason, in spite of the hour, a new worry held Anna
back.  Something--or someone had been calling out to her more and more
often lately.  Before it had only been in dreams, like the nightmare
shed had at Jason's just after shed left the hospital.  But in the
three days since Thanksgiving, shed been experiencing the oddest
sensations while

wide awake, almost as though someone else were there in her mind,
calling her name, needing her.

Terrified, she had no idea what to do--and half suspected she was
losing her mind, after all.  Which was one reason she didn't tell
Jason.  She couldn't bear to have him see her go crazy.  To place such
a horrible burden on him.

But there was a second reason she didn't call.  She was horribly
frightfully suspicious that she was remembering someone--and that the
someone was the man who'd fathered her child.  Who else would have such
an intense emotional hold on her?  A bond that was reaching out to her
even through her darkness?

Queasy, shivering, Anna burrowed beneath her covers, her arms cradling
her child, holding on by the barest thread to logic, to reason.

She only had.  one thing to focus on right now.  One thing that
mattered.  In only seven weeks she was going to give birth to her
daughter.  To Audrey.

To SAY JASON WAS SHOCKED when Anna told him what she planned to name
her baby was-an understatement.  Fortunately she did so over the
telephone and he was able to hide his reaction.  She was remembering.
She had to be remembering.  And for that reason alone he didn't tell
her the significance behind the name.

He was achingly aware of what the return of her memory would mean.
Every day as her baby grew, so did the tension between them.  They were
living on borrowed time.  They both knew that.

Jason was sitting with Anna in her apament the

first Saturday in December, his leg bobbing swiftly and almost
imperceptibly as they watched another movie.  They'd been spending most
afternoons that way since Thanksgiving, and he had to get out, to do
something besides wait quietly for his world to come crashing down
around him.  He was spending far too much time watching Anna's
expression, waiting for the light of memory to come into her eyes.
Dreading what would happen when it did.

And today was worse, knowing as he did that, since it was a weekend, he
didn't have to leave for work in a matter of hours.  That he could stay
right there with her as darkness fell over the city.  And stay.  And
stay.  Now, before her memory came between them.

"Isn't it about time to buy her some stuff?."  He asked, his hand
resting on Anna's stomach, waiting for Audrey to wake up.

"I've been looking through catalogs," Anna said, grabbing one from
under a pile of books on the coffee table.  "I found the furniture I
want, but as small as this place is, I figured I'd wait until I was a
little closer to my due date before I started getting any of it.  I was
thinking about looking for a larger place."  She'd received her
settlement check from the city the week before.

Flipping through the well-worn pages of the catalog, she found the
nursery ensemble shed chosen.

"All that color's great," Jason told her approvingly.  The crib and
changing table were white with colorful balloon motifs.  The baby would
only have to open her eyes to be entertained

"See, there'm sheets, receiving blankets, hooded towels,
sleepers--everything to match."  She pointed to the next page.

Standing up, Jason said, "So let's go get 'em."

"Now?"  She looked up at him.  They'd just finished lunch.  She usually
rested after lunch.

"Sure now."  He suddenly wanted to do it all, to take part in
everything that was yet to be done to prepare for Audrey's imminent
birth, and to do so as soon as possible.  Because he didn't know from
one day to the next if there'd continue to be a role for him to play.

"But where will I put it all?"

Looking around the cramped apartment, Jason could see her problem.  And
suddenly he had the perfect solution.  Or at least as close to perfect
as he could get, considering his limited options.

"We'll set it up in the downstairs bedroom' in my place.  I'll move
back up to the loft."

"Your place?"  she asked.  But she didn't sound at all displeased with
the suggestion.

"Sure," he said, grabbing her coat.  "I've got the room."

And if he had the baby's things, didn't he stand at least some chance
of eventually having the baby?  And her mother, too?

"But won't it he a lot of trouble to move it all again?"

Jason shrugged.  The possible trouble would he worth the chance to have
her stay.  "Your chances of finding a place you want before she's born
are pretty slim," he said, which was one thing they both

knew to be the truth.  Waiting lists for New York apartments, at least
ones shed want to raise Audrey in, were a mile long.  "You guys can
room with me until something comes up."

Neither examined the plan, knowing that to do so would only borrow
trouble.  Instead, avoiding each other's eyes, they locked hands and
went on a shopping spree.

"WE DID GOOD, don't you think?"  Anna looked around Jason's spare
bedroom on Sunday night, tired but happy.

"We did great!"  he said, the pride in his voice sending little thrills
clear through her.  This was how expecting a child was meant to be.  A
man and woman, their love electrifying the air between them, filled
with anticipation as they surveyed the crib that would soon bear a tiny
body, the changing table filled with tiny T-shirts and sleepers,
bottles waiting to be filled, diapers to be worn.

"You don't think we went a little overboard?"  she asked, looking
around them.  They'd bought out half of New York in less than
twenty-four hours.

"This little one's worked damn hard to get here," Jason said, wrapping
his arms around her from behind, his hands spreading over her stomach.
"She deserves to have her necessities waiting for her."

Anna grinned at him over her shoulder.  "I'm just not convinced that a
life-size bear that plays nursery rhymes can be considered a
necessity."  She'covered his hands with hers, leaning back into him,
loving

the solid strength of his body.  A body shed not yet discovered, and
yet felt as if she knew so well.

"Sure it was," Jason said.  "He matched the crib."

"And the curtains?"  She looked at them, hung at the window to pull out
the creases.  They were playing a dangerous game.  But curtains could
be rehung.

"You want someone peeping in at her while she sleeps?"  Jason asked.

"On the tenth floor?"

Her gaze locked with his over her shoulder.  He'd never actually asked
her to move in with him, but they were both talking as if such a move
was a foregone conclusion.

"Anna?"  Jason's voice was hesitant, unlike him.  "If, after the baby's
born, we're still where we are now, would you consider making this her
home?"

If we're still where we are now.  If she was still without half her
senses, he meant.  If she still didn't know who Audrey's rightful
father was.

She should tell him no.  She had to tell him no.  None of this was fair
to Jason, but moving in with him, being a family, was downright
cruel.

"For how long?"  she whispered when shed meant to decline his offer.
"Not just until I can get into someplace bigger than what I have
now?"

She felt him shrug as his arms fell away.  Cold, suddenly bereft, she
took his hand gladly when he offered it, following him out to the
living room.

He sat down on the couch and pulled her down beside him, still holding
her hand.  His gaze locked with hers.

"I want her here," he said.  "I want you both here forever."

Her heart flip-flopped.  She'd been living to hear those words since
shed first come home from the hospital with Jason, maybe even before.
And then reality set in.  "But..."

"Shh.  Hear me out."  He placed one finger against her lips.  "I want
to marry you, Anna."

Tears sprang to her eyes.  She didn't think it was possible to hurt so
much.  "Oh, Jason, I want that, too, so much."

He nodded.  Swallowed.  And then started again.  "I can't ask you to do
that, Anna.  It wouldn't be fair."

"To you," she said, her tears still welling as she held his gaze.  "I
know."

Shaking his head, he said gently, "To you."  He reached up and dried
her eyes.  "I'd be taking advantage of you if I married you now when
you're at your most vulnerable.  When you have no idea what you'd be
giving up."

"You mean Audrey's biological."  It was how shed come to think of the
man.

"Her what?"

"Her biologic.  al, as in the biological source of half of her
existence."

"He's a man, Anna," Jason said, although she could see what the words
cost him.  "He's her father.  '

She couldn't allow him to go that far.  "No, Jason."  She shook her
head.  "He's not a father."

As if he knew she was prepared to argue semantics with him all day if
that was what it took, he nodded slowly.  "He exists.  Someplace in
your memory he exists."  A pause.  "And there's more."  Frowning up at
him, she asked, "What?"

"You have no idea how you felt about me before, but if your memory
returns, that will come back to you, too.  And whether you believe it
or not right now, that memory could very well change how you feel about
me."

Anna's stomach clenched.  She hated the sudden turn the conversation
had taken.  "Didn't I like you?"  It was something shed never even
considered.

"Yes."

But his eyes told her there was more.  "Was I angry with you?"
"Yes."

Frightened, she grasped his hand more tightly.  No.  She didn't want
there to be any problems between them.

"Did I have reason to be angry?"  she whispered, her heart thudding.

She'd pretty much decided that she was ready to deal with whatever it
was shed been avoiding remembering now that she was stronger, now that
she had Jason by her side.  She'd never once considered the fact that
he might be part of the problem.  "Yes."

She pulled away from him and then, seeing the.  pain in his.  eyes,
grabbed his hand back again.  "You wouldn't ever have hurt me
deliberately, Jason, I know that," she said, the conviction in her
words

coming straight from her heart.  There were just some things a body
knew, no matter what.

Jason acknowledged her trust with a nod, a slow smile spreading across
his face.  "Never," he said.

"Do you want to tell me this horrible thing you did?"  she asked,
trying to make light of it.

Jason studied her for a long moment.  "Do you want me to?"

No.  She didn't.  She didn't want to know any of it, to have had a past
at all.  She was happy with the present.  A present they'd promised
each other.  Why couldn't they just leave it at that?

"What do you think Dr.  Gordon would say?"  She knew she was copping
out even as she said it.  But while shed been convinced she was strong
enough to handle the return of her memory, shed also planned on having
Jason to turn to, to help her pick up the pieces.

"He said you're probably strong enough to hear what I have to say."

Her fear increased.  "You've already talked to him about it?"  Jason
nodded.  "Td planned to tell you, anyway,

before the baby's born."

"And he agreed?"

For the first time Jason looked away, and Anna breathed a small sigh of
relief.  He wasn't sure.

"He advised me to wait.  Going by what you've already remembered, your
chances of complete recovery are excellent, and so anything we might
tell you could hamper that recovery."  He said the words in one
breath.

"Then I'd like to wait."

"Okay, we'll wait."  He didn't even try to convince her otherwise.

"Will you tell me one thing?"  she asked, missing the emotional
closeness they'd been sharing these past weeks.

"Tm ready to tell you whatever you want to know," Jason said, sounding
resigned.

"This thing that made me angry, was it something horrible enough to
make me mn from myself?."

"Not by itself, no," he said, choosing his words as carefully as he had
those first few days shed been with him.  He was going to honor her
decision not to be told about her past "We had a nasty quarrel.  The
stance I was taking was unfair.  But that was

Anna' started breathing easier.

She grinned up at him.  "I can five with that."

"Here?  After the baby's horn?"  Jason asked, his eyes serious.

Anna nodded.  She'd 'learned to trust herself these past months, and
Jason's home, in his life, was where she wanted to be.  "But if six
months after the baby's born I still haven't recovered my memory, I'm
going to be expecting a marriage proposal, anyway."

Shocked by her own boldness, Anna nevertheless held his gaze.

"TII do better than that," Jason said, pulling her into his arms.  "You
have it now, due and payable six months after Audrey's born."

She wanted the proposal more than anything else.  And yet, as part of
her rjoiced, another part shivered.  So much could happen in the next
seven and a half months.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

JASON HF.  LD ANNA for a long time, reluctant to let her go, knowing
that every minute of his time with.  her was to be cherished as though
it was his last.  Knowing that every moment might very well be his
last.

She felt so good in his arms, so right, even pregnant by another man.
This time was his.  His and hers.  And if, with the regaining of her
memory, he lost it all, he at least would have had something he'd never
had before.  Unconditional love.  Total commitment.  An acceptance of
his proposal of marriage.  Even if just for today.

Pulling Anna closer, Jason inhaled her natural scent.  Anna.  His
woman.  He couldn't get enough of her.

"I love you," she whispered against his neck.  And because this was his
moment, he answered her.  "I love you, too, Anna."  He raised her face,
kissed her deeply.  "Please remember that."

Her eyes clouded, almost as if shed heard the desperation he'd thought
he'd concealed.  Before she could delve into things better left buried
for now, he kissed her again, lifting her, settling her on his lap,

on the aching hardness he'd grown almost acc tomed to these past
months.

Or thought he had until she moved against h creating a friction shed
created so many times fore.

Her dress slipped up her body, bearing thighs f and long and so
painfully familiar.  He knew freckle, every shadow thero--and other
places, He ran his hands along one smooth thigh, back forth, up and
down, caressing her, remember Until her long legs wrapped around him,
stradd] him, cradling him.

And he was lost.

With the ease of exploring familiar territory, son seduced Anna,
knowing where to touch, hov caress, how hard and how soft, how much to
He knew because shed taught him; he'd insisted teach him.  And he'd
taught her, too.

Breaking off a long satisfying kiss, Anna drew tongue down his neck,
unbuttoning his flannel as she went.  Artfully flicking his sensitive
flesh the tip of her tongue, she ignited him as shed'd so many times in
the past, the only difference b that, instead of laughing up at him as
shed don, the days when confidence had made her bold, eyes were shyly
downcast.

And even this turned him on.  To seduce Ann: over again, to relive
those.  shockingly erotic day teaching her how to give him love, how
total for herself.  A gift few men were honored with t

Then, as she settled herself more comple against him, things were
suddenly different.

didn't fit as she used to.  Her stomach protruded between them.

Oh, God He let go of her thigh.  What in hell was he thinking?

"We can't," he said, unable to hide the agony in his voice as he pulled
away from her.

She stared up at him, her eyes clouded with passion.  "What?"

"The baby."  He could barely get the words out.  He was struggling to
breathe, to hold her calmly, to' not lose his control in an agony of
want.

Pulling herself farther up his body, she traced his ear with her
tongue.  Hadn't she heard him?  He had to stop.  Now.

"It's okay."  He' barely heard the whispered words through the roaring
of his blood.

When he didn't respond, didn't do more than sit there holding her,
holding on, she whispered something else, her words sending the blood
straight back to his groin.

"I asked Dr.  Litton when I saw her last week."  Her announcement
stunned him.  She'd been that sure?  Or, his body throbbing harder with
the thought, just that needy?  Jason held her firmly away from him,
watching her as he demanded, "And?"  His hands were shaking with the
effort it was taking not to carry her upstairs to his bed.

"I'm still seven weeks away," she said.  "As long as it's not
uncomfortable and we're careful..."  Her voice trailed off as she
lowered her eyes.

His own sweet Anna.  Bold yet shy.  Needy and yet not wanting to ask
anything for herself.  Even in

love.  He was going to enjoy teaching her how to a all over again.

"Then let's be careful, my love."  He was alrea carrying her up the
stairs to the 1oR as he said t words.

ANNA HAD NEVER BEEN SO thoroughly.  loved.  Ev without a single memory
of anything to compare to, she knew making love had never been so go
Not only did she catch fire everywhere Jas touched, she sensed his
love, as well, and a rev ence she wasn't sure she deserved but knew she
1 turned with every fiber of her being.  She was l totally,
completely.

When she sat astride him, lowered herself do on him, she found not only
a physical joy heyc anything shed imagined, but an emotional rele she
felt shed been craving for as long as shl lived.

At first, when it became obvious to her that: knew what she was doing,
that a man's in tim touch was achingly familiar, she worried that ,"
might be remembering another place, another fir Another man's touch.

But soon, as Jason stroked and kissed and, cour aged her to do the
same, she had no through other than Jason.  Loving him.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, every muscle in his body straining
with the obvious effort was taking him to be gentle.

The truth of his words were reflected in his e) And in that moment Anna
felt beautiful.

"I could get real used to this," she said, watching him, the
concentration on his face, the love in his eyes.

He held her motionless on top of him and Anna frowned, eager to reach
the destination shed been climbing toward for months.

"Just giving us a minute to slow down," he said,

his words coming with an effort.  "To prolong the pleasure."  Then he
gasped, thrusting so deeply she felt the sensation to her fingertips
and toes.

There was nothing slow about their loving then.

JASON HAD TOUCHED heaven, confirmed not only its existence, but that it
was everything he'd hoped it would be.  He held Anna, rolling with her
until she was lying on her side facing him, his body still connected to
hers.  He was home.

"That was incredible," he said, needing her to know that what they'd
just experienced hadn't been ordinary at all--not even for them.

"Mm-hmm," Anna said, moving her body against his, getting him aroused
all over again.

"You're sure?"  he asked, his body already fully hard within her.

She moved with him, giving herself to him completely.  For now, this
one night, this one time, he knew there was no part of her already
reserved, already spoken for.  For this one night he was first.

As Jason moved slowly within her, holding her gaze with his own,
speaking on so many levels and connecting on every one of them, he
couldn't help

thinking that their lives would always be like this if she never
regained her memory.  And fOr just a see-ond he hoped for exactly
that.

But only for a second.  Her beautiful brown eyes were filled with love
but only a present love.  His love had its roots in their past, had a
depth hers would always be lacking.  It would never be enough.  For
either of them.

He loved all of Anna---before and after.  For both their sakes she
needed to know herself, to love herself, too.

SHE'D STEPPED OUTSIDE herself again, was watching as she walked in
Gramercy Park, stumbling because she hadn't seen the uneven sidewalk
through her tears.  She even knew why she was crying.  What she
couldn't figure out was why she was there all alone.  She'd never been
alone before in her life.

And then there were two of her.  Only she was in a different park, the
ground' covered with soft white sand, instead of grass.  There was a
sand castle nearby and she was laughing.  Both of her were laughing at
something beyond the castle.  Something she couldn't see.

No.  Wait.  She'd miscounted.  There weren't two.  There were three of
her.  And all three were crying.  They must know about Jason, she
thought.  They're all crying because I can't remember anything so I
can't marry Jason.

Except that Jason hadn't asked her to marry him yet.  This was before
the crash.  But the tears didn't stop.  Had Anna caused all this pain?
She wanted to

tell them she was sorry, but all three ignored her.  They'd reached
the end of their endurance, found a hurdle they couldn't vault.

She was losing her mind--but not the pairr It wasn't ever going to go
away.  No matter how hard she cried, how hard all three of them cried,
they couldn't change the With a start Anna sat bolt upright in bed.
Remembering wasn't the shock it should have been; it wasn't even
surprising or new.  It was a solid wall of agony.  An agony so familiar
she knew shed never forgotten it, not for an instant.  Had been
carrying it with her every day since the accident.  And before.

Dr.  Gordon had told her an incident, something deeply important, could
very well trigger her memory when she was ready.  Making love with
Jason must have been that important.  But she didn't think she was ever
going to be ready.

She was Anna Hayden.  Of Abby, Anna and Audrey Hayden.

Oh, God[ Memories assailed her.  Audrey.  And Abby.  "Abby!"

Her voice startled her, scaring her, bringing the nightmare to life.
She felt arms steal around her, allowed them to hold her only because
she hurt too much to fight them off.

They weren't three anymore.  "No!"  she shouted, shaking her head,
refusing to accept the picture in her mind.  She couldn't bear the
memory.  Couldn't go back to living with the pain day in and day out.

But the memories continued, pouring in so quickly she thought she
might collapse from the onslaught.  Audrey.  Beautiful vibrant laughing
Audrey.  Still.  Terrifyingly unnaturally still.  Covered in blood.
Her face.  Oh, God[ She saw her identical sister's face.  No one else.
Only her.  She'd been the one to find Audrey out on the beach.  Had
gone there to build a sand castle.

She'd screamed, could still hear her screams even now.  They deafened
her, sickened her.  Covering her ears, Anna rocked from side to side.
No!  Stop!

But the pictures, the sounds, the smells just kept coming.  She hadn't
been strong enough, even then, to handle things on her own, to call the
police, to spare her sister Abby at least that much.  Instead, shed
stood there shaking and screamed for her.  She'd thought that was all
shed done.  All those months after the accident, shed thought all shed
done was stand there and scream, the smell of Audrey's death enveloping
her.  But that hadn't been all.  First shed rolled her dead sister
over.  She'd rolled her over so Abby hadn't had to see her face.

"Ohhh nooo, please!"  she cried.  "Please stop!"  She shook her head
again and again, trying to dislodge the pictures.  Anything to make
them go away.

The funeral had been closed-casket.  At the time shed been too thankful
to question the decision her parents had made without even seeing their
daughter first.  Now suddenly she knew why.  They'd probably been
told... Rocking, crying, holding herself, Anna was no longer aware of
the arms that held her, couldn't feel

anything but the agony.  A pain so deep there no way to recover, to
ever be again the innocent woman who'd walked out of the beach house
that day.

And Abby.  Oh, God, Abby!  It was Abby who'd been calling out to her
these past weeks.  Abby who was hurting, who was needing her.  Abby,
who'd also had a part of her soul destroyeck "Abby!"  she cried.  She
needed her sister.  Needed that part of self.

JASON JUST HLD ON, sweat running off his body as he listened to Anna's
anguished cries.  He'd never witnessed such suffering, had no idea what
to do for her, how to help, how to reach her.  He just knew he couldn't
let her go, couldn't let her be alone when she came back out of this
hell of hers.  if she came back.  His throat dry, his body starting to
shake, it hit him that he might be losing her forever.

She'd remembered.  Though shed still said nothing but Abby's- name,
nothing else could have rent this much pain from her.  But as he sat
there holding her, the memories no longer mattered.  Anna mat-toted.
And her torment was breaking his heart.

His helplessness rendering him powerless, he just held on.

"Shh," he whispered over and over, rocking her, brushing the tangled
hair back from her face.  "I'm here, honey.  I'm right here," he kept
saying.

Whether or not she could hear him, he kept repeating the litany, hoping
that even a trace of the

comfort he had to offer would reach her, help h fight her way back.

"Oh, God."

The anguish in her voice tore at him.  It was hard to believe it was
only hours ago he'd heard h crying in ecstasy.  Their lovemaking must
have tri gered her memory.  Subconsciously shed rem el be red loving
him before.

Anna continued to cry out against whatever v sions she was seeing,
locked all alone in a world l couldn't share.

Why?  he asked over and over.  Why her?  Fighting him again, she kicked
the covers awa]

"Anna!  What is it, honey?  Talk to me."  He spol firmly, urgently.

She continued to wrestle with no direction.  The one arm wrapped around
his, holding him in a dca grip.

"Talk to me, honey," he said again.  "Let n help."

Pushing frantically at the hair tangled about h face, she continued to
sob.

"I saw her!"  she cried suddenly.  "I saw face."  And then, as if the
admission drained the la of her strength, she went limp in his arms.

"Whose face, honey?"  Jason hoped to God was doing the right thing in
making her talk.

"Audrey's.  I saw her face."  The words mumbled, as if shed finally
given up.

Unsure whether she was speaking of the baby sl carried or the sister
shed lost, Jason asked, "Whe Where?"  Had Audrey visited her in a
dream?  He

never been a big believer in the supernatural, but Anna couldn't be
imagining whatever horrors were playing themselves out in her mind.

"That day--" She broke off, started to sob again.  "On the beach..."
More gasps.  "I saw her face."

"What day?"  he asked softly.  When Audrey was killed, shed been found
facedown in the sand.  Anna was remembering something else.  If only he
knew what.

"The blood!"  she cried, and then moaned, burying her face against his'
chest.  "Her beautiful face."

Jason held Anna more tightly, as though by sheer force of will he could
erase her mind once again.  Anna had found Audrey, but the police had
made her leave---made Abby leave---before anyone had touched the body.
Neither had seen the extent of the damage caused by the murderer's
knife, Unless... Jason swallowed, took a deep breath.  "Tell me about
it, Anna," he said, his voice gentle but commanding.  He had to get it
out of her before she escaped back to a place where nobody could reach
her.  "Tell me what you saw."

"Her facere" She broke off, sobbing.  "I c-couldn't even r-r-recognize
her."  A spasm of hiccups choked her words.  "But I saw her neck ...
her neck ... her necklace..."

Cold to the bone, sickened, Jason knew.  Audrey hadn't been found
facedown.  Anna had seen her and then wiped the sight away.  But the
vision had remained in her subconscious, preying on her without her
even being aware of it, waiting.

"Her n-n-nose was g-gone."

Sick to his stomach, Jason had heard enough.  "Shh," he whispered.
"I'm here, honey," he crooned.

"Her eh-cheeks and m-mouth..."  She tried to breathe, couldn't, tried
again, her voice shaking with sobs.  "So much b-blood."

Oh, Anna.  Beautiful strong silent Anna.  You didn't have to do this
all alone.  We would have helped yot

Suddenly she stopped.  Stopped crying, stopped speaking.  Stopped
breathing.  Panic shot through him and he sat up, intending to force
his own breath into her lungs until she was ready to take over on her
own, a part of him trying to devise a plan that would allow him to be
in two places at once--breathing for Anna and on the phone getting
help.

He lay her down, her closed eyes scaring the hell out of him.  But
before he could do more than prop her neck with pillows, a shudder tore
through her.  She was breathing again.  Tears running down her face,
she lay completely still and cried.

Unable to bear her pain, Jason reached for her again, and her eyes
opened.  She looked at him as though only just realizing he was there.
"Oh, Jason!"  she cried.  "Her eyes, they were open and glassy and they
weren't laughing at all."  Her husky voice was thick with tears, but
sounding more like her own.

"Anna.  Lovely Anna."  He swallowed, exerting every ounce of control he
had to hold back his own emotion, cradling her against him.

And then, leaning back to look up at him, she

asked, "You knew Audrey, didn't you Jason?

you our friend back then, too?"

He nodded, unable to speak.  Hadn't she remembered him?

"I'm glad," she said, smiling through a fres[ spate of tears.  "Oh,
God, Jason, how could I have forgotten something like this?"

He didn't have any answers for her.  Only platitudes shed heard before.
Leaning back against the pillows, he held her close, surrounding her'
with strength, with love.  It was all he could do.

She cried quietly now, speaking little.  "Thank yon," she said at one
point.

Brushing his hand gently across her cheek, he said, "You don't have to
thardme, love."

She nodded, as if accepting the truth of his words.  A long time later,
still crying but much calmer, she pulled away just enough to look up at
him.  "I rolled her over," she said, as though confeSsing a crime.

"You did the right thing, Anna."

She shook her head.  "I couldn't hear to look at

"There was no rca)u to."

She started to cry harder, still so full of raw anguish she overflowed
with it.  "Death smells awful."

Jason had smelled death once, during his early days as a reporter. He'd
never forget the sickly sweet stench that had permeated the air,
choking him.  He'd been so violently sick to his' stomach he'd had to
leave the scene.

"I love you, Anna."  The words were torn from

his throat.  He'd take her pain, her memories, upon himself if he knew
of a way.

"I love you, too," she said, sing up and gazing at him, the love in her
eyes still fresh, still new.  There was no recognition of the former
love they'd shared.

NUMB, ANNA LAY in the bed with Jason, her head on his chest.  He'd made
her get up, put on one of his shirts, afraid she was going to catch a
chill.  But he'd taken only a brief moment to yank on a pair of cotton
shorts himself before pulling her right back down into the comfort of
his arms, the covers close around them.

But still she shook.  Her whole body trembled as her mind wandered,
stumbled, shied away and wandered some more.  So many things, so many
memories to revisit.  Her childhood, growing up with her sisters.  The
time shed broken her arm and Abby had been the one to sit up half the
night with her, trying to take her mind off the pain of her broken bone
setting in the cast.  She remembered the jokes they'd played on their
teachers, on their long slew of baby-sitters and nannies.  But never on
their parents.

Desperate for time with them, the girls had always been perfect angels
whenever 'their parents were around.  Except of course when they'd done
some stupid kid thing, like the time their parents took them out to
dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel and Anna had spilled her drink on the
table and into their father's lap.  Or when Audrey had gotten lost at
an

amusement park, and the nanny of the week had panicked and called her
father out of an important meeting.

Anna remembered the time Abby had bloodied Jimmy Roberts's nose for
calling Anna a bookworm.  The year her mother had surprised them with
three b'uday cakes--for her three little angels, shed said.  And Anna
remembered Audrey, always hugging everyone .... All of these memories
and more she shared with Jason, talking long into the night, one memory
re-surfacing after another.  But every memory was tainted with
bone-deep sadness.  It was over.

"Poor Abby," she said, her eyes welling with tears as she thought of
her older sister.  Older by twenty minutes chronologically, older by
years in every.  other way.  "She grew up so fast."  And had lost so
much.

"Too fast and yet not unhappily," Jason said.  "Abby's a born
caregiver."

Anna had to remember that he'd known them before, that some of what she
was telling him might not be new to him.  But then, why was he still
new to her?

She sat up, frowning.  "There're still some blank spots,"

He nodded.  "Dr.  Gordon said there might be, that your memory probably
wouldn't come back all at Oil CO

Anna started to shake again.  "I can't take any more, Jason."  She'd
rather die than go through another night like last night.

"You're a strong woman, Anna, stronger now than ever before," he said,
his hand robbing her arm, warming her.

And in some ways she knew he was fight.  She was stronger now.  If
nothing else, these past months had given her that.

"It's funny," she said.  "I remember leaving California.  It was just
like Abby said---I had to prove to myself I was a complete entity on my
own."  She chuckled without humor.  "I guess I've done that, huh?"

"Absolutely," Jason agreed, his breath brushing the top of her head.

"The shop," she said, suddenly remembering the business shed built with
her sisters, the reason she was such a good seamstress.  Inowing, too,
that the overalls shed been sewing for her baby were Abby's design.  "I
left her all alone with the shop."

"And it's doing just fine," Jason said.  "Abby hired a couple of women
who love her desigus almost as much as she does."

Anna was glad.  She'd hated spending her days sewing when her own
creativity had been clamofing for release.  But shed owed Abby and
hadn't grudged her sister her chance.  Or herself the opportunity to do
something for Abby for a change.  Even Audrey had done her share at the
shop without grumbling.

Frowning, Anna said, "I even remember making my family promise to leave
me alone for an en tie year."  She could picture the scene as if it had
happened yesterday.  Her parents had been stunned, Abby devastated.

But in the end they'd given her the promise shed demanded.

"I just can't remember why it was so important," she said weakly.  How
could she remember hurting her sister so horribly and not remember why
shed done so?

"It'll come back to you, Anna," Jason said.  "You just need to be
patient."

"And you?"  Anna sat up again, staring at him.  "Why can't I remember
you at all?"

la son shrugged, breaking eye contact.  She couldn't blame him for
being uncomfortable.  How must it make him feel for her to claim to
love him but to have forgotten him so completely?

And then there was the other person shed forgotten '

"I still can't remember the biological," she said softly.  She was
frustrated and frightened and so damn tired.  What horrors remained to
jump out at her?  And would she be able to cope when they did?

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

DAWN WAS BREAKINO over the city when Anna finally fell silent.
Believing shed fallen asleep, Jason lay completely still, cushioning
her head on his chest.  And although he had a lot to think about, to
consider, to accept, at the moment only one thought occupied his mind.
Anna hadn't run for the tele-phone--for Abby.  She'd remembered and had
come through her emotional crisis without her sister.

And then, as if his mind had conjured the action, she sat up, slipping
silently from the bed.

"You calling Abby?"  he asked, resigned and maybe even a little
relieved.  She'd made it through her crisis.  That was all that
mattered.  For the rest he'd been wrong.  Wrong to expect her to leave
a bond that was as necessary to her happiness as food and air.  One
that had been forged long before shed even known him.  One that had
seen her through her entire life, made her who she was.  The woman he
loved.

Surprised when Anna shook her head and walked past the phone, Jason
climbed out of bed and followed her.  She'd turned her purse upside
down and was shaking out the contents, sifting through them.  Pulling
an, envelope from the pile, she opened it,

dumping a chain and locket into her hand.  He recognized it
immediately.

"I thought it was such an odd shape," she said, holding the locket
lovingly in her slender hands.  "It's odd because it's only a third of
a whole.  Put together, the three parts form a heart."

Jason nodded silently, although he knew she wasn't looking at him.  His
throat thick, he watched Anna, seeing her mall of herinfor the first
time.  He'd thought he'd wanted her to be whole, and all the while he'd
been the one tearing her apart.  Refusing to see an important part of
w[o she was simply because it was a part he couldn't share.

"Our parents bought the original locket when we were born," she
murmured.  "They had it cut into three and then made into three
separate lockets."

Even with her head bent, Jason could see that she smiled.

"They made us wear them always so they could tell us apart."  Her
finger brushed over her name.

"As we grew up, the lockets were a sign of our loyalty.  We agreed
never-to take them off."  She shrugged.  "Other g/ds had best-friend
necklaces.  We had our lockets."

He ached to hold her, but didn't.

"It was also a symbol of our own separate identities," she said,
telling Jason something shed never told him before "We were always part
of a whole and yet different, too.  I can remember Abby telling us that
once when we were little.  Audrey had been crying because Abby's locket
was bigger than hers.  Abby explained that hers was biggest because
she

was the oldest.  Mine was next, and Audrey's was the smallest.  That
we were the same and yet special in our own ways."

"I didn't know that" Jason spoke for the first time since following her
out of the bedroom.

She glanced from the locket to him, as though surprised to see him
there.  Frowning, she said, "You know, it's funny, but I don't think
I've thought of that in years."

She handed the locket to Jason.  "Would you help me fasten it?"  she
asked, holding her hair up off her shoulders.

She wanted him to fasten around her neck the symbol of what had driven
them apart, asking him to give her back to the relationship he'd tried
to take her from.  She was asking him to share her, to know he was
never going to be the single most important person in her life.

He fastened the locket.

MOHDAY MORNING, jUSt.  as soon as she was alone in her own apartment,
Anna called Maggie.  "Hey, preggle, what's up?"

You were right about Jason and me all along, Maggie.  We're lovers now.
And it was even better than I imagined.  Better than you'd probably
imagined.  And ... l rembered some things.  "Your apartment was
rented."

"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm coming back."

"You got the job?"  Anna asked, happy for her friend.

dumping a chain and locket into her hand.  He recognized it
immediately.

"I thought it was such an odd shape," she said, holding the locket
lovingly in her slender hands.  "It's odd because it's only a third of
a whole.  Put together, the three parts form a heart."

Jason nodded silently, although he knew she wasn't looking at him.  His
throat thick, he watched Anna, seeing her--all of her--for the first
time.  He'd thought he'd wanted her to be whole, and all the while he'd
been the one tearing her apart.  Refusing to see an important part of
who she was simply because it was a part he couldn't share.

"Our parents bought the original locket when we were born," she
murmured.  "They had it cut into three and then made into three
separate lockets."

Even with her head bent, Jason could see that she smiled.

"They made us wear them always so they could tell us apart."  Her
finger brushed over her name.

"As we grew up, the lockets were a sign of our loyalty.  We agreed
never to take them off."  She shrugged.  "Other girls had best-friend
necklaces.  We had our lockets."

He ached to hold her, but didn't.

"It was also a symbol of our own separate identities," she said,
telling Jason something shed never told him before "We were always part
of a whole and yet different, too.  I can remember Abby telling us that
once when we were little.  Audrey had been crying because Abby's locket
was bigger than hers.  Abby explained that hers was biggest because
she

was the oldest.  Mine was next, end Audrey's was the smallest.  That
we were the same and yet special in our own ways."

"I didn't know that" Jason spoke for the first time since following her
out of the bedroom.

She glanced from the locket to him, as though surprised to see him
there.  Frowning, she said, "You know, it's funny, but I don't think
I've thought of that in years."

She handed the locket to Jason.  "Would you help me fasten it?"  she
asked, holding her hair up off her shoulders.

She wanted him to fasten around her neck the symbol of what had driven
them apart, asking him to give her back to the relationship he'd tried
to take her from.  She was asking him to share her, to know he was
never going to be the single most important person in her life.

He fastened the locket.

MONDAY MORNING, just as soon as she was alone in her own apartments,
Anna called Maggie.  "Hey, preggie, what's up?"

You were right about Jason and me all along, Maggie.  We're lovers now.
And it was even better than I imagined Better than you'd probably
imagined And ... l remembered some things.  "Your apamnent was
rented."

"Yeah, well, I don't think I'm coming back."

"You got the job?"  Anna asked, happy for her friend.

"You kept me sane, didn't you?"

"You're easy Anna."

"Abby's a lot like me."  Well, okay, maybe not in some ways.  But she
had a feeling Maggie and Abby would hit it off.  And couldn't bear the
idea of Abby being alone one more day.

"I don't know, Anna."

She was losing herinshe could hear it in Maggie's voice.  "It's right
on the beach, Mags.  Think of all the beach bOys

"I'm getting enough 'pretty bOys in the city."  "You can have my room
at no charge."

She'd hit a chord there.  She could tell by Maggie's silence.

"Please, Maggie, for me?"  she asked.

"I'll go meet her," Maggie said grudgingly.  "How-do I find her?"

Anna rattled off the number at the shop.  If Abby wasn't in, someone
there would know where to find her.

"And Maggie?"

" eah?"

"I don't want you shocked or anything but when you see her...?"

"What, she looks like Godzilla or something?"

"No."  Anna smiled mistily.  "She looks exactly like me.."

AtA spry art the next couple of days making herself, crazy.  Every
waking moment was eaten up with remembering--and searching for the lost
pieces of the puzzle that had become her life.  More and mor

frightened by the number of things still un know her, she became
desperate to discover them, to.  the ordeal over with once and for all.
To own 1 life before her baby was born.

And for every memory she had, she conjured an imaginary one that could
explain the gaping ho still left in the picture.  The largest hole, the
one tJ mattered most to her, was Jason.  Why couldn't."  remember him?
What was so threatening about old family friend?  She didn't know why
it took so long to come up with the answer---not wbe was so obvious.
Her only explanation was that sh simply been too self-absorbed to
see.

Sitting with Jason at lunch on Wednesday,:

worked up the courage to confront him.

"Tell me about you and Abby."

She watched him put down his sandwich, stomach a mass of knots.  She'd
been feeling po all morning--ever since shed figured it all out.  "What
do you want to know?"  "Whatever you need to tell me."  "We're
friends."  "And?"

He splayed his hands, then dropped them to table on each side of his
plate.  "That's all."

She believed differently.  And her subconsci, agreed---which was why it
wouldn't allow he remember Jason, especially since they'd spent last
three nights together in his bed.

"She was the one you went to see before you town," Anna said.

"I had something to say to her."  His sandwich still lay untouched on
the plate in front of him.  "What?"

"That Audrey was gone, you were an adult, and it was time she
concentrated on her own life."

Anna frowned.  That sounded more like a friend than... "What about that
phone call on Thanksgiving?"

"You know about that, Anna."  Jason was frowning.  "She was alone, 'it
was a holiday, and she wanted to connect with you in the only way she
could."

"You're sure that's all it was?"  Because there had to have been some
reason he'd grown so close to her family, something that kept him
coming back.  And she already knew it wasn't her.  She'd have
re-memhered loving Jason.  She was sure of that--especially now that
she knew what loving him was like.  And besides, if they'd been lovers,
he'd have told her.  The pain he felt because he wasn't Audrey's
father.  was too real to ignore.

"Of course I'm sure," he said impatiently.  "What else could there
be?"

"You two could have been in love."

The shock on Jason's face alone drove that suspicion from her mind. "We
could have been, but we weren't," he said calmly, staring her down.

Bowing her head, Anna felt herself blush.  Okay.  She'd missed the boat
again.  Apparently that was something she was good at.

Light-headed with relief, she actually giggled.  At least her beloved
and her beloved sister weren't 1ov ANNA FXPD to feel better after her
conversation with Jason, but as the evening wore on, she only felt
worse.  She wanted--needed---to call her sister.  She hadn't heard from
Maggie, didn't know how Abby was doing, if she was all right.  And yet,
Abby knew Anna's memory had returned.  Anna could only surmise that
Abby was respecting Anna's original request, her stipulation for
silence between them.  She just didn't know why.  Her head hurt from
trying to make sense of it all.

What was still out there for her to know?  What had happened between
she and Abby?  Why had she extracted the promise in the first place?
Why couldn't she remember Jason?  And where in hell was the biological?
He had to be that Clark guy.  But why couldn't she remember him?

Audrey kicked her so hard she doubled over on her couch.  She was
waiting for Jason's second newscast to come on so she could admire his
thick blond hair the way his mouth curved when he smiled, his eyes. All
the while knowing shed be admiring the rest of him the minute he got
home.

The baby kicked again, stealing the breath from Anna's lungs.  She lay
still.

The third kick scared her a little bit, coming as it did so low in her
belly and in her back at the same time.  Either the baby had turned
miraculously fast, or she had six legs.

Halfway through the news, her water broke.  Jason

spoke to her from the television set, his blue eyes warm as they gazed
straight at her.  She could do this.  That was what he was telling her.
She was sure of it.  She could do this.  Never taking her eyes from his
face, she reached for the phone.

Twenty minutes later Jason was at the door, a cab holding downstairs.
The wait had almost killed her.  Especially the last ten minutes when
those steady blue eyes had been missing from her television

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

THERE WAS NO TIME to tell her the truth, in spite of his vow to do so
before they had the baby.  Jason threw Anna's coat around her
shoulders, lifted her off the couch and carried her down the stairs.
Six weeks early, Audrey was one determined little girl.  Gas please get
us there in time.  Let them both be okay.

"We've got plenty of time, Anna.  Just relax, honey," he said, helping
her into the cab.  His heart thundered in his chest.

Please let them have found Dr.  LittOn.  Have her waiting at the
door.

"That's it Anna, one, two, three."  He breathed with her, holding her
in the backseat as the driver swerved in and out of the Wednesday-night
traffic.

There was nothing else he could do.  Nothing else but worry.

"We have to move my staff to your place," Anna said after what seemed
to Jason a particularly long contraction.

Stuff?.  Who the hell cared about stuff?.  How could she think about
that at a time like this?  They were having a baby here.

"Sure, honey," he said.  "We'll do that."

"Right away, Jason."  Her voice was stronger.  "We'll probably be
ready to come home tomorrow or the next day."

Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.  "TII move everything in the morning."  Now
would you just concentrate on what you're doing, please

"I can't believe I'm finally going to get to see her," she said,
resting her head against Jason's shoulder.  She sounded as if she might
be going to sleep.

They were having a baby.  He was scared to death and she was go' rag to
sleep.  Nobody had said anything about sleeping during the childbirth
classes they'd taken.  Sleeping wasn't in the job description.  But
sure enough she was actually going to sleep.

Right up until the next contraction.  That was when Jason went back to
work.  At least he knew what to do.  "One, two, three," he breathed.
"Easy now, honey."

"I want to paint her bedroom red," Anna panted through the pain.

Red.  Right.  "Breathe, Anna."

"And the ceiling blue with a bright yellow sun."  "Uh-huh."  And they
thought she was actually going to have this baby?  Why in hell had they
gone to the classes if she wasn't willing to do anything right?

She chattered on about the room as the spasm passed, her voice getting
drowsy again.  Jason was almost glad this time If she could just sleep
until they got to the hospital, he'd have Dr.  Litton to assist him in
getting this job done.  He didn't think they were going to get much
help from Anna.

"I'd love a burger, Jason," she said suddenly.  "You think we have time
to stop for a burger?"

A burger!  She just didn't get it.  Giving birth was serious stuff.  So
much could go wrong... "With pickles on it, please?"  she asked
sleepily.  "Lots of pickles.  Tell the driver to stop."

Jason wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.

But once they got to the hospital, Anna seemed to get more with the
program.  Dr.  Litton was waiting for them in emergency, quickly
checked Anna and determined they had time to get her up to a birthing
room.  Jason was doubtful.  However, bowing to' Dr.  Litton's greater
experience, he kept his opinion to himSelf' and pushed Anna's
wheelchair silently.  And prayed for all he was worth.

THINGS MOVED SO quickly Anna didn't have time to be afraid.  She smiled
at Jason when he appeared, garbed in a green surgical suit, in the door
of her birthing room.

"This where the party is?"  he asked.

She nodded.  "Mm-hmm."  They could get on with it now.  He was here.

"Anna?"  He looked as if he had SOmething important to say.

"Yes?"

He paused.  Glanced at the IV in her arm, at the monitor hooked to her
stomach.  "I love you."

That was all she needed to hear.  "I love you,

She couldn't believe how excited she was.  Soon, very soon, she was
going to meet her daughter, see her, hold her.

"I'd expected to be scared," she confessed to Jason.  "But with you
here I just know everything's going to be fine."

He smiled at her.  "Of course it's going to be

It must have been a lot warmer in the room than she thought.  Sweat was
darkening the cotton surgical garb Jason wore.

Watching the monitor for her, Jason handled labor like a pro.  He could
tell from the lines on the screen just when her next pain was due and
had her already breathing properly by the time it hit.  He counted.  He
cajoled.  He offered his ann for her to squeeze and ignored her when
she yelled at him to shut up.

A nurse wheeled in what looked like a portable incubator just as Dr.
Litton stopped by for one of her periodic visits.  Anna looked from the
machine to Jason, and then up at the doctor.

"What...?"

"She's close to six weeks early, Anna," Dr.  Litton sad calmly.  "We
have to be prepared."

"Jason?"  Anna cried, fear choking her as she reached for his hand.

He held her, but looked at the doctor.  "Have you any reason to expect
trouble?"  he asked.

"None at all.  We wouldn't be in this room if we

"What's the immediate danger?".

"Probably none," the doctor said, smiling at Anna.  "The baby's been
perfectly active, her heart' sstrong, everything looks good.  But with
an early baby I like to be extra careful."

"You worried?"  Anna asked Jason as soon as the doctor left the room.

He shook his head, smiling as he smoothed her hair out against her
pillow.  "Not at all.  She knows what she's doing."

That was enough for Anna.  If Jason wasn't worried, she had no reason
to worry, either.

Jason's scrubs were drenched by the time shed fully dilated, and by
then she was pretty hot herself And exhausted beyond belief.  As the
worst pain yet subsided, she wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.
They were all going to have to take a break.

"Come on, Anna, it's time to get to work," Dr.  Litton said from the
end of the makeshift bed.

After she had a little sleep.  Then shed do all the work they needed.

"Now, honey.  Push!"  Jason instructed, watching the monitor.

She pushed.  And wished to God shed gone to sleep.

"Again!"  Jason said.

She pushed again.  Jason wasn't watching the.  monitor anymore.  He was
keeping company with Dr.  Litton, both of them at a party she couldn't
get down to attend.

"I see her hair!"  Jason said, his eyes glowing

with a light shed never seen before.  It made her want to push again,
harder.

Jason's face her cue, Anna did her job, pushing when she was told,
holding back as she had to.  She watched the birth, not from the mirror
they'd mounted for her, but through her lover's eyes.

Then, just as the baby surfaced, as her body found a relief so powerful
she cried, she saw an expression on Jason's face shed seen before.
Once.  In another life.  The intensity of his yearning, the look of
pain that resulted from unrequited longing, was completely familiar to
her.  It was an image shed been carrying in her heart every day since
shed sent him from her life.  She remembered him.

She remembered everything.

"Seven pounds!"  a nurse declared, holding the newborn on a scale to
one side of Anna's bed.

"Seven?"  Dr.  Litton was still working on Anna, but glanced over her
shoulder at the nurse.  "That much?  Are you sure?  Better check it
again."  A pause fell over the suddenly still room.  "Still seven," the
nurse said.

Clearly surprised, the doctor checked the scale herself.

Ignoring Jason completely, Anna was vaguely aware of the doctor and
nurse, but her gaze was glued firmly on her baby girl.  Audrey.  A new
life for one lost.

A baby born right on time.

Jason stepped back, his ears buzzing, his heart thumping heavily.  He
had answers to all his questions.  As long as Anna and Audrey wanted
him in

their lives---in any capacity---he would be there.  P dod.  Being
someone's first priority was nothinl compared to being needed, to being
part of a family to loving.  He'd been playing second fiddle all hi"
l/fe.  Was good at it.  Memofides, other loves, be dan reed The past,
the future.  Nothing matlered excel being whatever, whoever, his two
girls needed him to be for however long they needed him.

So MANY lmt.os exploding inside her, so many thoughts clamodng for
attention, she wondered it shed ever see clearly again.  Anna lay in
her hospital bed the rest of that day, assimilating all that ha
happened before her accident, all that had happen since and what was
yet to happen.  And holdingAu-drey.  Almost constantly holding the baby
girl wh was everything shed ever hoped her to be and more So much
more.

She'd already made the decision to breast-feex her daughter, and so
shed had Audrey moved righ into bed with her, feeding her when
necessary, holding her while she slept.  Keeping her close.  At time
througut that long day, she felt as if Audrey wa."  the only person
shed ever be close to again.

Anger, pain, guilt, all cascaded down on her unti she had to send Jason
home, telling him to go ahea and go in to work, that she needed to
sleep.  Unawar shed remembered, he wanted to talk.  She didn" have any
idea what to say.  Playing for time, sl insisted, that she had to rest
as much as possible before they released her the next morning.

Except that, of course, she didn't rest after b

kissed her softly goodbye and left.  She watched Audrey.  Cried over
her.  Nursed her even though her milk wasn't in yet.  Loved her.  And
thought.  She'd bought herself one day.  It didn't seem nearly long
enough.

BErOIE sm iow rr, before she was ready, she was back in Jason's
apartment firmly ensconced on his couch, a blanket tucked snugly around
her and the baby she held... "You're sure you're comfortable?"  Jason
asked, hovering at the other end of the couch, almost as though he was
afraid to touch her--or the baby he'd yet to hold.

Nervous as she was, she couldn't smile at him, but she tried. "Fine."

He nodded, then hovered some more, moving pillows out of her way, the
coffee table closer.  He was aware that something was wrong.  He'd been
avoiding her eyes all morning.  And now that shed combined the Jason
shed known before the crash with the Jason she knew now, she could read
him like a book.  Just as he'd been reading her all these months.

"You should have told me."  So many emotions roiling inside her, and
anger won out.  "I can't believe you didn't tell me."

He stopped dead, just stood frozen beside her.  "All these months and
you never said a word."

Pale-faced, he sat down, no longer avoiding her eyes.  "When did you
remember?"  he asked simply.  "Yesterday, the second she was born."

He nodded.  "The birth brought it all back."

"No."  She shook her head.  You did.  I was watching your face."  Anna
sighed, her anger draining away.  He'd done what he'd thought right.
Jason always did what he thought right.  If only his thinking wasn't
skewered by his upbringing.  He'd done what he thought right, yet he'd
been so wrong, too.

"Dr.  Gordon knew," he told her, but not in way of defense.  "He said
it was possible I was somehow mixed up in whatever you were running
from and so telling you who I was could force you to deal with a
relationship you weren't ready to handle."

"After all we'd shared, Jason, you didn't know me better than that?"
Her anger was back, but maybe just to camouflage the pain.

His jaw tightened.  "We hadn't shared anything in quite a while," he
reminded her.  "And you were pregnant."

The words hung between them, his unasked question underlined by her
silence.

"When are you going to stop being a martyr, Jason?"  She couldn't look
at him, couldn't bear to hurt him.  Yet the words had to be said.
Should have been said seven months ago.

"You mind explaining that?"  He was angry.  She looked down at her
sleep' rag daughter.  For you, my darling.  For all of us.  Then she
took a deep breath and spoke.

"You settle, Jason.  Always."  She glanced at him, saw the stoicism
settle on his face as he prepared, once again, to take whatever was
handed him.  "You make it damn near impossible for people not to put
everything else first, to think of you last.  You're so

undemanding one could almost believe you have no needs at all."
Almost.  But not quite.  She'd seen the longing on his face.

He remained silent.  She wasn't even sure he was listening.

"Think about it, Jason.  Did you ever ask your father to be' at a
game?"  She'd had so much time to think those two months shed been
alone in New York.  Time to figure it all out, to see where shed been
wrong--and where he'd been wrong.  She just hadn't had the faith in
herself to know that she could do anything about it.

"He knew when they were."

"But did you ask him to be there?"

His silence gave her the answer.  "And what about that girl in college?
Did you ever try to win her love away from the guy who'd dumped her?"

"You don't win love."

"Yes, you do, Jason."  She forced back tears.  "Sometimes without doing
anything more than being yourself."  Which is how he'd won hers.  He'd
certainly never asked for it.  "Love isn't easy---it doesn't just fall
in your lap and stay there happily ever after.  You have to work at it,
grasp it with both hands and be determined to keep it, or it's going to
just slip away."  Her last words were barely more than a whisper, her
throat thick with unshed tears.  This was a concept he had to
understand.

The room fell silent again.  Finally Anna couldn't stand it any longer,
"And what about your lawyer friend?"

"What about her?"  Jason asked, sounding suddenly confident.  "I asked
her to go to that funeral."  "Yes, but in all the years you'd been with
her, had you ever before asked her to put her job second?  Or had you
given her the impression that you expected her job to come first?"

Again his silence spoke volumes.  Don't you see, Jason, not only are
you living proof of se, lffutfi!led prophecies you actually make people
feol they're pleasing you by doing as they'p!oase; That to be lavished
with attention would turn you off

Another glance in his direction.  If he couldn't understand this,
couldn't'see it, their life together was ovor.

But even if their relationship was goin to end, she owed him.  Because
shed been wrong, too.  The woman shed been before had never even tried
to communicate this to Jason, had never dared voice her doubts, her
fears.  She'd been too much of a coward to speak up, too afraid of
being a problem.  Swallowing back her tears, she held Audrey close to
her heart and faced Jason head-on.

"I'm just as guilty as you are, Jason," she said.  "I did you--us--a
terrible wrong, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive roy
serf for that."  Once again she pictured that look on his face.  She'd
seen it twice.  The first time, when shed walked out of his life in
California, refusing to leave her sister and go with hiTM.  And the
second shed brought a baby into the world, a baby he'd so very much
wanted to be his own.

"There's nothing to forgive," he said softly,

gruffly.  "I never should have asked.  It was unfair, cruel, to expect
you to leave Abby so far behind."

"Leaving Abby wasn't the problem, Jason.  Or at least, not all of
it."

His shocked gaze collided with her sad one.  "Moving away wouldn't have
made any difference to the bond I share with Abby.  What we share isn't
dependent on physical closeness.

"And that was the problem, wasn't it?"  she asked, still holding his
gaze.  "Neither of you was willing to share the par of me you each
had?"

He nodded "If it means anything to you, we've actually both realized
that.  We know how wrong we were to expect you to sacrifice one for the
other."  "You and Abby have talked about this?"  "In depth."

"And you're friends again?"  She could hardly dare hope.

"Closer than ever, I think."  He paused, looked down, and then met and
held her gaze unwaveringly.  "We were wrong, Anna, insisting that we
wanted all or nothing.  Abby swearsm" he stopped, swallowed and
continued "---no i swear never to do that to you again.  To love you is
to love all of you, including the Part that belongs exclusively to your
sister."  '

That was one hell of an admission coming from Jason.  And a prayer come
true for Anna.-She was free to love both of them.  If only... "Do you
know why I chose not to come to New York, Jason?"

He looked away.  "You're going to tell me it was

because I led you to believe I expected you to say no."

So he had been listening.  Had heard.  "You did, but that's not why I
said no."

His gaze flew back to her.  "Then why?"  "Because I honestly didn't
believe you loved me.  Not completely.  Not as wholeheartedly as I knew
I was going to need to be loved if I was going to sever my relationship
with my sister."

"After the two years we spent together?."  he asked, scowling.  "How
could you not know I loved you?  I told you so all the time."

"Because you didn't need me, Jason.  Not really.  You always held a
part of yourself back, relied only on yourself, protecting yourself for
that moment when I'd let you down."  She paused, looked down at the
child in her arms.  "I needed you to need me as much as I needed
you."

"And if I' dlet you know that I needed you, you'd have come with me?"
he asked, even now expecting a negative answer.

"I did come, Jason."

His eyes were pinpoints of steel, boring into her.  "You came to sell
your book."

"I came to be with you."

JASON WANTED to believe.  her.  More than anything in his life, he wan
teA to believe her.  But his heart couldn't accept what she was telling
him.  He'd been a selfish jerk.  Why would the have come here to be
with him?

"You were here for more than two months," he reminded her.

Her eyes filled with tears, and a full minute' passed be fores she
managed to get any vords out.  "After you left California, I hated
myself.  I hated you and Abby, too, but mostly just myself for not
being strong enough to stand up to either of you."

Jason was hating himself pretty thoroughly at the moment, too.

"And I was terrified," she continued, her w rds making him hate himself
more.  He'd done this to her.  "I was afraid that I couldn't get along
on my own.  When I reached deep down inside, looking for some imaginary
well of strength to draw on, I found that there wasn't one.  Not in me
alone.  Not without Abby.  And I knew you were right.  As painful, as
terrifying as it was, I had to get away from my sister.  I had to know
I could rely on myself alone."

She stared down at the baby, and Jason looked away.  He couldn't look
at the child.  Sooner or later she was going to tell him about the
father.  And that she was returning to the man.

"When I broke your heart, I broke mine, too," she said now, crying
softly.

Reaching over, Jason brushed the tears from her face, then handed her a
tissue.  The baby didn't so much as stir.

"I came to New York to be close to you."  She wasn't giving up on that
one.  He still didn't believe.  her.

"But I didn't contact you, couldn't contact you, until I'd proved to
myself that I wasn't just transferring my dependence on Abby to you. I
had to come to you whole or not at all."

After a lifetime of disappointment Jason had no idea how to handle
anything else.  Stunned, he just sat there, listening as two months of
anguish poured'

out of Anna.

Those first days were harder than she ever would have imagined, but
$ason could imagine it.  She'd done this for him?  She told him about
being forced to quit her job when her boss tried to put the moves on
her, how she was desperate to work--not because she needed immediate
cash, but because she needed to be permanently independent for her own
peace of mind..  Independent of Abby.  Of the shop.  She told him how
shed always wanted to write, that working on John Henry Walker's
biography was the only thing that had kept her going at times.  She
told him about finding Rosa and how much shed liked the older lady.

And Anna saw him on the news.  Saw him enjoying Surmy's attentions, saw
how easy they were together.  She knew she was losing him and that it
was her own fault.  And his, too, for not fighting for her, for their
love.  For letting something so wonderful slip away.

She was out walking one night less than a week after shed left
California, afraid, lonely.  She walked for hours and still had to hail
a cab to take her where shed been wanting to go for weeks.  The
television sire ion That was the first time shed seen him with Sunny
off the air.  Seen how close they were.  She'd followed them to the
Central ])eli and Restaurant.

And though she told herself to forget it, she started almost a daily
ritual, taking a cab ride down to the deli between newscasts.  And each
time she saw him With Sunny, she died another death.

"If only you'd come to me."  The words were torn from Jason.

She looked at him, her lips trembling.  "I couldn't."

Of course she couldn't.  He'd moved on--or so shed thought.  '.

"I met a man, Clark Summerfield, coming out of the deli one night
shortly after I first saw you and Sunny there."  Here it comes, the
part I've been waiting for.  And suddenly, with the truth at hand, he'
knew he never wanted to hear it.

"You want something to drink?"  he asked.  Starti.  ed, Anna looked at
him, shook her head and con tinned "I was crying, and Clark saw me,
came over, insisted on having his driver take me home in his
limousine."

"You cold?"  Jason asked, standing.  "I can turn up the heat."

"I'm fine, Jason."

"What about her?  MaYbe she's cold."  He still didn't look at the baby.
Clark's baby.  Twenty-four hours ago he'd been willing to settle for
that.

"I spent a lot of time with Clark," she said.  "He was nice.  Mostly he
was a much needed balm to a broken heart."

Okay, okay.  He got the picture.

"I tried to convince myself I'd be happy without you," she said, her
voice thick with tears.

Jason's own throat was uncomfortably tight.  They'd made such a mess
of things.  Both of them.  And mined something heautiful in the
process.

"And then came the day I couldn't avoid putting off doing the home
pregnancy test I'd bought," Anna said.  Her words were like a knife in
Jason's heart.  "I was getting sick every morning."

Was this the penance he was to pay for not fighting for her in the
first place, this creel blow-by-blow?.

"When it was positive, my first instinct was to mn home to Abby."

Why not straight to nice, balm-forzthe-heart Sum-merfield?

"But as much as I was hurting, as terrified as I was, I couldn't mn
anymore For myself, but also for her."  She Smiled down at the baby in
her arms.  "Then, more than ever, I had to know that I was a whole
person.  How else was I ever going to face raising a baby by
myself?."

By herself?.  Jason stood frozen, every nerve ending tuned to her,
listening intently.

"What about Summerfield?"

She frowned.  "He'd left for an extended business trip to Europe."  She
sounded as if she couldn't have cared less.

So he didn't know yet?

There was hope.  Not a lot.  But enough to speak.  up.

"Anna?"  He sat down, gently taking her free' hand in his, his thumb
running along her palm.  He

brushed the hair back from her face with his other hand, his eyes
trained on hers.

"You were right," he said.  "I do settle."  The admission cost him. Far
more than he'd expected.  Because once made, he couldn't take it back.
Couldn't allow himself to settle ever again.

"Growing up as I did, it was just easier."

She nodded, her eyes brimming with tears.  "I

"I guess it just became habit.  I didn't even realize I was doing
it."

Anna nodded, waiting.  "Habits are hard to break."  "I know."

Her eyes shadowed with fear, she waited for him to continue.

"But I can't settle for a life without you."  She smiled, her lashes
wet with tears.  "I love you, Anna, so very much."

"I love you, too, Jason."  Her whispered words drove him on.

"But there are some things I have to have."  She nodded again, still
smiling through her tears.  "I have to know that I'm the only man in
your life."  He couldn't live with the fear that Summer-field may one
day return, discover he had a daughter, insist on a place in her
mother's life.

"Absolutely."  Her reply came swiftly.  "You always have been."

"And always will be."  This wasn't neg tiable.  "As long as we both
shall live."

He needed to kiss her, to hold her close to the

heart he'd just bared for her.  But there, was a vem pound baby lying
between them.  He knew she was there.  Just couldn't bring himself to
look zt.  her

"I'll gladly raise your daughter, Anna," he said still holding her
gaze, holding it almost y. "But only if I have- your Word that you'll
allow me to be a real father to her," He Sopped.  Looked away, then
backz -If Fm to love her, I have to do so as thoughs my.  own

He wouldn't settle for any less.

Tears pouring down her cheeks' Anna- said, "I never slept with Clark,
Jason."

He stared at her, sure he'd heard wrong.

"I'm not saying he wasn't interested, but he travels so much he knew he
couldn't reake a commitment--and I couldn't settle for anything less."
She really hadn't slept with him?

"Besides, he knew I was in love with you.  He told me before he left
for Europe that if, when he got back, I was still single, he was going
to set out to steal ree away from you."

"You never slept with him?"  Jason couldn't quite grasp the gift she
was giving him.

Anna snuggled the baby briefly, then held Audrey out to him.

"Take her," she whispered.  "You're her biological."  And then she
grinned.

Jason stared at Anna for another full minute, then down at Audrey.  His
baby.  His daughter.  His and

Anna' s.

"She's mine?"  he asked.

Anna nodded.  "Even ultrasounds can be wrong.

She's small, but she's all yours."  Iason's heart full to overflowing,
he took the sleeping baby from her mother's arms.

"Hello, Daddy's darling," he said, tears in his eyes as he gathered his
daughter to his chest.

Audrey stirred, opened her eyes, then fell back to sleep with a little
sigh.  In that instant Jason knew he was never going to have to settle
again.

His gaze left his sleeping daughter only long enough to run lovingly
over her mother..  "Will you marry me, Anna?"  he asked.

"Td be honored to marry you, Jason," she answered softly.

After a lifetime of loneliness Jason had a family.

Anna has found love and happiness;

what about Abby ?